we need to talk about belle burden's insane memoir again

You are so much better off just being totally honest

because although you will definitely still take the hits,

you ultimately to some extent control your own narrative

and you get to tell the truth

and you get to show your receipts.

Well, hello everyone and welcome to this video in which I'm feeling,

I'll be honest, a little vindicated.

I'm going to try to tamp my smugness down here because frankly,

it's always important to be very humble in your correctness.

It's an important quality to have.

But, I do feel somewhat vindicated

and I think that this article published in The New Yorker this weekend in

which I am quoted is worth getting back on the channel

and having a little follow-up conversation

because just like my first video on this topic,

I think there are some real lessons to be learned here.

For those who missed it,

I'm going to give a very brief summary of what we're talking about today

to catch you up to speed,

but I do think

if you're really interested in this discourse

that it's worth going back

and watching my hour-long video reviewing the book Strangers by Belle Burden to really

get full context.

But, for those who don't have the time or desire to do that,

here's a quick summary of what we're going to be talking about today.

So, a few months ago,

I picked up the aforementioned memoir on recommendation of a few of my friends.

This memoir by Belle Burden, a woman who is a many-generation socialite,

trust-fund girly, just lady about town both in Manhattan

and on their Martha's Vineyard compound wrote initially an extremely popular modern love column

about 3 years ago detailing the seemingly sudden dissolution of her marriage

which was then turned into this memoir

which has become a massive bestseller.

I was going to say record-breaking,

but so long as my nemesis Mel Robbins is at the top of these

lists,

I highly doubt anyone's breaking records anytime soon,

but suffice to say it became a massively popular memoir

and is still selling all across the country.

It is the subject of much discourse.

At not one, but two doctor's appointments over the last month,

I have gotten into an impromptu conversation about this memoir with my doctors

because everyone's reading it.

And at the time I picked up the book really not knowing

that it was going to talk about money at all,

but upon reading the book

although the media at the time was very focused on the cheating

and betrayal and divorce aspects of this memoir,

the more let's say emotional/personal aspects of the memoir,

pretty much immediately on reading it it struck me

as being a financial cautionary tale,

which is the vast majority of what I talk about in my hour-long video

on the subject,

which has become more popular than I thought it would that video.

Frankly, I thought no one would watch it,

but as the book has become more popular

and as I think more

and more people are leaving it with a lot of financial head-scratching,

they are coming to my video and watching me talk about it.

And it is that video

that is quoted in this New Yorker piece

that came out this weekend

that we are going to talk about today

because it sheds a lot of light on the finances of this book

as they are represented by the author.

But in my initial video,

which again is about the financial part of this because yes,

in the book the husband cheats on her, he leaves her very suddenly,

he seemingly completely abandons his children

and shows absolutely no interest in them ever again.

The youngest of which being 12 years old at the time of all of

this.

So, he seems like an absolute sociopath monster

and that is really what a lot of the focus was both in the

book and in the media tour around it.

Slowly but surely the conversation has become more

and more financial in nature

because and this is an extremely limited summary of what happens in the book,

but just a few highlights are

that he changes her pre-nup days before the wedding to become much less to

become much less advantageous to her.

She stops working and he earns all the money,

which is not put into joint accounts

because under the terms of their new pre-nup only things

that are held jointly will be split jointly in case of divorce.

So, he's basically got all of the financial cards.

She drains her trust funds to buy properties

that she then puts in both of their names,

meaning that the "quote unquote" only things that were hers suddenly become theirs,

even though his money is not shared.

She is having to give her husband a full breakdown of her spending every

month.

She also, by her own telling,

willingly chooses to never look at any of their accounts throughout the entirety of

their marriage and just assume

that everything's going fine.

All of this, by the way,

happening against the backdrop of her not just coming from great wealth

when he did not,

uh but also her being a working attorney at the time of them meeting.

So, you're And with a family council on top of it.

So, truly, you had every reason to go into this marriage as an equal,

if not having by far the upper hand financially and otherwise,

and leaving kind of at this man's mercy.

And a lot of what this book talks about in the last third,

which is a lot of what I focus on in my video,

is because of this accumulation of, I would say,

shocking financial choices on on Belle's part going into this marriage,

she is left essentially going through,

as they quote me in the New Yorker saying,

um a a a humiliation ritual in divorce court

because she's trying desperately to hold on to these two assets

that she has,

these two homes that she bought outright

and then put in both of their names,

while he has been able to essentially hoard millions of dollars to

which she is not entitled in separate accounts

because he has been working this entire time,

also actively discouraging her from working or earning her own money,

um and keeping it all from her.

And so, my thesis in the original telling of this video was this is

a great cautionary tale for women everywhere

that uh you can start with everything

and end with nothing

if you are not willing to be your own financial advocate.

Now, there has been quite a bit of discourse happening in the comment section

of that video because some people felt

that I was being too harsh on her.

And some people even essentially suggested

that she was a victim of financial abuse

and that um we can't judge her for

or or even really I would say just analyze her choices in ways

that we can learn from

because they happen in a context of abuse.

As I say in my pinned comment on the video,

I don't know whether or not this woman was abused.

All I can read is what she herself writes and throughout the book,

even including during the year-long period where they were separated

but not yet divorced after he had cheated on her

and walked out on the family,

she voluntarily says that she still chose to never look at a single account

and to just basically give 100% of the financial decision-making power over to him

and even still continue to give him a monthly breakdown of her purchases.

