0:09 >> Excuse me.
0:10 Um Is there a woman waiting at the bar?
0:15 Um someone average height, dark hair, uh perhaps doing a puzzle?
0:19 Uh there's a drunk Chinese guy.
0:24 Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
0:28 >> >> Yeah, can I get you another glass of wine?
0:30 I don't know if I should.
0:31 I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone.
0:37 >> >> Got stood up, huh?
0:39 Uh it's no big deal.
0:39 It's just a blind date.
0:41 Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?
0:46 No.
0:47 Um you should you should think of um my work as wordless sound poems.
1:01 That's what I'm going to do. >> play.
1:38 >> >> Well, yeah.
1:38 I mean, that that was uh Terrific.
1:50 >> >> Really.
1:50 Bitchin'.
1:50 >> >> Wow.
1:51 It was so wow.
1:54 Really?
1:54 I mean, really?
1:56 Yeah.
1:56 I mean, you should play in public.
2:01 Oh, thanks, you guys.
2:03 That's Oh, I want to I want to play you another piece.
2:06 Um Oh, I left my uh helicopter sounds on another disc.
2:11 I'll be right back, okay?
2:25 >> >> You know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down.
2:29 >> >> So inspired.
2:31 Look at him.
2:31 Look at him go.
2:52 >> >> Hey, aren't you up next?
2:55 Oh, no.
2:56 I'm not playing tonight.
2:58 Why not?
3:00 I can't follow Ross.
3:03 I mean, that would be like those poor bicycle-riding chimps who had to follow
3:06 the Beatles.
3:07 Who?
3:12 >> >> Oh my god, he's lost it.
3:14 He's totally lost it.
3:19 What?
3:19 >> >> Phoebe, there's music that cannot get any worse.
3:22 There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.
3:35 >> >> Thank you.
3:36 Thanks.
3:40 Yeah, I lost it.
3:44 >> >> You know, I'm not going to play anymore.
3:45 Would you Can you finish my set?
3:50 After that, yeah.
3:53 >> >> No, mean if I can help.
4:01 >> >> Yeah, like I could lose it.
4:06 What?
4:06 I played bad on purpose, guys.
4:12 >> >> Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time.
4:14 >> No, just that last song.
4:17 GI Joe.
4:18 GI Joe.
4:19 >> Okay, I want to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.
4:23 What did you do?
4:24 Dip it in sugar?
4:26 Look, GI Joe's in, Barbie's out.
4:29 And if you guys can't deal with it, that's just your too bad.
4:34 What are you being such a weenie for?
4:36 So he's a Barbie, big deal.
4:38 You used to dress up like a woman.
4:48 What?
4:48 You used to dress up in mom's clothes all the time.
4:51 What are you talking about?
4:53 The big hat, the pearls, the little pink handbag.
4:56 >> Okay, you are totally making this up.
4:59 How can you not remember?
5:01 You made us call you a B.
5:10 >> >> Oh god.
5:12 I've literally never been this happy.
5:16 >> >> Isn't there a little song?
5:17 Oh, please god, let there be a song.
5:21 >> There was no song.
5:21 There was no song.
5:23 I am B.
5:24 >> Okay.
5:25 I drink tea.
5:26 >> Okay, that's that's enough.
5:27 Won't you?
5:29 Won't you?
5:32 Won't you?
5:35 Won't you dance AROUND WITH ME?
5:38 >> >> MISS GREEN, YOUR FATHER'S DOCTOR'S ON THE PHONE
5:41 if you'd like to speak to him.
5:42 >> Oh, great.
5:43 Um, are you going to be okay?
5:44 He's unconscious.
5:45 I think we'll be just fine.
6:25 >> >> Did the TV wake you?
6:26 No.
6:27 When you put your feet up on my bed, you tugged on my catheter.
6:39 >> >> Ouchy.
6:39 >> >> What are you doing here, Geller?
6:40 Well, I came with Rachel, who who should be back any second.
6:45 So, what's new?
6:46 Oh, I had a little heart attack.
6:49 Right.
6:50 Is Is it painful?
6:51 What?
6:51 The heart attack is sitting here talking to you.
6:56 >> >> Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here.
6:59 So, what's new with you, Geller?
7:00 Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
7:03 Nope, just the one.
7:04 Rach!
7:06 Oh, we we can't keep eating like this.
7:11 >> >> It's uh 12:50.
7:13 Okay.
7:14 Um So.
7:19 Do you make the pizzas in one of those uh wood-burning ovens?
7:25 >> >> No, actually, um I think they're gas.
7:28 Gas?
7:29 Wow.
7:35 Intense.
7:35 >> >> If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.
7:40 Hey, uh you know that smell gas has?
7:50 >> >> Yeah.
7:50 They put that in.
7:53 >> >> What?
7:54 The gas is odorless.
7:57 But, they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.
8:03 >> >> Well, okay.
8:07 >> >> A lot of other gas smells.
8:14 >> >> You know what?
8:15 Um actually, I I really I should go.
8:17 Oh, but I I I haven't paid you yet. >> what?
8:20 That's okay.
8:20 You guys have ordered so many that this one's on me.
8:24 On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you.
8:30 Just a minute, Chandler.
8:31 You have no backhand.
8:33 Excuse me, little one.
8:34 I have a very solid backhand.
8:36 Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl is not a backhand.
8:43 >> >> I was shrieking like a marine.
8:48 All right, here.
8:49 Watch me execute the three P's of championship play.
8:55 Power, precision, shoot, and panache.
9:02 >> >> You broke a little girl's leg.
9:05 I know.
9:05 I feel horrible, okay?
9:07 Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
9:12 Where exactly were you around 10:00 ish?
9:20 Hello.
9:20 Hi.
