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The School of Life
The Three Steps to Making Someone Fall in Love
The Three Steps to Making Someone Fall in Love
The School of Life
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5:21 · Oct 15, 2025
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There
is
something
distinctly
spooky
in
the
idea
of
there
being
any
set
route
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0:03
There is something distinctly spooky in the idea of there being any set route
0:07
to making one person fall in love with another.
0:11
It threatens to transform what should be an unconsciously based mystery into a generic
0:16
programmatic maneuver.
0:19
And yet it may be no violation of our integrity to observe
0:22
that when people do feel attracted to one another,
0:25
certain factors will often to a remarkable extent be present.
0:30
Three moves in particular appear to be central to love's genesis.
0:35
Firstly, curiosity.
0:38
The leading evidence for an harbinger of love is curiosity.
0:43
To be attracted to someone is first and foremost to want to know more.
0:48
It's to have a constantly renewed appetite for questions.
0:51
And not just any questions.
0:53
Questions that aim to unearth why someone is the way they are,
0:57
what they aspire to, who shaped them, and where they are headed.
1:01
We feel in the presence of someone properly invested in us.
1:04
When we hear, why do you think you didn't stay with them after that?
1:08
Or how come the job didn't in the end work out?
1:11
What do you believe made it
1:12
so hard to say anything
1:13
when or where might you want to go next?
1:16
Of course, the questions have to be gently handled.
1:19
The curiosity that wins us over must be measured, discreet, and unpressured.
1:24
A lot of the time, we'll be unaware that we're even being asked anything.
1:28
We'll just feel that we have a lot to say.
1:31
Ideally, our interlocutor will hover over things we've described
1:34
and make remarks that subtly invite us to deepen our reflections.
1:39
I suppose it must have been difficult to find the energy to leave
1:42
when or I wonder
1:43
if it was sad knowing
1:45
that they're now with someone who nothing here is being solicited head on
1:50
but a space is nevertheless created in
1:52
which our thoughts can evolve.
1:55
We might add the curiosity
1:56
that especially counts is the sort that's alive to pain. the kind that's sensitive
2:02
to what it would have felt like not to have
2:04
so many friends at university
2:06
or to have developed a certain kind of illness at a young age.
2:10
We feel ready to fall in love with a person who signals
2:12
that what truly interests them isn't what's going well.
2:16
They inquire into our ex who never said goodbye properly,
2:19
our father who was distant and preoccupied,
2:22
or our mother who mixed her affections with jealousy and a desire for control.
2:27
We may well feel aligned with someone who shares our interests and hobbies.
2:31
We will feel intimately connected to someone who knows about
2:36
and can tolerate our suffering.
2:39
Our culture heavily associates the birth of romance with physical moves,
2:43
with a kiss or an embrace.
2:45
But genuine romance begins somewhere else,
2:48
somewhere far less cinematic and a lot more nourishing,
2:51
with a sense of being known.
2:55
Second factor, broad-mindedness.
2:59
At the same time,
3:00
the great terror of being known is
3:02
that it's going to lead us to being judged.
3:05
Which is why the most enticing people let us know subtly
3:08
that they have a great deal of room for weirdness,
3:12
our weirdness.
3:14
They don't need to make a speech on the matter.
3:16
They don't have to say, "I accept transgressions and don't moralize around flaws."
3:20
Rather, they make their point through indirect revelations by telling us casually of some
3:25
of the less cuberous bits of their own pasts.
3:28
Maybe, I ate five packs of biscuits in a row and cried all weekend,
3:32
or by commenting on other people's lives in ways
3:34
that suggest they don't care for standard definitions of normality
3:38
or goodness.
3:39
Why would anyone care what he did so long as no one got hurt?
3:43
The result is a sense
3:44
that around this person we could show a great deal of ourselves without running
3:48
into sensual or prudishness.
3:51
We could collapse.
3:52
We could admit we were scared.
3:53
We could say we couldn't be bothered
3:54
or hated X or Y
3:56
and it would be more than fine.
3:59
Third ingredient, kindness.
4:03
The third ingredient of love is both the most benile sounding
4:06
and the most essential.
4:08
We need to feel in the presence of someone who is kind
4:12
because we all know deep down
4:14
that we're so much in need of generous interpretations.
4:18
Why did we fail?
4:20
Why are we so slow?
4:21
Why are we so weakwilled?
4:23
Why don't we take more care?
4:25
There are plenty of ostensible reasons,
4:27
most of them at the top of our minds every new day.
4:30
Because we're wretched.
4:31
Because we're not good enough.
4:32
Because we're ugly and corrupt and benal.
4:35
We can do all this very well on our own.
4:38
Self flagagillation is our second nature.
4:40
What we can't do is to come up with a kinder, more livable answers,
4:45
the ones that depend on love
4:48
because we had a tricky start
4:49
because we didn't have certain lucky breaks
4:52
because we would have needed
4:53
so much more encouragement.
4:55
We spend a great deal of time hoping our future lovers might be pretty
4:59
or tall or rich.
5:01
These are fine qualities, but if we ever find a home,
5:04
one that can shelter us from inner and outer storms,
5:07
it's going to have to be one built out of these three ingredients: curiosity,
5:14
broad-mindedness, and kindness.
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