0:00 Getting stuck in a cycle of negative self-esteem is like trying to balance a
0:03 bicycle when you're not moving.
0:05 Maybe you beat yourself up over every little thing you say,
0:08 or that sneaky inner critic keeps telling you how stupid and worthless you are.
0:12 Maybe you're like desperately seeking approval from other people.
0:16 Or you're trying to people please or never mess up.
0:19 Maybe you've tried affirmations and they just don't seem to help much.
0:24 Today, I'm going to teach you six practices to rebuild your sense of self-worth.
0:29 Now, half of these tips will help you improve your self-talk
0:32 and repair how you see yourself.
0:34 For the other three,
0:34 you have to take a hard look at yourself
0:37 and build integrity to your purpose
0:39 and meaning.
0:40 Now these three practices are where I see the biggest impact.
0:44 And number five is where I see people really light up.
0:47 So we're going to challenge negativity bias.
0:49 We're going to replace seeking outside approval by instead fueling your deep inner sense
0:53 of purpose and momentum.
0:57 Let's go.
1:06 Okay.
1:06 Deep and lasting self-esteem doesn't come from saying nice things to ourselves.
1:10 It comes from doing things
1:12 that are esteemable and seeing ourselves clearly
1:15 when we do.
1:16 It comes when you keep the promises that you make to yourself.
1:19 When you come to trust
1:20 that your life has a purpose
1:21 and you take courageous
1:22 and intentional action toward being
1:24 that person.
1:25 Just like how it's hard to balance a bicycle when you're not moving forward,
1:28 it's impossible to love
1:30 or even like yourself
1:31 when you aren't living with purpose
1:33 and direction.
1:33 So, first off, can you visualize what it would look like
1:38 when you feel sure
1:40 that you are a valuable human
1:43 and your life path is lining up with your mission?
1:46 You might think that you can't,
1:48 but let me show you this is one of the most powerful ways to
1:51 improve your self-esteem,
1:52 and it's to get clear on what you want your life to be about.
1:56 If you value kindness, but you constantly yell at your husband,
1:59 then no amount of positive self-talk is going to restore your self-esteem.
2:03 If you value kindness and you work hard to learn better ways to communicate,
2:07 and you start to see that relationship grow stronger and closer,
2:10 then you're naturally going to start to like yourself more.
2:13 Deep lasting self-esteem comes from purpose and integrity more than positive affirmations.
2:19 So the first step to building
2:20 that deep sense of self-trust is to clarify your values.
2:23 What kind of a person do you want to be?
2:26 What do you really care about?
2:28 Is it kindness?
2:28 Is it connection?
2:30 Is it music?
2:31 Is it self-improvement or charity or learning?
2:33 When your time comes to die
2:35 and you look back with satisfaction on your life,
2:39 how will you have spent it?
2:41 Now, if you don't know what you want your life to be about,
2:43 then you can't align yourself with it.
2:45 It's like riding your bike, but you have no direction.
2:48 But I just wanted to ask you which way I ought to go.
2:51 Well, that depends on where you want to get to.
2:57 Oh, it really doesn't matter as long as I....
2:59 Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.
3:05 But when you have direction and purpose and you start moving forward,
3:07 it feels easier to balance.
3:09 For me, I value adding light and love to the world.
3:12 I value education and self-improvement, loving and serving others,
3:15 and challenging myself to improve.
3:17 Now, the awesome thing about values
3:19 and bicycles is they don't have to be at their destination to be balanced.
3:24 They just need to be moving forward.
3:26 Values are a direction.
3:27 They're something we're working on in the present moment,
3:29 and they're not something we have to achieve.
3:31 But when you know the direction you want to go,
3:34 and you start moving toward it, you won't feel so shaky and insecure.
3:38 Now, defining your life direction might feel a little bit overwhelming.
3:41 I get that.
3:42 But I've got you.
3:42 Right?
3:43 On my website, I have a free simple values clarification exercise,
3:48 which will take like 10 or 20 minutes of your time.
3:50 And when you've identified and written your values,
3:53 you can also give them more power by creating a vision board.
3:56 And then just spend a couple minutes each day visualizing your life with these
4:00 values.
4:01 And when you do this, you'll find that as you go out and live,
4:04 you'll know what to do to make them a reality.
4:07 Okay.
4:07 Now, you might start feeling really bad about yourself here.
4:10 You might think like, oh, I value good relationships, but I'm really lonely,
4:14 or I keep messing them up, or I value hard work,
4:17 but I can't get a job.
4:19 If we want to build a life full of integrity and purpose and meaning,
4:23 we've got to constantly redirect our attention away from our regrets and ask,
4:28 "What's one small action I can take in the right direction today?"
4:31 We've got to shift our attention to our valued action.
4:34 I'm gonna learn a new job skill or I'm gonna text a friend.