9:20 Is uh Phoebe here?
9:22 Uh no, no.
9:23 She's She's out for the night.
9:24 Oh, great.
9:26 Can I Can I help you with something?
9:29 >> >> Well, I don't know.
9:30 Are you a masseur?
9:32 Yes, I am.
9:43 >> >> Great.
9:43 Dad?
9:43 >> >> Thank you so much.
9:44 I'll be back to pick him up in an hour.
10:11 >> >> Okay.
10:11 Now, I'm going to touch you.
10:26 >> >> Oh, that's soft.
10:52 >> >> I'm telling you something's wrong.
10:54 My brother does not stay out all night.
10:56 Then we should check the trash chute.
11:00 >> >> Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute.
11:02 That's right.
11:03 He almost could.
11:05 Which is exactly how I got stuck there.
11:09 >> >> Hey, where the hell have you been?
11:13 Where the HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
11:16 >> >> JUST YOU KNOW, OUT.
11:17 OH, OUCH.
11:19 Oh god, I don't know why we didn't think to check there.
11:22 What were you doing?
11:24 I went to a bar,
11:25 and then I just just walked around for a while.
11:31 You walked around all night in the city by yourself.
11:36 He hooked up.
11:39 He hooked up with someone.
11:40 Look, I don't have to answer your questions, okay?
11:43 I'm a big boy.
11:44 I can do whatever I want.
11:45 He hooked up.
11:49 Tell us about her.
11:52 Ross, you left your SCARF IN THE >> >> HEY, YOU GUYS.
12:08 >> >> O- OKAY.
12:10 O- OKAY.
12:11 I know what you all are thinking, but Chandler is in Yemen.
12:16 I'm a young woman.
12:17 I have needs.
12:18 I can't wait forever.
12:20 Yeah, I know.
12:20 That's what I was thinking.
12:24 >> >> So, I'm asking you, please, just take a moment before you judge me.
12:28 Oh, nobody's judging you.
12:32 Okay, you.
12:34 Mr.
12:34 Right Place at the Right Time.
12:38 >> >> Call me.
12:48 >> >> Okay, look, I I know what you guys are going to say.
12:50 You two would have very hairy children.
12:55 >> >> Yeah, I didn't know you would say that.
12:58 >> >> Ross!
12:59 Janice!
13:00 All right, hold on.
13:00 Hold on.
13:01 Hold on.
13:02 This is Ross, okay?
13:04 He's our friend.
13:05 He obviously went crazy.
13:07 He obviously lost his mind.
13:09 I didn't lose my mind.
13:12 Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common.
13:14 We've We've both been divorced.
13:17 We We both have kids.
13:18 >> So, are you actually going to see her again?
13:20 Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head.
13:22 >> I am going to see her again.
13:24 >> Damn it, Phoebe.
13:27 I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
13:31 Corey?
13:31 Corey Weston?
13:34 Yeah.
13:34 You look amazing.
13:36 And you are?
13:37 Chandler.
13:37 Chandler Bing.
13:38 And I'm not gay.
13:38 I'm not gay at all.
13:41 You are married though.
13:43 Don't listen to him.
13:43 He's in a really bad mood.
13:50 >> >> I can't believe that Ross is gone.
13:52 It is just so sad.
13:53 I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
13:55 Oh, we weren't.
13:56 But we had one class together.
13:58 He was such a great guy.
14:00 And he talked so passionately about science.
14:03 I always remembered him.
14:05 I'm sure that would mean a lot to him.
14:07 And if heaven has a door,
14:09 I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.
14:15 >> >> I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out.
14:19 I guess I really missed my chance.
14:21 OH, YOU DIDN'T.
14:25 >> >> I'M STILL ALIVE.
14:28 >> >> COREY, I I know this is a big surprise for you.
14:31 It's a long story, but the things you just said really made my day.
14:35 I mean, the fact
14:36 that you are here means more to me than than
14:38 if this room were filled with people.
14:41 You sick freak.
14:42 Who does that?
14:44 I can't believe I had a crush on you.
14:51 Did you hear that?
14:53 Corey Weston had a crush on me.
14:56 Corey, I know it's our anniversary,
14:57 but I told you on the phone I don't have time to stop.
15:00 >> Okay, you don't have to stop.
15:02 I'm invisible.
15:03 I'm not here.
15:04 Yeah, but I don't Who approved that order?
15:09 Well, there is no Mark Robinson in this office.
15:12 Get me Mark on the phone.
15:13 Oh, I love Mark.
15:15 Do you know Mark?
15:16 Yeah.
15:17 Well, let me just check out what I got here.
15:19 All All so 038 is not the number for this store. 038 is the
15:23 plan Pepper?
15:32 None for me.
15:35 I'm sorry.
15:36 As I was saying, the store number is wrong and I'm sorry,
15:40 but that is OH MY GOD!
15:47 >> >> OKAY.
15:47 OH, YEAH.
15:48 OH, YEAH.
15:49 Excuse me, I'm sorry.
15:50 I'm going to have to call you back.
15:51 I've got Shemp in my office.
15:56 >> >> What are you doing?
15:57 I'm sorry, but hey, Paul, somebody's off the phone.
16:00 How about a glass of wine by the fire?
16:03 I get it going again if you I needed that car for transportation.
16:07 Okay?
16:08 I I have a child.
16:10 How hot do I look in this, huh?
16:14 Ross, a sports car?
16:16 Wouldn't it be cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
16:20 >> >> That's not what this is about, okay?
16:22 I I am a sports car enthusiast.
16:25 I've always been into cars.
16:27 Hey, what's the horsepower on this thing?
16:29 I don't know, but but look how shiny.
16:34 I can't believe you bought this.