So, to that I say

if you are continuing to voluntarily not learn anything whatsoever about your financial situation

even after you've been cheated on

and abandoned I and you're in no contact with this man by your own

telling or extremely limited contact,

I don't know how to say that other than you chose not to know.

So, the the image

that I was left with in this situation was a cautionary tale

because although I did not walk away from

that book feeling as

though she were a victim of financial abuse,

I certainly felt that she was a good example of someone who was willing

to abdicate their financial agency in the interest of love

and a beautiful wedding

and children and all of these other things

which as I say

then and will say now is extraordinarily common especially in wealthy situations where you

don't necessarily have to keep a super close eye on what's happening financially in

the marriage.

I don't want to necessarily say I understand

because the truth is especially

if you are working

as an attorney going into this,

I have a hard time understanding

that decision-making but I at least can acknowledge

that it's extremely common

and if you are raised in an environment where women are taught to look

the other way on any number of things it's not entirely shocking to me

that this would happen.

As Bell writes in her book,

she is the sort of she's many generations in on women being cheated on,

left, mistreated, etc. by their ne'er-do-well husbands.

And these are all society women who come from extraordinary wealth and privilege.

But yeah, so suffice to say

that was sort of the thesis of my original video.

And that became more and more as the months have gone on,

the focus of a lot of the coverage of the book.

In the New Yorker article,

they talk about how her story has essentially really become a financial cautionary tale

for a lot of women.

And I'm just going to repeat this right here.

I know I'm always plugging it.

I'm going to plug it again.

If you do not have a budgeting app or something like it,

please get one.

I use Monarch.

We work with Monarch.

You can click them in the link in our description.

Uh but use whatever you want.

Just please, ladies especially, know where your money is,

know where it's going every month, have a 360 view on your finances.

Also, have your own accounts.

We use Betterment.

You can use whatever you want,

but start investing and have control over your own investments.

So many people don't even know the passwords to their accounts.

I can go on that for days,

but that is what I was left with coming out of this book was

like,

know your have a good pre-nup,

know what's going on in your marriage financially and otherwise,

don't leave it up to anyone else to decide.

You certainly can't trust these men,

especially not these like horrendous socialite hedge fund men.

But don't trust anyone.

Or as my husband would say, trust, but verify.

So, we used it

as like a learning lesson for the women watching about what we need to

focus on going into marriage

and how to keep our wits about us

and how if it can happen to her,

it can happen to anyone.

And that increasingly became the media coverage.

In fact, they talk in the New Yorker article about about how um even

uh financial literacy classes have started popping up around this book.

Now, we have not created a course around this,

but I will say our monthly book club for the month of June,

we are finally going to be talking about Strangers by Bill Burdon

and by extension this article.

So, if you want to come to our book club this month,

I'm hosting it.

We're going to be It's going to be lit in there.

So, click the link in our description

if you want to join our book club.

But anyway, all of that is to say,

it has become a financial conversation and my takeaway in reading this book.

Now, part of the reason I feel validated is not only

because a lot of the conversation post

that video has become

and I'm not saying it's

because of that video,

but I'm just saying my initial take on this story which was much more,

I would say, through a critical lens than a lot of the media coverage

had been to that point.

A lot of the media coverage up till then had just been like,

"This is so horrible, Diva.

That guy sounds awful.

I'm so sorry."

And like very focused on the emotional aspect, which is valid,

but I had many, many follow-up questions and some, not all,

but some people were saying like,

"Don't bother her about the money stuff

or the pre-nup stuff

or the house stuff.

Like, just feel empathy for her."

And I think I personally think both can be true,

but I also think it's much more important to focus on how we got

here because,

as I say in the video,

you cannot prevent a man from cheating on you.

You cannot prevent a man from leaving you

or treating you like What you can prevent is being completely at his mercy

if he chooses to do

that.

And that is what happens in all of the setup.

Now, as I say in the video, based on many, many, many, many,

many of the the anecdotes that she herself shares,

I do not believe

that this man was a perfect husband from the get-go

and only the very day

that she found out about him cheating through his mistress's husband calling her

and telling her did he become a monster.

He came across to me like a monster that entire book.

He also came across to me

as someone who was probably cheating on her for

that entire marriage and by the way,

I think most of those men who run in the circles he does

and live the life

that he did probably are cheating on their wives.

I think that that is kind of de rigueur in that social cast,

let's say.

Um, but even assuming that that man was absolutely perfect,

not a red flag to be seen that entire marriage,

you still still cannot ensure 100%

that it will not change in the future

and that you will not be left in the lurch.

But as I mentioned, the entire last third of that book,

aside from talking about her Modern Love column on this subject being published

and going viral,

there's a lot about that, about her process as a writer.

And I also want to highlight here,

I gave her her flowers in that first video,

I will give her the flowers here.

She is a good writer, this book is very well written, it is beautiful,

it is a lot more captivating than the the majority of memoirs,

and it's not just because of the subject matter.

It is beautifully written, beautifully structured, lyrical, very well edited, well paced.

I was gripped from start to finish,

read it in a day and a half.

I loved this book.

No, I probably read it in a few more days than that,

but only because I was busy.

I In terms of reading time, as soon as I was tapped in,

I was tapped the hell in.

