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Fighting Workaholism: You Are Not a Success Machine
Fighting Workaholism: You Are Not a Success Machine
Harvard Business Review
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6:36 · Sep 10, 2024
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SUBJECT:
As
a
social
scientist,
I'm
intensely
interested
in
addictive
behaviors.
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0:05
SUBJECT: As a social scientist, I'm intensely interested in addictive behaviors.
0:10
A lot of people watching this video right now,
0:11
they're watching it because they want an edge, and that's great.
0:14
I admire that.
0:15
You're strivers.
0:17
So am I.
0:17
But strivers in the striving process,
0:19
they open themselves up to one of the most deleterious,
0:22
addictive behaviors known to mankind, and that's workaholism.
0:27
People will work hard.
0:29
It will create dysfunction in their relationships.
0:31
They will exhibit hiding behavior, where they're sneaking around.
0:35
You don't believe it?
0:36
Well, ask yourself, do you sometimes sneak into the bathroom to check your email,
0:40
your work email?
0:42
Do you snap shut your laptop computer on a Sunday afternoon
0:45
when your partner comes home?
0:47
Yeah, yeah, well, you're doing it, too.
0:49
People get defensive when people question how much they're working.
0:52
Well, that's classic addictive behavior.
0:54
Now, I have found in my own work
0:55
that workaholism actually isn't the primary addiction.
0:59
It's a secondary addiction.
1:01
The primary addiction for most drivers is an addiction to success.
1:05
Success is achieving something of merit and being rewarded for it.
1:09
Many strivers, many of my students, me-- look,
1:13
I'm guilty here-- we feel fully alive when amazing things are happening,
1:19
and we're able to create value.
1:20
And we don't feel fully alive when we're not doing those things, quite frankly.
1:23
It's a real reward to see something come to fruition, to get that deal,
1:28
to finish that book, in my case,
1:31
to teach a class that goes incredibly well, to get that compliment.
1:34
A lot of that success addiction behavior is neurophysiological, as a matter of fact.
1:40
You find that people actually get dopamine in a way-- that's a neuromodulator that's
1:44
implicated in all forms of human addiction--
1:47
that they get dopamine,
1:49
specifically, when they feel that they're succeeding at work.
1:51
While they keep seeking those rewards, they keep seeking success.
1:54
And seeking success is hard.
1:57
You have to excel, and you have to excel compared to other people.
2:01
And that means you need to outwork other people.
2:04
And that leads to the work addiction.
2:06
So the underlying problem is success addiction.
2:08
Behind that, there's actually something even more profound,
2:10
which is a tendency to reduce yourself to nothing more than a success machine.
2:17
That's a problem.
2:18
That's a moral problem, as a matter of fact.
2:20
You're more than a success machine.
2:22
You're not a robot.
2:24
Neither am I.
2:25
But when you see yourself as the most excellent person, so very special,
2:29
you've objectified yourself.
2:30
You've taken away a big piece of your humanity.
2:34
Here's basically how I sum this up.
2:36
If you're exhibiting workaholic behavior, you need to deal with it.
2:39
But then the next question is, OK, how do stop.
2:41
How do I stop?
2:42
Is there a 12 step program?
2:44
Is there some detox center that I can get into?
2:48
And the answer is no,
2:49
although a lot of people do need to seek help from mental health professionals
2:52
for this.
2:53
The answer to this is to actually build your team on the people who
2:57
are going to give you the opportunities to do things
2:59
that are actually more satisfying than
3:01
that.
3:02
You need to actually take the people that you love the most,
3:04
and that perhaps you've been neglecting, and ask them,
3:08
what do you think I should do.
3:10
What do you actually think I should do instead of that?
3:15
For workaholics, the primary relationship, love relationship in their life, is with work.
3:22
That's not a good love relationship because work can't really love you back.
3:26
Work takes.
3:27
Work doesn't give.
3:29
That means usually, you need to cultivate the relationships with the people
3:32
that really can love you back.
3:33
Who are these people?
3:35
Well, I recommend that people actually start to develop a serious spiritual life,
3:39
a serious spiritual practice.
3:40
Whether it's a religious experience or not, that depends on different people.
3:44
Maybe that means reading the wisdom literature, getting in touch with the stoic philosophers,
3:50
studying the works of Johann Sebastian Bach, I don't know,
3:53
going back to the faith of your youth,
3:55
but something that gives you a relationship with the divine.
3:58
People who are married is doubling
4:00
and tripling down on the metaphysical beauty
4:04
that actually can and should be your marital relationship.
4:07
That might be the first time in years you've actually been able to work
4:10
on that.
4:11
With your children, that was a big one for me.
4:14
I'm telling you.
4:15
I can't tell you the number of times
4:16
that I spent that 14th hour in the office instead of my first hour
4:20
with my kids when they were little.
4:22
Why?
4:22
Because I had to be special instead of happy.
4:26
Right?
4:26
Workaholic special, that's for sure.
4:28
And they got revenge.
4:29
You know what they did?
4:30
They grew up, and I wasn't there for a lot of it.
4:30
Well, now, now it's not going to be that way.
4:30
I have deeper friendships than I ever had before,
4:30
and I recommend that people actually start to develop these real friendships.
4:30
The problem that CEOs have is they have lots of deal friends,
4:30
but not many real friends.
4:30
Deal and real.
4:31
You know the difference.
4:31
Deal friends are incredibly useful.
4:31
Real friends are useless.
4:31
They're just people who love you.
4:31
Cultivating those friendships can be the most exciting adventure
4:31
that you've had in a really,
4:31
really long time.
4:31
The bottom line is basically this.
4:31
What substitutes for work?
4:31
The answer is love with humans.
4:31
That's what it comes down to because happiness is love.
4:31
Full stop.
4:31
OK, how?
4:31
Give me the algorithm, man.
4:31
And I get it.
4:31
I want that, too.
4:31
And so I do have a lot of rules of thumb that I suggest.
4:31
Real friendship has to extend beyond your spouse, for example.
4:31
So real friends are people that you just love.
4:31
You don't need anything from them, and they don't need anything from you.
4:31
You really are not going to be getting the benefit
4:31
that you need from your relationships
4:31
if your only real friend is your spouse.
4:31
And that's typically the case with a lot of strivers.
4:31
So making real friendship, what we call companionate love with a spouse,
4:31
is critically important.
4:31
But you need at least one more, at least one more person.
4:31
And so working on that is critically important.
4:31
Only one more might be the right number for introverts.
4:31
Extroverts, on the other hand, need more friends than that.
4:31
Start with your spouse if you're married.
4:31
Then move on to one, or two,
4:31
or three people with whom you can make a real connection,
4:31
and start investing in that relationship.
4:31
And that means if that person lives in Atlanta, get on the plane, man.
4:31
Get on the plane.
4:31
Say, let's go do something for half a day.
4:31
What do you say?
4:31
And they'll be like, you're coming here to do that to see me.
4:31
And you're like, yep, it'll be super fun.
4:31
I'd guarantee that you actually do that.
4:31
But that's where the investment starts,
4:31
and those are the numbers that we're trying to talk about.
4:31
And anybody can do that.
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