The Bear's Best Ingredient Is Tenderness

the bear is high anxiety entertainment taking us into the pressure cooker of commercial

kitchens the food service industry

and the barado family the show makes us feel the stress of those environments

and in doing so Thrills Us in the way roller coasters do by stimulating

us physiologically in a controlled space where we're not really in any danger what

for viewers is UST stress

or beneficial stress for the characters of the bear is often distress

or negative stress the difference between these two things is not physiological the body

can't differentiate between good stress

and bad stress but psychological stress is good

when you perceive it

as good when you respond to it with feelings of Joy optimism

or accomplishment distress on the other hand overwhelms depletes causes anxiety burnout depression cari's

Family Life boils over with distress something that's made brutally clear in the sixth

episode of season 2 a flashback episode in

which we visit the barados for a chaotic Christmas dinner the members of this

family starting with the matriarch Donna are constantly compulsively putting one another under stress

the stress triggers the the fight

or flight response and many of the barzad choose fight nobody wants you here

with your big mouth in this way distress spreads through the family

and the evening like a virus culminating in violence

and destruction and by the end of the night Ki has no fight left

in him mentally he exits the room he dissociates the Christmas episode is the

key to understanding many of car choices in the Bear in choosing to become

a world class Chef he puts himself right back into stressful chaotic families

but ones that can actually create something of positive value instead of only trauma

and toxicity he's attempting to redo his childhood transforming the distress of his family

life into the ESS of productive work

but there's a problem with this

as I said before the difference between ESS

and distress is not physiological it's based on perception

and perception including and maybe especially self-perception is often flawed

as we all know it's possible to believe something is good for you

when in fact it's harmful this is the reason Workaholics race at a million

milph right up until the moment

when they crash and burn out this is how positive ideals of productivity excellence

and social benefit can be used to justify toxic practices in all workplaces

but certainly in Food Service

as the Bear shows us repeatedly Cari may think he's redeeming his childhood

but often what he's doing is simply recreating it

because it's familiar because it affirms his self-identity

because stress in addition to being harmful

or helpful can be an addiction the real antidote to the turmoil of car's

family is not more stress

or better stress but tenderness a mutual kindness

and gentleness in interpersonal relationships even

when Cari can't see this the show does this is why season 2 opens

with perhaps its most tender scene of all Marcus moisturizing the hands of his

terminally ill mother this is why the Christmas episode is interrupted by a 5minute

scene of Richie and his pregnant wife alone in a bedroom caring for each

other a poignant Counterpoint to the ion in the rest of the house again

and again in season 2 we get these quiet tender scenes in

which characters are gentle with each other giving each other the emotional space

and time to be vulnerable to express themselves they take coach K's Timeless advice

learn how to listen you're not going to learn with you just talking

and when you do talk Converse two of my favorite scenes in this season

are two conversations the first in episode 4 is the conversation between Marcus

and Luca in Copenhagen just a sweet give

and take both men are curious both listen

and respond you know

because of how stressful the bear can be I felt on edge this whole

episode expecting something to go wrong expecting Luca to be a jerk

but the episode floored me with its tenderness it was such a relief

that it brought me to tears how's your mom doing they say the expectancy

was only a couple of years

and that was 4 years ago

so and I was brought to tears again in episode 7 the one where

Richie really grows and matures

and learns to be kind to himself here again another real conversation between two

people doing the gentlest thing imaginable peeling mushrooms Chef Terry asks questions tells stories

about her father about personal failure about Second Chances

and Richie listens really listens I was out walking all night unemployed angry depressed

and I just stood there

and stared and eventually the sun came up

and it turns out I was right there

and then I walked around to the front I saw the sign it was

an actual sign it was a restaurant FAS sign Never Too Late kind of

thing yeah never too late to start over listening is ultimately what what the

barados struggled to do

though they all wanted

so desperately to be listened to instead they inflicted stress on one another in

a vicious cycle until it became pathological until they became addicted to it until

fight or flight became their responses to everything the same exact things could be

said for our anxious angry culture

and the bear knows this it's a series

that excels at capturing tension

but in the second season especially it shows us how to relieve

that tension how to escape the Vicious Cycle Try a Little Tenderness it says

that won't solve all our problems

but it will solve some now who remembers what vasu Diva the fairy man

said to sartha on the banks of the gjes river he whispered listen better

up and leave take a lot of Courage just to live the paperback of

my book of essays is available now

if you like this video I'm pretty sure you'll like the book too

so check it out I'll leave the link in the description below this episode

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first purchase thanks guys I'll see you next time