Um so, I I must give her that credit, Modern Love article also wonderful.

But, aside from the actual writing process and the virality of her article,

which is a lot of what we focus on in the final third of

that book,

the other thing that we focus on is her emotional

and particularly her financial distress,

being taken through divorce court by this man.

Because the way that she represents it in this book is

that she drained both of her trusts

that she came into the marriage with,

and she talks about how her father uh really frittered away a lot of

the family money before his passing,

so there wasn't as much left in her trusts.

Um but, the way that she frames it is she stopped working,

she signed the bad pre-nup wherein only things held jointly would be divided jointly

in the case of divorce,

which was not how it was initially written,

and which heavily disadvantages the person who stopped working for obvious reasons.

She then drains both of her trusts to buy their Manhattan property

and their Martha's Vineyard property,

and then puts both of those things in both of their names.

Meaning that the quote-unquote only things she has, by this telling,

are now things that he owns half of.

And on top of it,

he was able to keep all this money hidden from her

because he was the only one working this entire time,

and she, by her own admission, was not looking at her bank accounts.

So, by the time it came time for them to divorce, he was like,

"I'm keeping all of my and I'm taking half of your Fight me." essentially.

And she talks about like him becoming incredibly vindictive, incredibly petty, and withholding,

and essentially doing everything in his power to take not only all of his

stuff,

but half of the only things that she had.

And by her telling she wasn't working, wasn't earning money,

she didn't bring it She didn't have anything else in the way of assets

and didn't even have control over her accounts.

So, she was essentially at his mercy.

And she It It's a very like dramatic story arc where you're like up

until the last minute you're like,

"What's going to happen?

Is this man going to essentially take everything from her in divorce court?"

And then by her telling of it,

he relents at the very last minute and he's like, "Fine,

you can have your little properties."

And she's like, "Okay, I'm okay."

Um and even in her interviews after the fact,

she's talked a lot about how like essentially outside of

that she gets nothing from him.

Like there's child support, but that goes entirely to the kids.

And like she's I wouldn't describe it

as crying poverty because obviously

when we're talking about people who have like just those properties alone are I

think collectively worth like $20 million.

Like these are not poor people.

But she's definitely portraying herself

as being like heavily on the back foot

and at his mercy financially.

And I, even in my being critical of this situation

because I do think it is a massive cautionary tale for women everywhere

if it was exactly

as it was represented,

even I did not go

as far in the video

as to say that even

that story wasn't adding up to me.

What I did express was

that her representation of him

as being a perfect husband up until this happened felt very not accurate to

me.

And maybe listen, a lot of us We all have our delusions, right?

Maybe she really did think he was a perfect husband.

But I said that even by what is written on the page,

there's no way in hell

that this man was a perfect husband before this happened

and then just a switch was flipped

that one day in early COVID

and we'll touch back on

that in a second,

but then he just became an absolute monster from hell.

I don't believe that and didn't and said so in the video,

but as far as her financial telling of this,

I took her at her word and I was like, "Damn, Diva,

you really put yourself in a terrible position

and I think all women can

and should learn from this."

In my heart of hearts going into this, I was like,

"Something feels off here about the financial telling of this."

Because there's a lot of aspects to it where like even on a very

functional level in terms of like her supporting herself through the divorce proceedings

and talking about paying off certain cards

and talking about having separate accounts.

Like there are even anecdotes throughout the telling of the book

that allude to her having more money than just those two homes

that she drained her trusts to buy.

Which by the way, when you say drained your trusts,

I am picturing and I think most people are picturing whatever the purchase price

was of those homes,

that corresponded essentially exactly to what was in those trust accounts

and then you went whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop

and they were basically at zero

and you were no longer able to draw down on them.

So as I mentioned,

I am quoted in this New Yorker article along with several other financial sources

who have talked about this book from a financial perspective.

It turns out that Jessica Winter at The New Yorker was like,

"Let me head on down to the courthouse

and see what actually happened in this divorce

because these numbers aren't making a whole lot of sense to me."

So I'm just going to read directly from the article

that gives I would say a more accurate portrayal of what the actual finances

were.

Here we go.

We're reading here, so bear with me.

Quote, "It's evident from the book, however,

that Burden did have her own income

because she affirms that she

and Davis shared expenses

as agreed to in their prenup.

She also maintained a separate American Express account for purchases she did not want

Davis,

whom she portrays as controlling and selectively thrifty, to see.

Documents filed in the divorce show that in 2019,

Burden reported an income of a little over $800,000,

including $190,000 from the sale of her mother's house in the Catskills.

A spokesperson for Burden said that her income that year was atypically high.

Davis made well into the seven figures in 2019.

And an examination of the prenup may also undercut the sense

that Burden's long-term financial situation was precarious.

Davis's financial disclosure, by the way, I should say here Davis is her husband.

As of 1999, listed a little more than $200,000 in base salary plus slightly

less than that in marketable security/cash,

and noted that he was entitled to profits in a seven-figure investment fund.

Burden's disclosure, by contrast,

tallied her total financial assets and interest in trust at approximately $63 million.

These monies included the two trusts that she eventually tapped into by the property,

but the majority of it was a $45 million share in a trust created

from her late father's estate,

which was and remains inaccessible to Burden for now.

