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Therapy in a Nutshell
The Secret Fuel of your Emotional Reactivity
The Secret Fuel of your Emotional Reactivity
Therapy in a Nutshell
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19:15 · Feb 5, 2026
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What
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0:00
What if the biggest thing keeping you stuck
0:02
isn't your circumstances, but the story you're telling yourself about them?
0:06
Let's go meta for a moment because I've got a story about
0:09
my When I was a teenager,
0:12
soccer was my life.
0:13
I had the shirt and everything.
0:14
Before my freshman year of high school,
0:17
I worked super hard to make the high school soccer team.
0:20
More than 50 freshmen tried out, and I was one of only four who made the cut.
0:24
And I was so proud to be on the high school soccer team.
0:27
I worked really hard in practice,
0:29
but I did not get much playing time.
0:31
And my biggest struggle
0:33
was with my teammates, especially Julie.
0:36
Julie was a sophomore,
0:37
and she and her friends on the team
0:40
really didn't like me.
0:41
They made fun of me,
0:43
and made fun of my religion,
0:45
and called me names.
0:46
And even worse, Julie was the JV coach's daughter.
0:50
Now, you guys, I was pretty good at the game of soccer,
0:53
but I was pretty clueless
0:55
about playing the game of popularity.
0:57
So, I did what I always did.
0:59
I just withdrew, went quiet,
1:02
tried to avoid attention.
1:03
Anyways, fall season ended,
1:05
and I made it onto a prestigious
1:07
club team for the spring season.
1:08
Our coaches had played semi-pro.
1:10
We practiced in this super nice indoor facility,
1:13
and I was with these teammates who were much better than I was, and
1:16
they helped me develop my skills,
1:18
like how to bend the soccer ball. Pretty cool.
1:21
When tryouts came up again in the fall,
1:23
I thought for sure I'd make the team.
1:25
So, I was really shocked
1:26
when my name wasn't on the list
1:28
for the last round of cuts.
1:30
I felt completely crushed.
1:32
I felt like my entire
1:34
identity had been stripped
1:36
away from me because
1:37
the most important thing in the world to me was gone.
1:41
And >> I remember like laying on my bed
1:44
with my dog crying.
1:48
And that like defeated
1:49
feeling lasted for months, like months.
1:53
Anyway, at one point,
1:54
maybe a month later, I walked past
1:57
the varsity coach in the halls of the school and he pulled me aside
2:01
and he said something along the lines of you're a good player.
2:03
Just try out next year and you'll make the team.
2:05
And without him explicitly
2:07
saying it, I knew what he was saying was that Julie's
2:09
mom, the JV coach,
2:11
had made the decision to cut me, not him.
2:14
And I just I felt so upset.
2:16
Like it was so unfair.
2:18
I was cut from
2:19
the most important thing in my life
2:22
because Julie and her mom did not like
2:26
And I never tried out again for the high school team.
2:30
And uh that's the story I carried for 25 years.
2:33
When people don't like me, there's no point in trying.
2:36
And uh guess what?
2:38
Giving up when rejected
2:41
became a pattern in my life
2:43
until I worked to reverse the pattern.
2:44
So this past summer,
2:46
more than two decades
2:48
later, is that true?
2:49
Am I that old? No. Yes, I am.
2:52
I was thinking about Julie and her mom
2:54
and the soccer team.
2:55
And I was like driving down the road and I remember when this thought
2:57
hit me for the first time
2:59
in 25 years, I saw that situation completely differently.
3:03
And that's because 41-year-old
3:05
Emma is much more resilient
3:06
and tells different stories.
3:09
It had never before crossed my mind
3:11
that the head varsity coach was telling the truth.
3:14
Like what if instead
3:16
of seeing the situation
3:17
as impossible, what if my story had been, "Hmm, I can always try again.
3:22
The worst thing they could say is no."
3:24
What if I'd believed the coaches would be willing to guide me to the
3:26
skills to be one of the best players on the team?
3:29
Or heck, like what if I'd made an effort to develop social skills and
3:31
be more friendly or manage these situations better?
3:34
Even if Julie's mom kept me off the roster again, I'd be more courageous
3:37
and more friendly person who could hold her head up high.
3:39
But 16-year-old Emma told herself the victim story.
3:43
I was cut from the team because Julie and her mom didn't like me.
3:47
41-year-old Emma believes a new story.
3:50
I have a lot of influence on my results.
3:54
I can learn new skills and figure out most
3:58
I know I'm not alone in this.
4:00
Bad stories can keep you depressed,
4:02
helpless, lonely, angry, or feeling like a victim, like I did.
4:06
On top of that, because of this strange
4:08
bias we have in our brains,
4:10
you have no idea
4:12
that you're feeding these stories.
4:14
We just believe them.
4:15
And I'll tell you about that in a moment because
4:17
once you can see it,
4:19
once you can see your stories,
4:21
you can't unsee it.
4:22
Now, you might be saying,
4:23
"But Emma, the truth is the system is rigged.
4:26
You could have tried
4:27
everything in your power to make the team and still,
4:30
if the JV coach didn't like you, you wouldn't have made it." Is that true?