16:36 So, can I have a ride, stud?
16:38 Hop in.
16:40 Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
17:08 Damn it.
17:12 Okay, who's next?
17:14 >> >> The Russian wants you.
17:16 She barely knows me.
17:17 We just live in the same building.
17:19 Any contact?
17:20 Uh she lent me an egg once.
17:22 You're in!
17:24 >> >> Oh, great.
17:26 Hi, Ross.
17:27 HI.
17:34 >> >> COME ON, ROSS.
17:34 YOU GOT TO GET BACK IN THE GAME HERE, OKAY?
17:36 The Rachel thing's not happening.
17:38 Your ex-wife's a lesbian.
17:42 >> >> I don't think we need a third.
17:44 Uh excuse me.
17:45 Can we get an egg over here, still in the shell?
17:47 Thanks.
17:47 An egg?
17:48 Yeah, you're going to go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back.
17:51 I'm returning your egg."
17:54 I think it's winning.
17:56 I don't know.
17:57 I think it's insane.
17:58 >> She'll love it.
18:00 Thank you.
18:01 Thank you.
18:02 Here.
18:06 Go with the egg, my friend.
18:10 Go.
18:10 Go.
18:11 Go.
18:11 Go.
18:11 Go.
18:11 Go.
18:11 Go.
18:15 Think it'll work?
18:15 >> No way.
18:15 It's suicide.
18:16 The man's got an egg.
18:17 Then why are we here?
18:18 >> Okay.
18:18 Okay.
18:19 Take a guess.
18:22 The hot chicks?
18:24 Okay.
18:24 Okay.
18:25 I was uh typing names into the library computer earlier, you know, you know,
18:29 for fun.
18:30 And I typed mine in and uh guess what came up?
18:33 My doctoral dissertation.
18:35 It's here.
18:36 Yeah, right.
18:36 It's right down here in the biggest library in the university.
18:39 Wow, that's actually pretty cool.
18:41 >> Yeah.
18:41 Oh, um there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Vajayna.
18:50 >> >> What is that?
18:52 Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey Decimal System.
19:01 >> >> I'm so sorry.
19:04 You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
19:08 Excuse me.
19:09 Hi, I'm a professor here.
19:11 Do you know the paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
19:16 Well, yes.
19:18 Uh just give me 5 minutes.
19:19 I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
19:25 No, no, no.
19:28 Can I speak to someone in charge, please?
19:34 >> >> How can I help you?
19:35 Hi, I was wondering, is it possible to increase security in the paleontology section?
19:41 See, I I wrote a book that's up there, and instead of reading it,
19:44 people are are Well, they're rolling around in front of it.
19:50 >> >> We are aware of the problem you're referring to.
19:58 But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed.
20:02 I I can't help you.
20:05 Well, fine.
20:06 Fine.
20:06 If if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the
20:10 written word,
20:11 then I'll go up there and defend it myself.
20:14 And don't you follow me.
20:21 Yes?
20:22 Yes?
20:22 How can I help you?
20:24 Uh we we're just looking around.
20:26 Oh, oh, you're you're fellow scholars.
20:28 What exactly were you looking for, hm?
20:31 Perhaps uh perhaps Dr.
20:34 Chester Stocks' Musings on the Smilodon Californicus?
20:41 >> >> Uh uh get out of here.
20:52 >> >> Are you meeting someone?
20:54 Or or are you just here to brush up on uh Merriam's views on
20:58 evolution,
20:59 hm?
21:00 Um actually, I find Merriam's views far too progressionist.
21:09 >> >> I find Miriam's views far too progressionist.
21:13 I'm sorry.
21:15 Who are you?
21:15 I'm a professor here.
21:17 Ross Geller.
21:19 Ross Geller?
21:19 Why do I know that name?
21:21 It's a Wait.
21:27 Did you write this?
21:34 Yes.
21:34 You're the person who checked out my book?
21:39 You know, you look nothing like I would have thought.
21:43 You're you're so young.
21:47 >> >> Well, I uh I skipped fourth grade.
21:59 >> >> I am very very sorry.
22:05 Phoebe, come here.
22:06 I want to show you something in the bathroom.
22:08 Ugh, Monica, grow up.
22:11 Phoebe, what do you got behind your back?
22:13 Nothing.
22:14 It's just just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
22:18 You don't want my opinion?
22:19 Not really.
22:21 >> >> Come on.
22:22 I'm I'm your older brother.
22:23 Ask me.
22:24 Oh, oh, okay, big brother.
22:25 Um which one of these do you think would make your little sister look
22:28 hotter so your best friend would want to do her?
22:37 >> >> The red one.
22:56 >> >> Guess who?
22:59 Department of Sanitation?
23:03 >> >> It's me.
23:04 Oh.
23:20 Oh.
23:21 OH.
23:22 >> >> WHAT?
23:26 OH, SHELL.
23:27 OH, NO.
23:28 OH.
23:28 OH.
23:38 OH.
23:38 OH.
23:38 OH.
23:38 OH.
23:38 OH.
23:38 GOD.
23:38 GOD.
23:38 GOD.
23:38 WHAT DID YOU DO?
23:41 WHAT DID IT'S MY ANSWER.
23:46 IT'S MITZI.
23:47 OH MY GOD, I'M I'M SO SORRY, SHELL.
23:49 I I I must have freaked out. >> god it's not Mitzi.
23:53 It's just a rat.
23:55 No.
23:56 No, you hang up.
23:58 You.
23:59 You.
24:00 You.
24:09 >> >> Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
24:15 Rachel.
24:15 >> >> I'll just call her back.
24:20 >> Okay.
24:20 I'm sorry, we got disconnected.
24:22 No, you hang up.
24:23 Okay, okay, okay, okay.