The trust is structured to provide resources for Burden's stepmother until her death,

at which point the remainder of its assets, minus any estate tax,

will go to Burden and her brother, its two beneficiaries.

Additionally, Burden had an $8 million share in a charitable trust

and a $4 million interest in Wamco,

her family's limited partnership.

She had also received a $300,000 commission for serving

as a trustee of this estate,

which included a Hamptons property

that sold to the billionaire Stephen Schwarzman for $34 million in 2006,

and an 11-room co-op at 1020 5th Avenue,

across the street from the Metropolitan Museum of Art,

that sold for $22 million in 2012.

Burden's statement closes by noting

that Bella had additional potential contingent remote

or minor interest in a number of other trusts.

So, the overall picture is of a person whose long-term financial security appeared guaranteed.

In the eventual divorce settlement,

Burden is listed as a beneficiary of no fewer than five trusts.

Apart from those trusts,

Burden's net worth statement filed in December 2020 showed

that she also had her own Vanguard account

and a 6% stake in Wamco.

The combined value of the two exceeded $10 million

and all of those resources would remain Burden's alone in the divorce.

Now, listen.

I Okay, I must go on a personal digression here.

To to just touch back on the COVID thing.

I spent a few minutes,

let's say let's say close to 10 minutes in my initial video of this

talking about how maybe the most shocking part of the memoir Strangers was how

it all took place in the first 6 months of peak COVID

and it is just a character study in rich people doing whatever the hell

during early COVID.

Like we are flying back and forth constantly between New York and Martha's Vineyard.

We are at the the country club having parties.

We are going to people's houses.

We are living it the hell up.

It to me felt also we're like we have our dog being boarded for

4 months of early COVID

which not to be one of those white people that's like not the dog,

but like truly what the hell that poor dog.

Take it to Martha's Vineyard.

That's crazy.

Also her like 17-year-old son for the first like 6 months of this book

is like quarantining with 17 other teenage boys in the Hamptons at another estate.

Like so much of it to me felt like a peek into the 1%

in a way that I was like damn,

we are really far enough removed from peak COVID

that people don't even feel like they need to pretend anymore.

We are just saying exactly what we were doing

and like it really took me back to those early days of of COVID

of being like socially distanced of course

while you're doing the most unbelievable thing in like April of 2020.

And listen, some people were like this is petty to harp on the COVID

part of it to me,

but to me it felt very indicative of what the overall vibe is of

rich people feeling the need to censor themselves

because they kind of know how things look

and the COVID part to me felt like a very interesting anthropological moment

because it was like,

"Wow, if she had published this book even a year or two after COVID,

she would have completely changed how she represented the COVID compliance aspect of it."

Because it would have been, I think,

extremely negatively received because we were all still, I think, rightfully very traumatized.

And myself as a New Yorker who is hunkered down in New York City,

alone by the way,

because my husband was forced out of the country due to immigration issues.

Um I was out there banging pots and pans and watching, you know,

ambulances lined up uh along the street and sirens constantly and, you know,

not seeing anyone for months on it.

Like, we were living that life.

And so, if this book had come out, let's say,

in the two years post-COVID uh or post-peak pandemic, like,

I think that there would have been a much much more of a reason

for her,

or at least her publisher, to be like, "Mama,

you can't be talking openly about going to parties at the, you know,

Martha's Vineyard Country Club in, you know, for May Day or whatever in 2020."

But, times have changed, I suppose.

We've all collectively memory-holed a lot of that.

And so, she's out there being like,

"And then uh we flew back to Manhattan for the afternoon from Martha's Vineyard

to go uh get some stuff out of our closet

and then come back."

Constantly, by the way, we're getting anecdotes like that.

Like, the entire sort of peak action of this book happens in literal March

of 2020.

So, we're talking about peak, peak, peak COVID.

And by the way, we don't even address the fact that, like,

they had already, when this starts,

decamped to Martha's Vineyard uh to to escape Manhattan,

which is what we were all supposed to not do

because that's how COVID initially started spreading.

But, it was a real case study in the 1%

and what they do

and don't feel the need to,

let's say, massage the truth on

because they know how it's going to come across.

I have a suspicion

that we are in a an extremely economically uh difficult moment right now.

It is like I think

that the 1% can hear they hear the like squeaky wheels of the guillotines

being pulled out,

uh, and they're very careful, I think,

comparatively about how flagrant they are about showing the extent of their money

because they're acutely aware they're they're reading the room

or at least they have people on their teams who are capable of reading

the room and I would say probably the publisher's capable of reading the room

to some extent because listen,

I have published many books in my day

and let me tell you one thing about the hardworking people of the publishing

industry is that except for a few of them these people are not rolling

on they're not Scrooge McDucking into gold coins like these people are generally living

relatively normal lives except for the very top brass

but that's a completely the the sort of crazy top-heavy salaries of publishing is

another video for another day

but suffice to say I think there is definitely a sense in,

you know, what are we May of 2026

that the general public is not going to feel overly sympathetic to a woman

who is like,

"Oh no, my hedge fund husband who by my own telling has been, uh,

a neglectful piece of uh,

who's barely present as a parent for the entire 20-plus years of our marriage

finally I think flew a little too close to the sun

and slept with a woman at work who was like married

and a relatively new mom

and so her husband,

uh, tattled on him and then we divorced and, you know,

I'm very I'm really distraught about this which again, listen,

it doesn't matter how much money you have getting cheated on never feels good

I'm certainly not heartless enough to not acknowledge

that however I think everyone's aware at this point

that if you're going to tell

that story you want to up the pathos a little bit you definitely want

to represent yourself as being not just aggrieved emotionally

but aggrieved financially and let's say at this man's mercy

or perhaps more of a victim financially than you are

if you're going to paint the whole picture

which between brokerage accounts,

earnings, real estate, trust that you have access to,

trust that you don't have access to,

we're talking a wealth in like the range of like between like 50

and 100 million dollars.