4:38 Taking that action gets us moving and it helps us like ourselves more.
4:42 You have to shift your regrets into action.
4:45 Okay.
4:45 So, the foundation of healthy self-esteem is integrity to your values.
4:48 But one thing I see with people who are trying hard
4:51 but still feel terrible about themselves is
4:53 that they fuel low self-esteem with a bad habit of self-criticism.
4:57 And this is a habit most people don't even realize they're doing it.
5:01 They might say stuff like, "I'm so stupid.
5:03 I'm such an idiot.
5:03 I'm such a screw-up.
5:04 I'm too sensitive.
5:05 I'm so fat and ugly.
5:06 I ruin everything in relationships."
5:09 The constant name-calling is going to knock you off your course.
5:12 So, it's time for a new rule, new habit.
5:15 So, this is number two.
5:17 Personal name-calling and putdowns are not allowed.
5:20 You've got to replace name-calling with a growth mindset.
5:23 So, instead of saying, "I'm so stupid," say, "Hm, I'm still learning."
5:27 Or, "I haven't figured this out yet, but I'll keep trying."
5:31 We got to replace like perfectionism with compassion.
5:33 So instead of saying like, "I should have never made that mistake.
5:35 It was so stupid."
5:36 That gets replaced with, "Making a mistake is human.
5:39 I'm going to learn from this and try again."
5:41 So to make this exercise more powerful,
5:44 I want you to write down the names you call yourself
5:47 and then write down the helpful lines you'll replace them with
5:51 so that you're ready
5:51 when you need them.
5:52 When you have your list of negative names,
5:55 you can even ask a therapist
5:56 or a friend or even AI to help you write out these replacement phrases
6:02 because a lot of times we have a hard time coming up with them
6:05 when our brain's been stuck in a rut of self-criticism for a long time.
6:08 And then you could also like take a screenshot of them
6:11 or take a picture of them
6:12 and put them on your lock screen on your phone.
6:14 Don't put your negative list there.
6:15 You don't want to reinforce that.
6:16 So I'm such an idiot becomes I'm still learning.
6:20 Instead of I'm such a loser,
6:21 use "I'm gonna work hard and do my best.
6:23 Good things will come."
6:24 This will feel awkward at first.
6:26 It might feel fake
6:27 or pandering because you're not used to your new self-talk.
6:30 But we are doing mental reps here.
6:32 It's like swinging a golf club for the first time.
6:35 Like I have no idea how to play golf.
6:37 But it takes practice to replace bad habits with new mental muscle memory.
6:43 Okay, here's the second thing that makes you insecure.
6:45 It's mental filtering.
6:47 So, negative mental filtering is when you ignore all the good things you do,
6:51 and you place a ton of attention on your mistakes, your flaws, your shortcomings,
6:54 and your awkwardness.
6:56 Now, most people don't notice that they're doing it.
6:58 But let me ask you a question.
7:01 Let's say that at work you get nine good jobs
7:04 or thank yous and one piece of criticism.
7:08 Which one will you think about at night?
7:11 The criticism.
7:12 This is negativity bias.
7:13 Your brain naturally focuses on the negative and filters out the positive.
7:16 For some people, this becomes a deep rut where they literally cannot think of
7:19 anything good about themselves.
7:21 So instead, let's retrain your brain to start noticing the good.
7:25 It's not that it's not there.
7:27 It just feels like you never do anything right
7:30 because you've trained your brain to ignore the good things
7:32 that happen.
7:33 You've conditioned yourself to look for the bad
7:36 and punish yourself with
7:37 that over and over again.
7:38 To restore balance to the force,
7:40 do the three good things exercise every day for two weeks.
7:44 It's very simple.
7:45 Each day before you go to bed, write three good things you did today.
7:48 And this is going to counterbalance that constant focus on negativity.
7:51 It's going to train your brain to look for the good you do.
7:54 Research shows that this simple exercise for 2 weeks can lead to a positive
7:59 mood for 6 months.
8:01 Like a measurable decrease in anxiety and depression.
8:04 Okay, so now we've got an idea of where we're going
8:07 and we're learning to protect ourselves from the things
8:09 that throw us off course.
8:11 Now, we're going to start to build up our momentum.
8:13 We're going to explore your gifts.
8:15 What lights you up?
8:16 What gets you excited?
8:17 What's different and wonderfully weird about you?
8:19 Are you an extrovert who connects easily with everyone?
8:23 You don't have to be.
8:24 Maybe you're a poet and you touch emotion with words.
8:26 Maybe you're great at making cookies or you just enjoy cooking, right?
8:30 This is not my gift.
8:32 When I worked at a youth camp,
8:33 I used to compare myself all the time to the other counselors.
8:37 They were super funny
8:38 and outgoing and energetic
8:41 and I just tried to constantly hate myself into being more fun.