24:24 How did this happen to me?
24:24 How did this happen to me?
24:25 A week ago, 2 weeks ago, I was fine.
24:28 Ross was just Ross.
24:30 Just this guy.
24:31 Now all of a sudden he's >> >> Ross.
24:35 Oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
24:40 Sweetie, I wanted you to have him, too.
24:42 I know you did.
24:46 I'm just going to deal with it.
24:46 I'm just going to deal with it.
24:50 You know what?
24:50 Enough.
24:50 Enough talking.
24:51 I I have to get moving.
24:54 Hey, check out those two blondes over there.
24:58 They come with me.
24:59 Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
25:03 >> >> Come on, you don't have to do anything.
25:04 It'll just be easier if it's the two of us, like college.
25:07 Now, remember?
25:08 First, you break the ice with some kind of a joke
25:11 so they know you're the funny one,
25:12 then I swoop in with some interesting conversation
25:15 so they'll see that I'm the brilliant,
25:17 brooding, sexy one.
25:22 >> >> I thought I got to make the jokes.
25:26 Don't you have to be at work?
25:28 Oh, come on.
25:32 Uh hello.
25:33 Hi.
25:34 Uh my name's Chandler.
25:35 Uh this is my friend Ross right here.
25:37 Hi.
25:37 And uh we're wondering, you know, if you're up for it,
25:40 we only need six more people for a human pyramid.
25:45 Swoop.
25:46 Swoop.
25:50 >> >> Uh So, um I Oh, hey.
25:52 I I noticed you're reading the paper.
25:55 Uh another flood in Europe, huh?
25:59 Um here's a question.
26:03 >> >> Would you Would you rather drown or be burned alive?
26:09 >> >> I'm sorry.
26:11 We're just leaving.
26:12 Okay.
26:17 We still got it.
26:28 >> >> Hi.
26:29 I uh I couldn't help but notice but that's that's an unusual necklace.
26:34 You already hit on me an hour ago.
26:38 >> >> Right.
26:39 So, that's a firm no.
26:48 >> >> Can't believe this.
26:49 I just keep striking out.
26:51 I don't get either.
26:54 I mean, you're obviously desperate.
26:56 You're asking women how they want to be killed.
27:00 >> >> Well, this is great.
27:02 Rachel's going to keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants,
27:06 and I'm I'm going to die alone.
27:08 By drowning or Hey.
27:12 Hey.
27:14 What are you supposed to be?
27:15 Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik?
27:21 >> >> Well, I'm a potato or a spud, and these are my antenna.
27:29 So, Sputnik becomes >> >> Spudnik.
27:41 Spudnik.
27:41 Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
27:46 >> >> Hey, all right.
27:47 ROSS CAME AS DUTY.
27:51 NO, I'M I'M NOT DUTY.
27:53 NO, space duty.
27:58 Um by the way, what's the name of the girl you're dating?
28:01 Kristen Lang.
28:02 Bye.
28:06 >> >> Well, obviously only one of us can keep dating her.
28:09 Obviously.
28:11 So, how do we decide?
28:13 Well, now, let's let's look at this objectively.
28:17 I think I should date her.
28:21 Uh-huh.
28:21 Uh-huh.
28:23 Or or I'm the one who dates her.
28:27 That's interesting, but check this out.
28:29 I date her.
28:32 Yeah, yeah, I like that, but just to go in another direction >> Okay, okay.
28:35 This can go on for a while.
28:36 Yeah, well, we should order some food then.
28:38 >> No, Joey.
28:42 Look, why don't why don't we just let her decide, okay?
28:45 Hey, hey, We'll each go out with her one more time
28:48 and and we'll see who she likes best.
28:52 That sounds fair.
28:55 Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street.
28:58 Uh hey, wait a second now.
29:00 Look, we're going to have to set a spending limit on the date.
29:03 I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
29:05 Well, sorry.
29:06 That's what I do on dates.
29:10 All right.
29:10 Well, I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates.
29:20 >> >> So, let's decide on a spending limit.
29:27 >> Yeah.
29:27 Uh Mhm.
29:27 Uh a slice.
29:34 $6?
29:34 So, Joey, um you look familiar.
29:37 Are uh are you on TV or something?
29:40 Well, Joey doesn't like to talk about it,
29:42 but he's one of the stars of Days of Our Lives.
29:46 >> >> That's right.
29:47 That's right.
29:48 Don't you play a woman?
29:54 >> >> A woman in a man's body.
29:57 >> >> Much better.
30:00 So, you know, Ross, it's funny cuz you look familiar to me, too.
30:03 Have you ever been married?
30:08 >> >> Why, yes, yes, I have.
30:09 In fact, um just the other day Chris
30:12 and I were talking about how I've been married
30:14 and how I have a son.
30:16 Yeah, little Eric.
30:17 >> That's right.
30:18 Wait, no, Ben.
30:23 >> >> So, you've just been married the one time, then?
30:28 >> >> Well, um You've been married twice?
30:36 Yes.
30:36 And another time after that.
30:41 >> >> Boy, I'm getting Uh hey, Joey.
30:46 Have you ever been
30:46 so hungry on a date
30:47 that when the girl goes to the bathroom,
30:49 you eat some of her food?
30:54 >> >> You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
30:59 >> >> Yeah.
31:00 So, uh Ross, now why did that first marriage break up?
31:03 Hm?
31:05 >> >> Was it because the woman was straight or because she was a lesbian?
31:11 Do you two know each other?
31:14 >> No.
31:14 It just seems like Ross is the kind of guy who would marry a
31:17 woman on the verge of being a lesbian
31:19 and then push her over the edge.
31:25 Hey.
31:26 >> Hey.