An enormous amount of which is like accessible currently, some of which is not,

but like on the whole,

like we are so far removed from like I gave this man everything I

had,

I drained my two trusts.

Like we kept we kept repeating in the book

and on the press for my two trusts,

my two trusts.

WE HAVE LIKE SEVEN TRUSTS ON TOP OF ALL of the other things

that we have both in cash,

in brokerages, in in active earnings,

in trusts that we won't tap tap into until another family member passes away.

Like I think that there is an acute sense of like ooh,

I think we're getting into like a really who gives a territory

if we're going to be

so honest about the financial situation.

So we're going to have to represent this in a very, let's just say,

strategic way.

And listen, I want to say

as someone who is by no means a fraction of a fraction of Bell

Burdens' wealth here,

but is a wealthy person who has money.

Now, I am the opposite of a Bell Burden in the sense

that I am not receiving money from family,

I give money to family.

Like I'm the family member who made it.

We're turning to Chelsea to pay for things and help with things and whatever.

Like so certainly not in that direction am I, you know,

I'm I'm not old money, I'm the freshest of new money.

However, I do have money

and I am aware of the fact

that even with my,

let's say, relatively still upper middle class level of wealth,

anytime I am open about that money, I open myself up to backlash.

I made a video not even a few days ago here about the the

the home that I purchased in France,

which will serve for a little less than half of the year

as a home for my myself

and,

you know, with husband and our loved ones,

but then for the majority of the year will be a a a a

a a a a a an artist residency

and a free artist residency,

so you can go watch that to learn about it.

But I knew even in saying that, like, to own two properties, to have,

you know, around $7,000 a month in most in in monthly housing costs,

to live this extremely privileged life

that I do even

as a dual income no kid household,

even as people who have done it ourselves.

And by the way, to people who say I married money,

that implies that I married someone who had money at that time.

When I met my husband, I was 22, he was 23,

he made $40,000 a year,

which by the way was a great living for France especially at

that time at that age.

No, absolutely nothing to sneeze at,

but we did not accrue any kind of considerable money until I had been

with him for a decade.

So, like, I did not know, like,

we both bought in low as hell on each other, let's just say that.

So, I did not come from money, I did not marry money, quote unquote,

but even living this very privileged life

that we do and having the money

that we do,

and being very honest, I always share all of the dollar amounts,

I share what I earn, I share what we pay for things,

I share all of that.

I know that that sets me up for a level of scrutiny, criticism,

you know, Reddit threads, whoever the hell, like,

people you're always going to run into some blowback for that.

Partially because I'm a woman

and I think we scrutinize women way more than we do men in this

regard,

but also because like times are tough.

Like people do not want to hear about other people's financial success for the

most part.

It can feel very tone deaf, it can feel very out of touch,

it can feel like who cares, I don't, you know, want to support you,

which by the way, want to remind you, anytime you support this company,

this company has seven employees, many other contractors.

My salary from this company is $108,000.

When you support this company,

90 plus percent of that does not go to me.

It's not like you're putting money in my pockets,

you are putting money in the company

which supports all of these women who make a living from it who do

incredible hard work every day um

and deserve to,

you know, earn a wonderful living and have a wonderful life.

So, you're not supporting me,

but I I understand how when you out yourself as having means,

you you become less sympathetic.

People don't want to {quote} support you.

And I understand that on both a financial level and on an emotional level,

you you take some, you know, you take some hits in the likability department.

You lose some HP.

However, I do believe it is very important to be honest.

I do believe it is very important to disclose.

It is why I do it,

and I think that

if the lumps that I have to take are a few people leaving nasty

comments about me or speculating about me

or saying occasionally untrue things

that I always want to correct the record on,

but you once you go down that road, you'll never end.

That's a really relatively low price to pay for living an otherwise incredibly privileged

life.

But I will say something as someone who did not grow up with money,

who now has it, and who now socializes in New York City.

I work and live primarily in New York City.

I'm, for example, the only one of my friends who does not have a

college degree,

often multiple degrees, who does not come from some kind of money,

who does not, or at least, let's say, upper-middle-class type stability,

um who does not have the same background.

Something that I have noticed is particularly people who come from money are very

cagey about disclosing it.

Very cagey about being honest about it.

They also, by the way, and I will say this,

tend to be the most cheap.

Like I've noticed over the years,

my friends who are most quick to like double-check, um you know,

when the check comes at a restaurant

and make sure they're only paying for exactly what they ordered

and nothing more.

Generally speaking, those are my friends who come from money, and I love them,

and they have many other qualities, and I understand we got to be,

you know, keeping an eye on things,

but I have noticed

that it is my friends who come from relatively little who are going to

be like,

even if I have nothing, put it on my card,

and we'll figure it out later, um or who will pay for things.

And it is my friends who come from money who are more like check,

check, check, check, check.