4:34
Like, was I the victim of
4:37
Or should I have tried harder?
4:39
That's actually the wrong question.
4:40
We often get stuck
4:42
trying to figure out which story is true.
4:44
When we should be asking,
4:46
"Which story is helpful?"
4:48
Or as Deb Dana says,
4:49
"Which story is resourcing
4:51
and which one is deresourcing?
4:53
Which story would make me healthier,
4:55
happier, and more connected?
4:57
Which story gives me more energy and more options?"
5:00
Now, I want to help you identify
5:02
the hidden thinking, your stories that keep you stuck.
5:05
Learning to see and label your stories can change your life.
5:08
It can free you from old patterns.
5:10
It can heal your trauma.
5:12
It can help you be less emotionally reactive.
5:14
So, let's jump in.
5:26
Two people can see the same facts completely
5:28
differently depending on the story they tell.
5:30
Here's a few quick examples that show how our stories
5:33
shape our view of the world around us.
5:35
Two neighbors step outside at the same moment into pouring rain.
5:39
Person A, "Ugh, this always happens.
5:42
The universe is against me."
5:44
Person B, "Free watering for the garden
5:46
and I get to wear my favorite jacket today.
5:48
A woman texts her friend,
5:50
"Hey, can we talk later?"
5:51
Then hours go by with no reply.
5:53
Story A: She must be mad at me.
5:55
I must have said something wrong.
5:57
Story B: She's probably busy.
5:59
She'll text when she can.
6:01
Now, we never know
6:03
the real story, but we react
6:06
as if we do.
6:06
We make all these assumptions.
6:08
I actually do not know
6:10
whether Julie's mom influenced
6:12
me getting cut or not,
6:14
but I reacted with a belief that it was hopeless and helpless.
6:17
Our story directly impacts our emotions.
6:20
Let me give you another example.
6:21
A supervisor asks you to rework a section on a project.
6:24
Interpretation A: I failed.
6:26
They think I'm incompetent.
6:27
Interpretation B: This is feedback because they trust me with important work.
6:32
Same words, different identity story. I'm worthless. I'm growing. Okay?
6:39
You're driving down the road.
6:39
Someone swerves in front of you in traffic.
6:41
Interpretation A: What a jerk.
6:43
Nobody cares about anybody anymore.
6:45
Interpretation B: Maybe they're rushing to the hospital.
6:49
Or even, "Wow, I feel bad for them.
6:52
They must feel so stressed all the time."
6:54
We don't react to events.
6:57
We react to our story about the events.
7:00
Our emotional reaction is all about the story we're telling,
7:04
and this fuels our emotions for good or ill,
7:06
and it determines the quality of our lives.
7:09
People who struggle with emotional
7:10
regulation tend to let one or more of these hidden stories run their lives.
7:15
I'm broken, bad, deficient, disordered.
7:18
Everyone will always mistreat me.
7:21
The world is bad, dark, and unfair.
7:24
Nothing will ever work out for me. I'm special.
7:27
It's never my fault.
7:29
This always happens to me.
7:31
No one will love me.
7:33
Depression makes me sad.
7:35
Anxiety makes me avoid things.
7:37
These stories are infused in our culture.
7:41
We may have even heard our parents
7:42
pass down the victim story
7:44
or model an empowered
7:45
story since before we could speak.
7:47
Because of these, our stories
7:49
just feel like reality.
7:51
They feel like truth.
7:52
It's like a fish swimming
7:53
and saying, "What's water?
7:55
This is just how it is."
7:57
Now, here's the thing,
7:58
until we're aware of our stories
8:00
and we choose the ones we want,
8:01
we use them in two
8:03
ways that actually makes our stories stronger.
8:06
There's this weird thing our brain does with them.
8:08
The first thing we do is confirmation bias.
8:10
Now, I guarantee you there are going to be dozens of comments on this
8:14
video "But my story is accurate, Emma.
8:18
The world does suck. Everyone hates me. I am broken.
8:23
My depression does make me feel this way.
8:26
I have been a victim my entire life."
8:28
We have a natural
8:30
resistance to challenging our stories
8:32
and a natural bias
8:33
to confirming our stories.
8:35
And this is called confirmation bias.
8:37
You should check out this video by Veritasium. Veritasium?
8:40
I don't know how to say their name.
8:41
Long story short, confirmation
8:43
bias means that we look
8:45
for opportunities to prove our story right
8:47
instead of looking for exceptions to the story.
8:49
And this makes us
8:50
constantly believe that our story is right.
8:54
Now, when I thought that I'd been cut because Julian and her mom didn't
8:57
like me, and then the coach pulled me aside and told me I was
9:00
a good player, instead
9:02
of thinking, "Ooh, I could make it next
9:05
I thought, "See, life is so unfair."
9:09
That's how I interpreted it.
9:11
The other thing we do with our stories is that we shape our life around them.
9:13
Our stories don't just impact our feelings,
9:16
they also bias how we process and remember situations.
9:20
So, if your story is,
9:21
"Everyone's a terrible driver."