31:26 Hey, Rach.
31:27 I uh got you a little present.
31:32 I'll open it.
31:35 >> >> It's a Slinky.
31:37 Remember?
31:38 Huh?
31:39 It walks downstairs, a loner and pairs.
31:41 Everyone knows it.
31:45 Just a big spring.
31:47 >> >> All right, you're still mad at me
31:49 because of the whole >> The horrible
31:50 and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?
31:53 How about from now on we just call it the unfortunate incident?
31:59 >> >> Hey, Gunther.
32:00 You got stairs in your place?
32:02 Yeah.
32:02 Yeah, go nuts.
32:03 There you go.
32:06 Hey, guys.
32:07 Hey.
32:07 Hey.
32:09 What's in the bag?
32:11 Hm?
32:11 Just some presents.
32:13 Come on, show us what you bought.
32:15 You know you want to.
32:22 Okay.
32:22 Okay, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents.
32:26 >> Aw.
32:26 Cute.
32:27 I got some uh hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol.
32:34 And uh I got this blouse for Mom.
32:37 Ross, that is gorgeous.
32:39 >> Yeah?
32:39 Look at these authentic fake medals.
32:42 I tell you, Mom's going to be voted best dressed at the Make-Believe Military
32:49 Academy.
32:49 Do you not want to be seen with me?
32:51 What?
32:51 No, of co- of course I do.
32:53 Are they Are they gone?
32:55 >> >> Uh, no, they're still here, but I think I'm about to leave.
32:58 What?
32:59 No, no, wait.
33:02 What?
33:02 You're right, this is stupid.
33:04 Who cares what people think?
33:05 I mean, we we like each other, right?
33:07 There's nothing wrong with that.
33:10 Come on.
33:16 Burt, Lydia, Mel, >> >> this is Elizabeth.
33:22 Hi.
33:22 Aren't you in my popular culture class?
33:25 >> That's right, Lydia.
33:26 Elizabeth here is a student, and uh, we're dating.
33:30 And you may frown upon that, but we're not going to hide it anymore.
33:37 >> >> You are so fired.
33:41 >> >> What?
33:42 They're going to fire you.
33:43 You can't date a student.
33:44 It's against the rules.
33:45 Really?
33:46 It's not just frowned upon?
33:48 May I help you?
33:50 Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's.
33:52 Oh, right.
33:52 Uh, Don?
33:54 Close, Ron.
33:59 >> >> Uh, what can I do for you?
34:00 Um, well, I'm here to see if if uh,
34:02 you'll give Rachel her job back.
34:05 Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this?
34:08 Oh, no.
34:08 I first have to get you to agree,
34:10 then we'll see if she wants to come back.
34:14 >> >> Wow, that is tempting.
34:16 Look, she loved her job here.
34:19 Let's face it, you're not going to find anyone who did it
34:21 as well as she did.
34:22 Isn't that true?
34:24 She is good.
34:26 Ah, I took a shot there.
34:29 >> >> Is this your son?
34:30 Yeah, his name is Ross.
34:37 >> >> What?
34:37 Uh nothing.
34:38 It's just it's uh it's close to Ron.
34:41 I have messages for room 226.
34:45 You okay, Chandler?
34:46 Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
34:47 I'm fine.
35:01 >> >> What is with you tonight?
35:03 >> Nothing.
35:04 Nothing, nothing, nothing.
35:06 Okay, thank you.
35:11 It's the Italian hand licker, isn't it?
35:14 No, it's the one he's licking.
35:18 >> >> She's supposed to be with you.
35:20 You're good.
35:22 Oh, Ross, listen to me.
35:23 I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and you know why?
35:28 >> >> The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
35:33 No, because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.
35:38 Believe me, I cannot sell a Paulo.
35:40 People will not turn 325 pages for a Paulo.
35:43 Come on, the guy's a secondary character.
35:45 He's just uh you know, a complication you eventually kill off.
35:55 When?
35:55 He's not a hero.
35:58 You know who our hero is?
36:00 The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
36:03 >> >> No, it's you.
36:05 Please.
36:06 No, really.
36:06 Come on, you're smart, you're sexy.
36:11 >> Right.
36:11 Get up.
36:12 You're going to be fine, believe me.
36:34 Uh-oh.
36:34 >> Uh, I'll just pee in the street.
36:36 >> >> Okay.
36:37 Okay, here's a good one of us.
36:38 Wow, that is a good one.
36:41 Wow, it looks like a like a holiday card, you know,
36:43 with the tree in the middle and the the skaters and the snow.
36:47 You know, every year I say I'm going to send out holiday cards
36:49 and I never do it.
36:50 Do you want to Do you want to send this one out together?
36:57 >> >> Together?
36:58 Like to to people?
37:01 Yeah, you know, happy holidays from Mona and Ross.
37:03 It'll be cute, okay?
37:07 Okay.
37:07 >> >> Oh, I got to get to work.
37:09 So, call me later?
37:09 >> Oh, sure.
37:10 Sure.
37:10 Bye, guys.
37:15 >> Bye.
37:15 Congratulations, you just got married.
37:19 And oh, can you believe that?
37:21 Wait, I'm I'm sorry.
37:22 What's the big deal about a holiday card?
37:24 >> Married couples send out cards, families send out cards,
37:28 people who've been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards.
37:31 What What are you crazy?
37:33 >> Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's your wife you're talking about.
37:38 >> >> All right, I guess we should go.
37:39 No, wait.
37:39 Wait.
37:40 Oh, yeah, right.
37:42 No, Monica.
37:44 Monica, we have to fix this.
37:46 There's nothing we can do.
37:47 You erased the message.
37:49 Yeah, unless we tell him.