Anecdotal, but it's been very true to me.

But it is also especially the people who come from money.

And listen, I don't know a person who comes from Bel Burton style money.

There aren't that many people who come from Bel Burton style money.

But, I do know, socially, especially in the outer rings of my social groups,

people who come from substantial money or who married into substantial money.

So, like I would say like you live in like, let's say, a five,

six, seven million-dollar home.

I know multiple people like that in New York City.

Not always, there are some exceptions.

But, for the most part, those people are the most cagey about money.

And I think that part of that is,

I think you're raised in the kind of like, you know, old money,

noblesse oblige, like we don't, you know, we don't discuss these things.

Like I think there is,

you're sort of raised in that environment and it becomes your norm.

But, I also think,

especially if these are people who move in more progressive

or more sort of socially,

culturally, um let's say, uh artistic spaces like this book is being received in.

Again, you can hear the squeak of the guillotine.

You know that people are going to look at you a certain way.

You're going to take your lumps.

And they don't want to do that.

They want to be perceived a certain way.

And therefore, they are going to conveniently omit a lot of realities.

And I've talked about this one-on-one with people before,

people who have very substantial money, much more substantial than I have,

who are constantly getting

because people have found out about this

and are like getting mad at them about it.

And I always tell them,

and it is partially

because I work in the financial space where there is simultaneously a a pressure

to show success because

that demonstrates your prowess financially,

but also not have too much

because you're also often speaking to people who are really working on themselves financially

and therefore more sensitive to this kind of thing.

The level of misleading and incomplete disclosure and misrepresentation is sky-high.

And I have always told people, again, especially in the financial space,

like you are so much better off just being totally honest

because although you will definitely still take the hits,

you ultimately to some extent control your own narrative,

and you get to tell the truth, and you get to show your receipts.

Like I always think about like Eminem in 8 Mile like saying everything before

the other person can say it.

Like you're better off doing that.

And as a complete digression,

but it it it it it it it haunts me so much.

One of the reasons

that I have such a love-hate relationship with being in the financial space

and identified as a personal finance influencer in this article,

which like whatever, I guess that's how all

that that will be on my tombstone.

I guess I'll never escape that.

But I really hate the financial space in a lot of ways

because not only is a lot of it dominated by like the Dave Ramsey's

of the world,

barf.

There is also a truly massive level of scammery in the financial space.

If you could see behind the scenes,

like when I'm ready to leave this space fully,

like the the the tell-all memoir that I will drop,

like I don't know where I'm going to put this.

The like the the Patreon of all Patreon drops or whatever.

Like I'll probably put it behind a paywall to make some money off of

it.

But like the exposé

that I will write

because the number of people in this space who are complete frauds,

like whether that's scamming on classes, not paying people,

not operating their business the way

that they represent themselves

because nine times out of 10 they're just hoarding more money for themselves

and not paying out people properly

or whatever the case.

Like the level of scammery, even by people who present themselves as very progressive,

even by people that I know personally, have endorsed personally,

like have had personal relationships with.

Like when you scratch beneath the surface on a lot of the financial uh

space,

the level of misrepresentation is out of control.

And part of the reason is because, again,

you have to project that image of success,

but still ask people for money or still present yourself as more relatable,

present yourself as someone that, you know,

people looking to buy financial classes for are going to want to buy financial

classes from.

So, on the one hand,

you have people who represent themselves

as having vastly more than they do

because they want to seem more successful

and therefore more aspirational.

And on the other hand,

you have people representing themselves

as having less because they want to seem more relatable

or they want to get away with not paying people

as much,

which is very much the case.

But, I say all of this to say,

and I know I love using that transition,

but we're going to use it again.

I say all of this to say,

when I look at the extreme disparity between how Belle Burden represented herself in

that book and how her finances actually looked,

on some level, I think

that that is a perfect encapsulation of our current moment with how we expect

public figures to show up

and our extremely difficult relationship with aspiration versus relatability on social media.

Because again, using influencers, even leaving the financial space aside,

using influencers as an example,

we simultaneously want influencers to show us these like incredible-seeming lives

that we watch from home

and we cheer on

and we like,

comment, subscribe.

And we like seeing this beautiful life.

We like seeing the trips and the homes and all of this.

Not all of us.

I hate watching that but like a lot of people do.

It is undeniably what's popular.

We love to build people up,

but when they reach a certain level of success,

we become extremely nitpicky

and scrutinize their money

and feel like it's a read-the-room,

we can't afford groceries situation.

And there is a very fine tightrope

that people in the public eye have to walk where they have to simultaneously

have this aspirational life

or they just They don't even have to have it.

Like in Belle Burden's case,

they literally were born into

that life and yet they have to come across

as likeable.

They have to come across as someone that you root for.

They have to come across as someone relatable,

especially in a story that's being represented like this,

where it's like essentially like a battle cry for divorced women everywhere who have

been screwed over by a bad man.

I'm not even saying that there aren't some overlaps between your, you know,

let's say single mother fighting for her life in divorce court who has to

move back in with her parents

because she can't afford to live on her own until her settlement is reached

and she,

you know, stopped working outside of the home

and has nothing of her own

that her husband can't,

you know, take from her or freeze her out of,

which you're not allowed to do by the way in divorce proceedings,

but many people do it anyway.