8:47 It did not work.
8:48 But then I found that I'm actually really great at having quiet,
8:52 deep one-on-one conversations with people.
8:54 I'm good at caring and empathizing.
8:56 I'm thoughtful and I can ask good questions and make people feel safe.
9:01 Now, I'm not necessarily the most outgoing person,
9:04 but when I line up my opportunities with my gifts,
9:07 I end up doing therapy
9:08 and working in a wilderness therapy camp
9:10 and shifting my socializing to small group activities.
9:14 The thing that I thought was bad about me, which was being quieter,
9:18 was actually one of my great strengths.
9:20 And I think we all need to spend time exploring how is our weirdness
9:26 one of our strengths.
9:27 For me, this book by Susan Caine, Quiet:
9:30 The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
9:33 This book changed how I saw myself and helped me really appreciate my gifts.
9:38 So, that's my encouragement is like,
9:40 take some time to journal about your unique and weird gifts.
9:45 Okay.
9:45 Number five, take a small action to use your gifts in service of someone
9:49 else.
9:50 So, do you love plants?
9:51 Give someone a flower or some harvest from your garden.
9:54 Are you a bookworm?
9:55 Post a positive and thoughtful book review online
9:58 or recommend your favorite book to your friend
10:00 or build a little lending library.
10:03 Are you nerdy about DND?
10:05 Start a club or a group or a dungeon.
10:07 Like, I honestly do not even know the word, but I bet you do.
10:10 I bet someone out there does.
10:11 Please put it in the comments, okay?
10:13 Don't be like, "Oh my gosh, I have to serve with my gifts."
10:16 Just look around.
10:16 I bet there is always someone in need.
10:19 Be friendly toward an outcast.
10:20 Sit with someone who's having a hard time.
10:22 Take a meal to a sick friend or an elderly relative.
10:26 Find a place to volunteer.
10:27 Right?
10:27 This, I guarantee you this is more powerful than affirmations.
10:32 You are needed.
10:33 There is good to do in the world and you can step up.
10:36 You can make a difference.
10:37 I recently heard a story about a father
10:39 and his son was struggling with low self-esteem.
10:41 So, he started taking his son to an elderly neighbor's house each week.
10:44 They would talk with the neighbor
10:46 and help her out with the little things on each visit.
10:49 And then one week,
10:49 the father was out of town and the son went on his own.
10:52 And when the father returned, the son's face was like,
10:55 glowing with pride as he told his dad how he fixed the neighbor's computer.
10:59 He helped her figure out the remote control
11:01 and he took her trash cans to the curb.
11:03 Like, I get so excited about this
11:05 because as soon as someone stops dwelling on how bad of a person they
11:09 are,
11:09 and they start to connect and help and love and serve,
11:12 they start to get this light in their eyes
11:14 and this bounce in their step.
11:16 Now, like this is not going to be comfortable
11:18 or easy or even self-focused,
11:21 but it's going to make you more proud to be yourself.
11:24 This last one, number six, is accept compliments by just saying thank you.
11:29 Like, this is another one that's going to feel awkward at first,
11:31 but I am serious.
11:32 When someone says something nice to you, accept that compliment and say thank you.
11:38 To help it stick,
11:39 write down the compliment in a notes folder on your phone.
11:42 That's it.
11:43 Enough said.
11:43 Okay, here's the last thing.
11:45 I promise.
11:45 Okay, stop trying to hide yourself.
11:47 Show the world the weird things you're passionate about.
11:50 Get excited about fossils or anime or laughing loudly or sea glass.
11:56 If you've got deep wounds and hurts or weird passions or awkward teeth,
12:00 every time we hide ourselves, we accidentally reinforce that fear cycle.
12:05 And when we show ourselves, we come to find that we are safe.
12:09 Do not wait until you feel confident to take action.
12:12 That is not how confidence works.
12:13 We have to share ourselves first and then the confidence is going to grow.
12:17 Okay, so there you have it.
12:18 Six practices that will help you improve your self-esteem from your thoughts all the
12:23 way to the ones
12:24 that touch at your core.
12:26 You can build self-esteem in a practical way.
12:29 And I hope you find that as you use these practices,
12:32 you'll see for yourself that self-esteem isn't about ego or self-aggrandizement.
12:37 It's rooted in belonging and contribution and purpose and authentic human connection.
12:43 Okay, you got this.
12:44 Pop this list into your phone
12:46 and set some reminders to start taking action today.
12:49 And again, if you'd like to do that values clarification exercise,
12:52 check out the link in the description.
12:54 Thank you for watching and take care.
12:57 Hey, real quick.
12:58 If you found any part of this video helpful,
13:00 I would really appreciate it
13:01 if you give it a thumbs up
13:02 or share it with someone who could benefit from it today.
13:05 Really appreciate it.
13:06 Thank you so much and take care.