37:50 Look, if you're going to be totally rational about this,
37:52 I can't argue with you.
37:54 All right?
37:56 >> >> Fine, if you want to tell him, tell him.
37:57 I I just I don't want to be a part of it.
38:00 Uh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.
38:06 Hey, Ross, it's you.
38:08 I just want you to remember this feeling.
38:11 You are lucky to be alive.
38:13 So, live every day to the fullest.
38:17 Love yourself, okay?
38:20 Okay.
38:20 Oh, yeah, and also get stamps.
38:22 Bye.
38:25 Wow, play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away.
38:28 Hey guys.
38:29 Hey.
38:30 What's up?
38:34 You know, Oh my god.
38:38 What happened to your teeth?
38:40 I whitened them.
38:46 >> >> Really?
38:46 Well, what what do you think?
38:47 Well, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
38:51 >> >> Come on, seriously.
38:55 They're really, really, really white.
38:57 Yeah, what was wrong with your old human teeth?
39:02 I I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
39:06 How much longer?
39:07 Uh a day.
39:10 Plus, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary.
39:13 I know, that's why I did it.
39:14 Come on, are they really that bad?
39:18 >> >> No.
39:19 No, no, no.
39:19 You'll you'll be fine.
39:20 Hillary's blind, right?
39:23 She will be after tonight.
39:27 >> >> Oh hey, hey Rach, uh do you notice anything >> Yeah, your teeth, yes,
39:31 I saw them from outside.
39:36 Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white.
39:45 >> >> Nope.
39:45 No.
39:46 Okay, so uh colors that don't work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white,
39:50 orange, and purple.
39:54 >> >> I don't know what I'm going to do.
39:55 The date starts in like an hour.
39:58 Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter, your teeth wouldn't look so bright.
40:03 Oh great, so all I need to do is get some new skin.
40:05 Thank you.
40:07 >> >> Just putting a little bit of makeup on you.
40:11 >> Whoa, whoa, whoa.
40:12 We're not 13 anymore.
40:17 >> >> Ross, this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.
40:19 But won't she notice I have makeup on?
40:21 Please, half the guys out there have makeup on.
40:24 What?
40:26 And half the people, I mean, would you just try it and see?
40:29 No, I am not putting on makeup.
40:33 Well, okay.
40:34 Ross, could you put up some of these FLYERS FOR ME?
40:37 NO, DAMON!
40:38 DAMON!
40:46 AND AFTER THAT, WHAT COULD I DO EXCEPT become a chef?
40:49 Mhm.
40:50 And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
40:53 Mhm.
40:56 >> >> You know, you're a really great listener.
40:58 Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
41:04 >> Mhm.
41:04 >> >> After a while, it's just like, shut your mouth, you know?
41:10 >> >> I've probably been talking too much.
41:11 Why don't we talk about you a little bit?
41:16 >> Mhm.
41:16 Come on, I want to know.
41:21 Okay.
41:22 I am I'm from Long Island.
41:24 I I came to the city for college.
41:27 Um I I have a a 5-year-old son
41:30 and I In my spare time,
41:32 I I like to read spy novels.
41:33 But but let's talk more about you.
41:40 >> >> I've had a really good time tonight.
41:41 >> Mhm.
41:42 You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.
41:48 Mhm.
41:48 >> >> Mhm.
41:48 Me, neither.
41:51 I I've had a really good time, too, you know.
41:56 Are you going to eat that bread?
41:59 Oh, I I just like the smell.
42:05 >> >> Mhm.
42:05 You make me laugh.
42:09 >> Mhm.
42:09 Would you like to move over to the couch?
42:11 Mhm.
42:17 Maybe I'll just turn down the lights a little.
42:20 How about all the way?
42:31 Okay.
42:31 Wow, cool poster.
42:33 Or should I say groovy poster?
42:38 So, uh Where were we?
42:47 >> >> Are those your teeth?
42:49 Oh, yeah.
42:52 >> >> You You can see them, huh?
42:54 Yes, they're insanely white.
42:57 >> Yeah, I I did that for you.
43:02 What's the matter with you?
43:04 >> >> What's the matter with me?
43:05 YOU'VE GOT A BLACK LIGHT.
43:06 It's 1999.
43:10 And it was Earn Small Brad who first hypothesized that the velociraptor, when threatened,
43:15 would expand its collar
43:17 and emit a high-pitched noise to frighten off its predator.
43:21 Yes, Mr.
43:22 Lewis?
43:23 What kind of noise?
43:26 Just a high-pitched intimidating noise.
43:30 But like how?
43:32 >> >> Well, we we don't know for sure.
43:36 But in my head it it sounded something like this.
43:54 >> >> Of course, this is just conjecture.
43:57 Hi.
43:57 >> Hey.
43:57 Hey.
43:58 I brought the camera for Emma's video.
44:00 >> Oh, good.
44:00 Good.
44:01 We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma,
44:03 and we'll give it to her when she's 18.
44:05 >> Oh, cool.
44:06 Wow, it's like a time capsule.
44:09 >> Yeah.
44:09 Oh, just think.
44:10 She's going to be watching
44:11 that video on a TV
44:12 that hasn't even been invented yet.
44:15 With friends who right now are just like babies.
44:20 And they'll be living in a in a floating city
44:22 that the humans built to escape the ant people.
44:28 That's the hope.
44:31 >> >> So, is Emma awake yet?
44:33 Oh, no, it's still naptime, but she'll be up soon.
44:35 Uh where's Joey?
44:36 I said it's still naptime.
44:40 Oh, hey, there's Uncle Joey.
44:43 >> Hey.
44:43 Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday. 18, huh?
44:49 Uh Joey, no.
44:51 What?
44:52 What?
44:52 It's for her hot friends.