I'm not saying that there's no similarities between that woman and a Belle Burden,

but I am saying that Belle is not an idiot.

Clearly, she wrote a very good book

and her publishers are not idiots either

and they know what books need to have to to be successful

and a huge amount of what makes a book successful is an ability to

project yourself or to relate to it in some way,

especially when it comes to memoir,

especially when it comes to telling your own life story.

They know that there needs to be that level of relatability.

And so, what does all of this redound to,

whether it's in her particular case or in, you know,

the case of an influencer or of just your, let's say,

New Yorker working a job,

you're getting you're sitting next to them at the office,

you make the same salary

and yet they're able to live a life that's 10 times

as luxurious as yours is

and you're wondering,

"Wow, I must be really bad at budgeting."

No, their parents pay their rent.

Like, what do all of these things have in common?

Unfortunately, it is a construction of a very specific narrative

that involves a lot of omission.

That is, I would say,

the most common theme in a lot of how this is represented.

And again, that is not to deny the people on the other side of

the spectrum.

Again, this is more prevalent in like the male-focused financial space,

but people who are clearly misrepresenting how much they have in order to seem

relatable.

That does exist.

But when you're talking about public figures,

when you're talking about people who are in the public eye, celebrities, influencers,

bestselling authors, all of that.

Generally speaking, we're often talking about the reverse,

where we are constructing a very specific portrait of ourselves

and choosing what we omit,

choosing what we highlight, and choosing what we omit.

And I will say, personally speaking,

even leaving aside being in the personal finance space,

which is truly ground zero for this nonsense, just living in New York,

just having a pretty diverse friend group in terms of where people come from,

there is an inherent tension, you know,

when I'm sitting at dinner with a group of friends,

and one of those friends comes from, you know,

East Coast boarding schools

and Ivy Leagues and ski trips

and multi-million-dollar homes and all of these luxuries,

and another person comes from, you know,

a working-class home in Brooklyn where they're having to support their own family with

their relatively normal middle-class salary,

there is an unspoken tension there, even if it's never verbalized,

even if it's never acknowledged.

There is always an inherent tension because if you ask me,

I don't necessarily think it's totally normal to

then go Dutch on

that on that check.

I don't necessarily think it's normal for everyone to act

as if we are all operating on the same operating system financially.

And yet, because it is

so normalized to really downplay the disparities

and the unfairness and the privilege,

because we feel like

that opens an entire can of worms

that then becomes extremely unflattering to us,

it goes unspoken.

And if the person who has less ever verbalizes it,

there becomes this sort of like you become the problem.

You become the unlikable one.

You become the weirdo who's making it weird.

It is attention that I live with constantly as someone who, yes,

is more affluent, absolutely.

I'm definitely on the other side of that spectrum now,

but who also chooses to be very open to it

and therefore open myself up to criticism

or speculation or all of these other things.

It is something that I think about all the time.

And I think that a part of this comes across in my first video,

which is why it was so kind of passionate and heated,

was because I used to think

when I really struggled financially

that once I had a lot of money,

I would not feel as resentful.

Because I used to feel very resentful.

I would say that especially

when I was getting myself into all kinds of credit card debt,

the animating sentiment behind

that was it's so unfair

that other people have this

and I don't.

Like I spoke fluent French

and I couldn't go to France cuz I couldn't afford it.

And like people that I, you know, knew growing up,

like especially when I moved to a more affluent town when I was,

you know, in middle school,

I I would see these kids who would live this life

and it felt like they didn't appreciate it.

It felt like they didn't They got to wear these brand name clothes

and have new cars

and do all these things

and I felt like why do they have it

and I don't?

And I felt incredibly resentful.

I felt incredibly bitter.

I did.

It wasn't an attractive quality, but I did.

And when I spent money really irresponsibly, a part of that was like it.

Like I want it, too.

I want it, too.

And I always felt that once I got to a place of financial security,

let alone a place of wealth, where I could afford these things,

that I would not feel resentful anymore.

That I would feel at peace.

And I actually, ironically, I think feel more resentful now than I did then.

I just try, in whatever limited way I can,

to direct it to the right targets,

which is to say like becoming more politically engaged and, you know,

trying to use my platform to agitate for a lot of structural change insofar

as we can and to

and to really organize my life along those lines

and to,

you know, for example, like with this residency to focus on how I can,

you know, pass that wealth forward in a lot of different ways.

Although, yes, I do try to direct it in a different way,

I feel in some ways more resentful,

more kind of gaslit

because I always imagined

that life when you had all of this money would be better in a

lot of ways,

certainly more luxurious, but I really failed to understand how much truly easier life

is on every single level.

I always compare it to like you've gone from like bowling normally to bowling

with bumpers on.

Like, there's such a limit to the mistakes you can make,

to how bad things can get, to how, you know,

to the consequences of things.

Even something as simple as missing a flight.

Missing a flight was never an option in my life.

I've missed a few flights in the last 5 years

because the consequences aren't

that great.

I just get on the next one.

If I had to pay for a hotel, miss it, whatever.

I was cutting it close, I was finishing something for work,

got to the airport too late.

Whoops, stay overnight.

Even something as small as that is like mind-boggling to me.

As like we didn't have health insurance, for example, growing up.

