Why some people get referred (and others don't) | Stephen Oommen | TEDxUNYP

Life is full of fascinating contradictions.

But those contradictions create phenomenal conversations.

And those conversations create opportunities.

One of my favorite conversations to have is with executives, entrepreneurs,

and sales leaders because every single one of them is trying to grow revenue,

but they're under so much pressure to utilize technology and AI to create efficiency.

Do more with less.

When I ask about their sales strategy, I hear the same answers.

More activity, more cold calls, more emails, more, more, more, scale, scale, scale,

just do more.

Then they try to convince me that it's just a numbers game.

So, I ask a very simple question.

When was the last time you answered a cold call,

responded to an email from someone you did not know, gave them a meeting,

and bought something of substantial value?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll wait.

So, when I ask why,

the answer always boils down to a lack of trust.

Stephen, we don't know these people.

So, how can we like them, let alone trust them?

And in today's world, how do we even know that they're real?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold up.

You're telling me that your strategy is to do more of the very thing

you don't respond to?

Okay, that makes a lot of sense.

Let me be very clear.

I am not against technology, technological advancement, or AI.

But, too many times we get

so enamored with progress

that we forget the fundamentals

that are foundational to human existence.

It's not an either/or proposition.

It's a yes and.

And this trust gap has created a very tactical issue, a gap in access.

Access to decision-makers, access to influencers, access to people that sign the check.

And the primary solution that is being taught is very simple.

Target better, increase volume, be more persistent, annoying.

Sorry about that.

Now, here's the thing.

It's not as important for what is being taught

as it is what's not being taught.

Several years ago, I asked a sales representative in my organization,

"Why do you do

so much cold outreach instead of focusing on building your network of trusted connections

so you can generate warm referrals?"

The answer that I received was the most brilliant, logical,

stupid answer I have ever heard.

Stephen, "If I focus on generating warm referrals,

that adds an extra step to the process, it creates complexity,

and it takes more time.

But, if I just go directly after the individual,

there's at least a chance they'll respond."

Highly logical.

But, if you are not taught the value of a human relationship in business,

then that thinking makes sense.

It's purely mathematical because you focus on a tiny step in the process instead

of the totality of how human life actually works.

Every single one of us have heard the saying,

"Life is not about what you know, it's about who you know,

and more importantly, who knows you, and what they know you for."

So, what this rep said to me after changed the trajectory of my life.

"Stephen, no one is teaching us how to build a network properly

and create a warm referral engine."

This rep was right.

We teach people how to scale systems.

We tell people to have relationships based on trust,

but we don't actually show them how to be trustworthy, to be trustworthy,

to be referable.

Last year I spoke to a board member at one of the top colleges

in the United States,

and he said something very alarming.

He said, "Most of our students do not know how to build a relationship

from scratch.

Social skills are declining."

He said, "We expect them to go out and build relationships and bring value,

whatever that means, but we're not actually showing them how.

Etiquette, for example, is a set of learned behaviors and skills.

It needs to be practiced, and it needs to be reinforced.

And now we're living at a time where the number one use of AI

has moved from content creation to companionship.

We're going through a loneliness epidemic.

We're living in a world that is optimizing for efficiency while sacrificing effectiveness.

And it's the reason why the number one objection that I receive is, Stephen,

we don't have your network, we don't have your relationships.

How do we build that?

And while this is an understandable question,

I have found it's actually the wrong one.

Because it is a what

and a how question

and the real question is who.

Who are we being?

Everybody wants the secret sauce or that special tactic,

but what I have found is that the secret is this.

Principles scale, tactics don't.

Principles scale, tactics don't.

Have you ever seen how two people can say the same thing

and get widely different results?

One person can make the audience laugh, the other person makes them cringe.

They can have the same message, same tactic, same talk track,

get very different results.

Some people might say, "Who cares?"

I say, "Who matters?"

Over my career, I've had the privilege of being in a lot of organizations

that relied heavily on partner networks.

And I would ask my teams, "Why would someone introduce you to their customer?"

The typical responses are around, "Our product is great, our service is amazing,

we have a great company reputation."

And I would have to stop them and say, "No, no, no.

That's not what I asked.

I asked, "Why would they refer you?"

Silence.

Because it's not a question we typically ask ourselves.

So, over the last 25 years, I have noticed a pattern.

Through being an entrepreneur and a go-to-market leader,

I have seen that there are qualities

that show up consistently based on the people

that are consistently referred.

Not tactics, not script, qualities that create their reputation.

And your reputation walks into the room before you do.

Character, conviction, clarity, competence and credibility.

These five qualities make us referable.

Character is the foundation.

Now, if I have to explain to anyone what being of good character means,

we likely already have a problem.

But there's a deeper issue here.

It is our values, our beliefs, our core why.

When we ask someone to refer us,

we're asking them to vouch for our character.

This is why asking for referrals and introductions seems hard.

It's scary asking someone to put their name on the line for us.