44:55 >> >> When they see this, you'll be 52 >> and starting to think about SETTLING DOWN.
45:04 HI.
45:04 HEY.
45:04 I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
45:05 I CAN'T believe Emma's already one.
45:07 I remember your first birthday.
45:09 Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you.
45:13 He pulled on his testicles
45:14 so hard we had to take him to the emergency room.
45:22 >> >> There's something you didn't know about your dad.
45:26 I love you forever.
45:28 I'll like you for always.
45:31 As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
45:41 Wow.
45:41 That was amazing.
45:43 Thank you so much for that gift.
45:46 >> >> I was not ready for this today.
45:51 Emma, your name poses a dilemma cuz not much else rhymes with Emma.
45:56 Maybe the actor Richard Crenna.
45:57 He played the commanding officer in Rambo.
46:00 Happy birthday, Emma.
46:09 >> >> Is that it?
46:11 No, of course not.
46:14 No, I I have also, you know, prepared a reading.
46:19 >> >> Sex and the single mother.
46:24 >> >> Finding your G spot.
46:29 Hello, Emma.
46:30 Happy 18th birthday.
46:32 >> Right now, that seems so far away. 17 years.
46:35 Yes.
46:36 You'll be all grown up by then, and we'll be >> >> Well,
46:41 your grandfather and I might not be here.
46:43 That's true.
46:44 This message could be coming to you from beyond the grave, Emma.
46:48 After all, my parents died very young.
46:51 >> And my cholesterol's off the charts.
46:56 >> >> Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women, too.
47:01 >> Okay.
47:01 Great.
47:01 Great.
47:02 That was That was just Yeah.
47:04 Okay.
47:05 Well, you know what?
47:06 While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th
47:09 birthday.
47:11 Huh?
47:11 Okay.
47:12 Hi, Emma.
47:13 It's the year 2020.
47:15 Are you still enjoying your nap?
47:20 >> >> We're Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler, by the way.
47:23 You may not recognize us
47:24 because we haven't spoken to your parents in 17 years.
47:28 We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together,
47:31 and things kind of unraveled.
47:33 Because of you.
47:34 I'm not saying it was a bad movie.
47:36 I'm just saying, you know, it was a little hard to follow.
47:40 I told you there were going to be subtitles.
47:43 I know.
47:45 I just didn't want to wear my glasses on our first date.
48:02 >> Oh.
48:02 Monica?
48:02 >> >> It would really help
48:02 when I'm kissing if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
48:07 >> >> Yeah, just checking.
48:08 Oh.
48:09 Monica?
48:10 What?
48:11 Monica?
48:11 What?
48:12 Monica?
48:45 >> >> I'm sorry.
48:46 Oh god, I'm sorry.
48:47 It's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt,
48:49 it was like, "Whoa, Ross's hands are on my butt."
48:53 >> >> I'M SORRY.
48:54 AND THAT'S that's funny, why?
48:58 >> >> Well, it's not.
49:00 I mean, I'm sorry.
49:01 I guess I'm just nervous.
49:02 I mean, it's you.
49:05 You know, it's us.
49:06 I mean, we're crossing that line.
49:09 Sort of a big thing.
49:10 Well, I I know it's big.
49:11 I just didn't know it was uh ha-ha big.
49:26 Okay.
49:26 >> >> Okay, my hands were nowhere near your butt.
49:30 I know.
49:30 I know.
49:30 I know.
49:31 I KNOW.
49:31 I WAS JUST THINKING about when they were there the last time.
49:33 I'm sorry.
49:34 >> >> I'm sorry.
49:35 I'm sorry.
49:35 Okay.
49:35 Okay, look.
49:36 Whoa.
49:36 I promise.
49:37 I'm good.
49:37 I'm not going to laugh anymore.
49:39 I I Okay, put your hands back.
49:40 >> No, see, now now I can't because uh I'm feeling too self-conscious.
49:45 Just one cheek.
49:48 The moment's gone.
49:49 Yeah.
49:49 All right.
49:49 Well, just put your hands out and I'll back up into it.
49:51 >> That's romantic.
49:52 >> >> Come on, touch it.
49:53 No.
49:54 Oh, come on, squeeze it.
49:55 >> No.
49:56 Rub it?
49:56 Oh, no. >> on, would you just grab my ass?
49:59 What you got over there, tacos?
50:00 No.
50:01 No.
50:02 They're um They're just uh they're they're ground beef smileys.
50:08 Uh those are tacos.
50:11 Excuse me, Mr.
50:14 Mexico.
50:14 >> >> Uh either way, I'll pass.
50:16 Still can't eat those.
50:26 >> >> What's so funny?
50:33 >> >> No laughing?
50:43 >> >> You told her.
50:46 Nancy Thompson's getting fired.
50:51 Okay, okay.
50:52 I have food poisoning.
50:54 It's not like I chose to do it.
50:56 It's not like It's not like I said, "Huh,
50:57 what would make this ride more fun?"
51:01 >> >> You're right.
51:01 You're right.
51:01 I'm sorry.
51:03 Yeah, I shouldn't be laughing.
51:05 I should be laying down papers for you.
51:10 >> >> How could you tell her?
51:11 I had to, okay?
51:12 We're getting married.
51:13 Married couples can't keep secrets from one another.
51:16 Oh, really?
51:16 Well, I I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
51:19 Dude!
51:22 >> >> What happened in Atlantic City?
51:23 Well, Chandler and I are in a bar.
51:25 Did you not hear me say, "Dude!"
51:28 And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay?
51:31 So, after a while,
51:32 he he goes over to her and uh after a minute or two,
51:35 I see them kissing.
51:37 Now, I know what you're thinking.