My whole relationship to like medicine, doctors, being sick,

all of that was like so drastically different from now where it's like Yeah,

I mean, it's not pleasant to be sick,

but like my only concern with going to the dentist, for example,

is like going to the dentist sucks, it's unpleasant,

it gives me anxiety for like mouth reasons, you know what I mean?

Like I hope I'm not going to get scolded.

I hope I don't have cavities.

I never once think about the money aspect of it.

Like that is mind-boggling.

When I think then about the omissions

that a lot of wealthy people make in the interest of seeming more relatable,

in the interest of seeming more likeable.

It makes me feel even more enraged and even more convicted that like listen,

even if some people snipe at me for being a rich or whatever,

I would rather do

that and be honest

and take those hits than to be a part contribute to

that again,

I really consider it a form of societal gaslighting.

And do I understand why Belle Burden drastically misrepresented her financial situation

and really centered the last third of her book on this like really tense

court battle that by the telling in the New Yorker story didn't even really

happen the way that she said it did

and certainly did not have the same stakes

that she represented it

as having.

Do I understand why she did that?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Do I understand why her publisher probably was like, "Yeah,

we got to we got to massage the hell out of this part of

the story because no one's going to give a about your court battle over

your like two homes

if they know that you have a hundred million other things to fall back

on including such a side note,

but one of the things she talks about having is like a key to

a private beach on Martha's Vineyard

that the key alone is worth $450,000.

Like I mean like listen, I what am I?

I know we have bigger fish to fry in this world,

but a private key to a private beach worth half a million dollars?

Like we got to squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak the kitty.

It's like what's going on?

And I know I'm not part of the proletariat.

I know I'm not.

I know listen, if

and when the the revolution comes like I'm definitely my assets are being seized.

Clearly.

Obviously.

But like there are levels to this

and I feel even more gaslit about just the extent to

which we are comfortable misrepresenting ourselves in the interest of not getting yelled at

or in the interest of seeming more relatable.

And it happens in New York Times best-selling memoirs

and it happens in our own lives.

It happens in our own social groups.

It happens every day.

So let me be very clear

and tell you that even

as someone who has not even a fraction of what Bell Burden does

but has drastically more than I ever did,

life is 1 million percent easier on every level.

And I'm not even saying

that this could not have been a compelling memoir with all of those disclosures

made because listen,

the cheating part is dramatic as hell and by her telling,

assuming that it's true, her husband went complete sicko mode on that family.

As soon as he left, he was like,

"I'm basically never seeing those kids again.

Don't even want a second bedroom in my bachelor pad cuz I don't want

them staying the night.

Bye three children."

And again, leaving aside the fact

that the son that basically

that entire year was quarantining with 17 other teenage boys at some other person's

house in the Hamptons.

Like So it seems like no one was

that committed to seeing their kids every day.

But either way, like could the book still have been really compelling

if it were totally honest about the finances?

Sure.

Would it have read

as the drastic financial cautionary tale

that media has taken it on

as {slash} I talked about it

as in my own video?

Not at all.

Not at all.

A huge part of her sympathetic narrative in

that book was being dragged through a humiliation ritual in divorce court

that seemingly did not take place in the way it was represented.

Gwyneth Paltrow is playing her in a movie and to that I say, "Mwah.

Mwah.

Mwah.

Mwah."

It's maximizing your joint slay.

It's that meme that's like, "It's always two dumb telling each other exactly."

But like the house of Goop,

the H A U S house of Goop representing this woman in cinema,

like correct.

That is exactly who should be playing her in this movie

because I think at a certain point,

like you have to lean into it for like the White Lotus delusion

that it all is

and and the like intentional like this is Parker Posey in The White Lotus

like Buddhism.

I know she doesn't have a southern accent, but I'm just like Piper, no.

Like just zooted on benzos all day.

>> >> Okay, and she's not.

I'm sure she's not.

Like that's obviously a slightly different caricature of this type of of insulated privilege,

but it really goes to show

that like the 1%

as we said in the first video,

they were doing any old thing during COVID

and feeling no two ways about it.

They were at the country club doing a conga line

and then flying right back to Manhattan to to cause a super spreader event,

boarding their dogs for months on end.

They were being cheated on by their husbands and will never take that away.

That's a very sad thing to happen to anyone, but then they were like,

let me paint this

as a very specific sort of David versus Goliath divorce story

while sitting on I mean by this accounting tens upon tens of millions of

dollars separate from everything that's represented in the book.

That's kind of the vibes

that were we're getting from the 1%

because again they hear

that cha-ching rolling in just off screen

and they want you to like them.

They want you to see them as a certain kind of person.

I don't know if we'll ever get class consciousness in this country to be

honest.

I am feeling more despondent about this on a day-by-day basis,

um but perhaps the revealing of the truth behind this story

and the fact that we were aware we needed to really really misrepresent it

in the first place is a sign

that we maybe sense

that things are changing.

I don't know.

We'll see.

Either way I feel vindicated in a lot of my assessments from the first

video.

I feel delighted that I was quoted in this story

and I feel um heartened

that we're doing the digging

and getting the real financial truth

because it's wild out there.

Stay safe everyone.

Please track your money.

Please women, protect yourselves financially.

Never sign a bad pre-nup.

Sign a good one.

Have your own money.

Have your own emergency fund. 30

if you can get them

as I like to say.

Never ever let a man get one over on you.

And tell the truth.

Tell the truth financially.

That's all guys.

Bye.