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The Only Relationship Rule… — The School of Life shadowing | TryShadowing
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The School of Life
The Only Relationship Rule That Matters
The Only Relationship Rule That Matters
The School of Life
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5:44 · Oct 8, 2025
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Some of us will require the better part of a lifetime to learn a
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very simple sounding lesson
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that should have struck us
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as obvious and urgent from the start:
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that the only love worthy of the name,
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the only love we should ever be interested in, is reciprocal love.
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In other words, a love where another person is entirely
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as convinced of us
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as we are of them;
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where another person is every bit as present in the relationship as we are;
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a love where we never need to persuade or beg;
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a love where we aren’t left anxious and agitated by evasions and ambiguities;
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a love where we don’t have to wonder where they are
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and when they will get back to us;
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where we aren’t repeatedly up in the early hours writing them messages explaining what
0:49
we hope for from them;
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where they never cease to be entirely there for us,
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as we are there for them,
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and they are profoundly grateful
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that we are in their lives -
1:00
as we are grateful
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that they are in ours.
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This isn’t arrogance or entitlement, this isn’t ‘too much.’
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This isn’t ‘neediness.’
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It’s a basic law of emotional reciprocity
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that will strike us
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as peculiar or offputting for only one reason:
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because we haven’t yet learned what we are owed,
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because we have come from a very deprived place,
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because we were somewhere early on trained to despise ourselves.
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What nonsense we may accept in lieu of this essential and rightful fare.
1:35
How many years or decades of life we may have wasted mistaking pain for
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love.
1:42
Times when we will have insisted on imagining that they did love us back,
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they were just too shy to say so.
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Times when we sat patiently
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and politely with them
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while they tried to decide whether they should be with us
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or with a rival
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and we felt their dilemma
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so acutely.
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Times when we paid for everything
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and they returned the favour with half-heartedness
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and forgotten birthday presents.
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We might have had a marriage behind us in which almost every evening,
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we had to fight our case,
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we had to struggle to have basic things about our needs heard:
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that we needed their touch, that we wanted them to be more present,
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that they couldn’t stonewall us.
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We might have got involved in all manner of so-called ‘complicated’ relationships,
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where the person seemed a little loving at first
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and then very much not
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so in the long run.
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But there is never any such thing as a legitimately complicated relationship.
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They either honour us or they don’t.
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They are either on the other end of the rope,
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as firmly as we are,
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or they don’t belong in our lives in any way.
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Lett us keep in mind - always - some fundamental rules that might,
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because so much went wrong in childhood,
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be the fruit of decades of inner work:
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- if they are still deciding
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but haven’t yet (there are two other people they quite like
2:58
as well),
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we must leave them. - if they are taking ages to reply to simple messages,
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we must leave them. - if they are flirting elsewhere,
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we must leave them. -
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if we need to explain to them why they should want to be with
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us,
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we must leave them. -
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if they are wrestling with psychological issues for
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which we have boundless sympathy
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but which mean they cannot be kind
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or present,
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we must leave them. - if they are not infinitely proud of us,
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we must leave them. -
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if we have given them several good chances
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and they didn’t listen,
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we must leave them.
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And leave them means exactly that.
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Ensure they are no longer in our lives,
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that they don’t occupy the slightest space in our cupboards or our thoughts,
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that there are no more reminders of them anywhere in our consciousness,
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that we have expelled them like the emotional poisons they are.
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It is a complicating factor -
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but no more than
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that - that we may be married to them,
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that we have already invested five years with them,
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that sex is great with them, that we find them beautiful or clever.
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None of this means anything; none of this is love.
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All this might escape our notice for a tragic reason:
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because for some of us, our childhoods will have deeply muddled our emotional mechanisms.
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They will have given us a sense that to love is to pine;
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that to love is to hope to persuade a damaged person (who might initially
4:18
present as sweet and dependable)
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that we are good enough,
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that we are never in the right relationship until we feel ignored,
4:25
uncomfortable and harshly evaluated;
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that the only person we really need love from is someone who isn’t wholly
4:33
persuaded by us.
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We can’t afford such self-torture and self-abandonment any longer.
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We need to come down firmly on our own side at last.
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The self-hatred has gone on long enough.
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Most people won’t think we’re fabulous; that’s entirely their right.
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We simply need to make sure
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that we don’t ever mistake such types for characters we might love.
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We need to grow sane enough to allow ourselves to locate,
5:00
hold on to and tolerate a true ally.
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It isn’t in any way entitled; it’s not brittle.
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We deserve to be adored where we adore.
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Anything less isn’t romantic; it’s self-abandonment.
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It deserves to be seen for what it is:
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a legacy of a letdown
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that we didn’t deserve
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then and don’t deserve now.
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We will have understood love
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when we know that the emotion is in no way about singular self-sacrifice;
5:27
it’s about two people who feel constantly blessed to have met who care infinitely
5:34
for one another.
5:35
When this finally seems obvious, we’ll be home.
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