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Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro
Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro
Big Think
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4:36 · Oct 21, 2022
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-
I
personally
feel
uncomfortable
around
conflict.
-
Now,
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- I personally feel uncomfortable around conflict. - Now,
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we're here today to find out how to argue. - But conflict is useful.
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The question is, how do you deal with conflict the most effectively?
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Here we go.
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I am author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable:
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How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally-Charged Conflicts.
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Have you found yourself in an argument that felt so frustrating,
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so at a core aggravating? - That's the silliest opinion I've ever heard. -
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It felt just nonnegotiable?
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Well, congratulations, you're a human being.
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We all experience conflict in our lives,
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and seeing what's going on in our world today,
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my hunch is you were probably having at least one of these conflicts about
0:49
politics.
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Our country has fallen into what I believe is a tribal trap.
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Anything that that other side says, I shall not believe,
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I shall not give any credibility to,
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and I'm gonna do everything I can to prove I'm right, you're wrong,
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and to stifle you down to raise me up.
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The problem is not with the what, what are we arguing about,
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the problem is with the how. - How should we argue? - How can
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we be more effective?
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And what I've found is
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that there are three big barriers
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that we can actually overcome to have more effective conversations.
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The big things, one, identity, two, appreciation, and three, affiliation.
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Let's start with identity. - Now, first of all,
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this is a hot issue. - Why do we get
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so emotional in these conflict situations?
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It often goes back to something deeper: identity.
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What are the core values,
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the core beliefs that are feeling threatened inside of you
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as you're having that conversation with the other side?
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The moment your identity gets hooked in these conflicts,
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all of a sudden your emotions become Boy,
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this is a wholly different conflict now.
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It's now your pride.
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Your sense of self is on the line.
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You need to know who you are and what you stand for.
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What are the values
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and beliefs that are driving me to fight for this stance on this issue?
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The more you understand who you are,
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the more you can try to get your purpose met and stay balanced,
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even when the other threatens those core values and beliefs.
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Each side wants to feel appreciated,
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and yet the last thing they wanna do is to appreciate the other side.
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That's a problem. - Listen and understand. - When you're in the midst of the conflict,
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don't talk.
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Take the first 10 minutes.
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Consciously listen to the other side.
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What's the value behind their perspective?
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What's the logic, the rationale?
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Why do they hold this perspective on immigration or healthcare?
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Once you truly understand and see the value in their perspective,
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let them know I hear where you're coming from, and you know what?
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That makes sense.
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There is nothing more in the world that we like than to feel appreciated.
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Recognize your power to appreciate them.
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Third, affiliation.
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What's the emotional connection like between you and the other side?
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We typically approach these conflict situations as me versus you.
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My opinion on healthcare versus yours, my party's perspectives on immigration versus yours.
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That's just gonna leave the two of you like rams butting heads. - Find
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common ground. - Turn
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that other person from an adversary into a partner,
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so it's no longer me versus you,
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but the two of us facing the same shared problem.
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Ask the other person, "Look,
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what's your advice "on how we can get
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as many of our interests met "at the same time?"
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Change the nature of your conversation.
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Now, you put these three things into practice, it can transform your relationships.
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Imagine what would happen if we started a revolution,
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but a positive revolution of greater understanding, greater appreciation, greater affiliation,
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how we could transform politics,
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how we could transform our country and ultimately our world.
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I believe it's possible, but it starts with each one of us.
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