51:38 Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars
51:40 and makes out with girls,
51:41 and you're right.
51:42 Chandler is not the type of guy who just goes to bars
51:45 and makes out with girls.
51:49 >> >> YOU KISSED A GUY?
51:54 YOU WANT TO TELL SECRETS?
51:55 OKAY.
51:55 OKAY.
51:56 In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.
52:00 >> >> All right.
52:01 All right.
52:02 Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won.
52:08 >> >> Ross came in FOURTH AND CRIED.
52:13 >> >> OH, IS THAT FUNNY?
52:14 OH, you you find that funny?
52:15 Well, maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets, too.
52:19 I already told him everything.
52:21 YOU SHUSH.
52:23 >> >> ONCE MONICA WAS SENT TO A ROOM without dinner,
52:26 so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry BOX SHE'D MADE.
52:32 ROSS USED TO STAY HOME EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT TO WATCH GOLDEN GIRLS.
52:38 >> >> MONICA COULDN'T TELL TIME UNTIL SHE WAS 13.
52:43 >> >> IT'S HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE.
52:46 OF COURSE it is.
52:50 >> >> Chandler, one time I wore my UNDERWEAR TO WORK.
52:55 >> HEY.
52:55 I'M SORRY.
52:55 I COULDN'T THINK OF ANY MORE FOR ROSS.
52:58 In college, CHANDLER GOT DRUNK AND SLEPT WITH A lady who CLEANED OUR DORM.
53:04 >> >> THAT WAS YOU.
53:08 WHATEVER, DUDE.
53:09 YOU KISSED a guy.
53:12 Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind of a problem.
53:15 See, I uh I had to kiss this guy
53:19 because he was just
53:19 so darn cute.
53:22 No, as part of the audition.
53:23 See, I'm up for the part of this guy who the main guy kisses.
53:26 Well, hey.
53:27 You're an actor.
53:28 I say you uh you just suck it up and you do it.
53:34 Right.
53:34 You know, maybe you're just not used to kissing men.
53:36 You know, maybe you just tensed up a little bit.
53:39 Maybe that's what you need to work on.
53:41 Yeah, that makes sense.
53:48 >> >> Over my dead body.
53:53 >> >> And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
53:57 All right.
53:59 I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this
54:00 because I want to be a good friend.
54:02 And damn it, I am a good friend.
54:03 So, just just shut up and close your eyes.
54:05 Oh.
54:10 Ha ha.
54:12 You are a good friend.
54:14 Plus, the audition was this morning and I didn't get it.
54:19 But, that was a hell of a kiss.
54:21 Rachel is a very lucky girl.
54:23 Hey, how the interview go?
54:26 Not good.
54:27 You know, I always feel that way after an interview.
54:29 I'll bet it went better than you think.
54:32 Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci
54:34 and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
54:36 That is bad interview.
54:39 >> >> What are you What are you talking about?
54:41 How'd this happen?
54:42 >> Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my
54:45 interview and he heard everything.
54:47 So, later he calls me to his office
54:49 and he tells me
54:49 that he's going to have to let me go
54:51 because I'm not a team player.
54:53 And I say, "Wait a minute.
54:54 No, yes, I am."
54:55 And then I had to sit there for 45 minutes
54:58 while he proved that
54:59 that,
54:59 in fact, was true.
55:04 >> >> Oh god, I'm so sorry.
55:09 Hey.
55:09 What Whoa.
55:10 What What's this?
55:12 Wait, it's It's a bottle of champagne.
55:14 Oh, why is this here?
55:16 Ross.
55:16 I guess it's here because I got tenure.
55:21 Congratulations.
55:21 This is the single greatest day of my professional career.
55:25 Gunther, six classes.
55:27 Six?
55:27 You want me to join you?
55:29 Oh, I thought Joey was here.
55:30 Five is good.
55:35 >> >> I'm going to have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
55:38 >> >> Ooh, Israeli champagne.
55:42 And it's vanilla.
55:44 >> >> I got tenure.
55:45 I didn't win the lottery.
55:48 Hey Rach, so how did your thing go?
55:50 >> Oh, it's good.
55:51 Yeah, but I'm not going to hear about that for a couple of days.
55:54 >> Oh, you know what?
55:54 You're going to get it.
55:55 I I I I can feel it.
55:57 >> Can you?
55:59 >> >> All right, everybody, here's to Ross.
56:01 And and to years of hard work finally paying off.
56:06 And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything.
56:10 But also knowing it means a lot.
56:15 But more importantly to full, well-rounded lives.
56:18 >> That center around work.
56:20 To us.
56:26 >> >> You know what the best part about this is?
56:28 I can never be fired.
56:30 No, seriously.
56:31 I have job security for life.
56:34 You know, I mean, I never have to worry.
56:35 Oh, oh, look at you.
56:37 Look how happy you are for me.
56:42 >> >> No, it's not that.
56:44 I got fired today and I didn't get the other job.
56:51 Rach, I'm so sorry.
56:55 >> Oh, Great, I feel like an idiot.
56:56 >> No, it's okay.
56:57 You didn't know.
57:00 >> Oh, little heads-up would have been nice.
57:02 Friends, Emily, we gather to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross
57:09 and Emily.
57:11 May the happiness we share with them today be with them always.
57:15 Now, Emily, repeat after me.
57:17 I, Emily, I, Emily, take thee, Ross, take thee, Ross,
57:22 as my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health,
57:25 till death do us part. as my lawfully wedded husband,
57:29 in in and in health, until death parts us.
57:35 Now Ross, repeat after me.
57:39 I Ross, I Ross, take thee Emily, take thee Rachel.
57:50 >> >> Emily.
58:06 >> >> Emily.
58:06 Um shall I go on?