But it's also the reason why it works so well.

It holds us to a higher level of accountability.

Conviction flows from character.

Recently, I was speaking in front of a group of sales people,

and I did say something that was rather uncomfortable.

I said, "If you are not willing to sell your products

and services to your parents,

your children, your loved ones, then you probably should not sell it at all."

That level of conviction is rare, but it's essential.

Many of us have heard the famous story about the trial attorney

that was representing the accused murderer,

but they never found the victim.

This attorney was still losing the trial, and the night before the closing arguments,

he comes up with this brilliant strategy.

He walks in the next day, and he says,

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

last night we found the victim

and in 3 seconds he's going to walk through

that back door and you will see once

and for all that my client is not guilty."

The entire jury, their eyes are staring at

that back door as 3 2 1 the doors did not open. 15 seconds,

30 seconds the doors did not open,

but finally after 60 seconds with their eyes glued to that back door,

the doors still did not open.

The attorney looks at the jury and says,

"The judge told you that if there was even an iota of doubt,

you cannot convict my client guilty

and by the looks in your eyes

and the stares at

that back door,

you had doubt."

The jury very quickly just went and deliberated,

came back and gave the verdict guilty.

The attorney was absolutely livid and said, "How could you convict my client guilty?

I watched your eyes, you were staring at that back door.

How could you convict my client?"

And the lead juror looks at the attorney and says, "Yes,

we were all looking at that back door,

but we also noticed that you and your client were not."

If you don't believe your own story why should we?

Conviction.

Clarity is your ability to make that complex simple,

to explain clearly the problems that you solve.

One of my closest friends asked me quite often,

"Can you explain what you do to my grandma?"

What about to a five-year-old?

Most people what they try to do is they try to look smart

and they sound like an encyclopedia.

Don't look at the person next to you if that's the person.

Don't point anyone out.

But here's the thing, a confused mind does not buy.

Anyone ever play the telephone game

when we were kids where you would whisper into the first person's ear,

you'd go in a circle, everyone would whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, come back,

and the message that came back is hilariously different than the one

that it started with.

But that's not as funny in real life.

There is power in communication, but that communication has to have clarity.

Competence is our ability and our knowledge, experience, and wisdom to understand an industry,

our prospects, our clients, their world, their company, our own products and craft.

So, quick moment of vulnerability.

One of the most embarrassing things I have done in my career was early

on when I was trying to get a meeting with an executive,

I said to her, I go, "Hey, if at the end of this meeting,

if you don't feel value, we can walk away as friends."

Her response, "I don't need any more friends."

Yeah, listen, I already said it was embarrassing, you don't have to judge me,

right?

Now, here's the thing,

what it made me realize is

that I didn't show up with character cuz I didn't value her time.

I didn't show up with conviction

because I didn't show value

or believe in the value.

I didn't have clarity in my message,

and I didn't have the competence to understand her world,

which means I did not have credibility.

Credibility is simple.

Do we do what we say we're going to do?

Do we have the results, and do we have the evidence?

Character, conviction, clarity, competence, and credibility.

These five C's build your reputation and your reputation is what makes you referable.

But, about a month ago, a buddy of mine says to me, "Stephen,

there are so many people that ask me for referrals,

and I would not refer most of them

because I would be embarrassed to put them in front of my contacts.

And it's why he doesn't believe that the referral strategy works very often."

He said, "Most of them don't even know

and are completely unaware

that they are not referable."

So, how do you test your referability?

Here's a very simple habit that will not only expand your network,

but help you test your referability.

Next time you're in a conversation, or anytime before you end a conversation,

ask this question.

Who is the most influential person that knows you well whom you highly respect?

When I ask this in group uh group dynamics in organizations to prove the

power of this,

it is amazing to see the names that come up.

NFL owners, CEOs, big-time industry leaders,

but what's hilarious is watching everybody else's faces

as they realize how close they have been the entire time to people of

real influence.

We never know who someone else knows.

Networks are everywhere, even within our own organization,

but too many times we ignore them instead of unlocking them.

Now, here's the reason this question works so well with testing the five C's.

When somebody tells you a name, simply ask,

"Why do you respect that person so well?"

And if the reason resonates, simply respond,

"I would love to learn from that person, too.

And I'd like to bring some value.

Would you mind introducing me?"

You will not always get a yes, and that's okay.

Because a referral is not a transaction.

It is an earned transfer of trust.

But if they say yes,

you now know your reputation is strong enough to travel.

And if they say no, you gain insight.

I encourage you to invite a conversation of vulnerability

and learn which of the five C's you might be lacking in.

I live by a very simple statement.

If you want to have an amazing life, surround yourself with amazing people.

So, I invite you, and I challenge you to make one commitment today.

In your very next conversation, ask for a referral.

Ask for an introduction.

It takes intention.

It takes a plan.

But you never know what opportunity lies on the other side of that conversation.

So, just ask.

Thank you, everyone.

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