9:23
then you'll be much more likely to notice
9:25
and remember the bad drivers
9:27
and ignore all the good drivers on your commute.
9:30
Like, when's the last time you went out of your way to notice all
9:33
the people driving nicely?
9:34
You didn't, I promise.
9:36
I recently heard someone say,
9:38
"I have a theory.
9:39
Even-numbered years are always good
9:41
and odd years are bad."
9:43
Now, the story colors her perception and memory.
9:47
So, guess what happens
9:48
when in an odd year, a
9:50
bad year, when her car breaks down?
9:53
She thinks, "See, I told you,
9:55
odd years are the worst."
9:57
She confirms her story,
9:59
and she feels discouraged, angry, and victimized.
10:02
But, in an even year, a good year,
10:04
if her car breaks down,
10:05
she might think, "Oh, well, it's not so bad.
10:07
I'm sure we'll figure it out.
10:08
It's going to be a good year, right?"
10:10
She shapes her entire experience
10:12
around her story, and as long as it's an even year, she'll feel resilient
10:16
and optimistic in the face of challenges.
10:18
Now, I told you that our stories change our memory.
10:23
Here's something I conveniently
10:24
left out when I told you the soccer story.
10:26
I was the worst player on that club team.
10:30
>> For years, I conveniently
10:33
minimized that detail because it didn't fit my victim story.
10:37
It's actually really, really common
10:39
to truly forget, actually forget,
10:42
details from our past
10:43
that don't go along with our stories about situations.
10:47
Our stories don't just shape how we think and feel,
10:50
but they also shape how we act,
10:52
and that impacts our outcomes,
10:53
and that reinforces our stories a lot of times.
10:56
So, in other words, our stories actually come true.
10:58
We create our reality with our stories.
11:00
So, if your story is,
11:02
"My depression makes me feel this way,"
11:04
then you're more likely
11:05
to act helpless, withdraw,
11:07
and feel more depressed.
11:08
Your depression story fuels your depression.
11:11
If your story is, "I'm different from everyone and no one likes me,"
11:14
you're more likely to avoid social interactions
11:16
and therefore have less friends,
11:18
and you'll confirm your story.
11:20
You'll create that reality. See?
11:22
"No one likes me."
11:23
On the other hand, if your story is, "I'm charming
11:25
and people like to be around me,"
11:27
you'll probably make other people feel good,
11:29
show real interest in their lives,
11:31
and as a result,
11:32
they'll want to be around you.
11:34
But if your story is everyone
11:35
will mistreat me, you'll probably be quick
11:38
to act guarded, defensive,
11:39
and angry around people.
11:41
Essentially, you'll invite other people to mistreat you.
11:43
It's not that these stories
11:45
aren't true some of the time.
11:47
The problem with stories is that we assume
11:49
they're true all of the time.
11:51
Believing I'm a victim once isn't a life-ruining pattern.
11:54
Like it it has happened.
11:56
I'm sure I've been victimized in my life.
11:57
But constantly seeing myself
12:00
as a victim in most situations
12:02
will definitely impact my life.
12:04
If I in a hundred
12:06
situations where things go poorly,
12:08
think, "Oh, I'm a victim.
12:09
Everyone's out to get me."
12:11
then most likely my outcomes will be much worse
12:14
than if in a hundred situations
12:16
I think, "Huh, I can influence the outcomes of my life by working hard,
12:20
learning new skills, and
12:22
being intentional about how I choose to act."
12:25
I'm much more likely in a hundred situations
12:27
to have a more positive
12:28
outcome over the course of my
12:31
So, this brings us to a question
12:33
and a choice that can change your life if you'll let it.
12:36
What kind of stories do you want to tell?
12:38
If you want to be less reactive,
12:40
if you want to have greater
12:41
intentionality and regulation of your emotions,
12:44
you have to be willing to question your stories.
12:47
You don't even have to challenge them or replace them.
12:50
You don't have to fix them.
12:51
You just have to be willing to see them for what they are. They're stories.
12:54
And then you just decide,
12:56
"Is this story helpful for me?"
12:57
Therapy is a great
12:58
place to do this work.
13:01
But if all you have is this video,
13:03
first, thank you for being here.
13:04
And here's four steps
13:06
that will help give you power and choice with your stories.
13:09
Okay, skill number one, find your stories.
13:12
I've made a worksheet for you.
13:14
So, write about the last time you got upset.
13:17
Some good places to look for this are driving,
13:19
relationships, interacting with people in general.
13:22
These are great opportunities
13:23
to observe your stories. So, what happened?
13:26
Write down the facts only.
13:28
I got cut from the soccer team.
13:29
Okay, now ask why do you think this happened?
13:32
My old story was, Julie's mom didn't like me. Here's another example. What happened?
13:36
I was driving and I got cut off on the freeway.
13:39
Why did it happen?
13:40
Because people are inconsiderate jerks.
13:42
Okay, what's the story here?
13:44
I'm the victim of other people's jerkiness.
13:47
I'm sure it had nothing
13:49
to do with my skills
13:50
as a soccer player
13:52
or the fact that I don't
13:54
use my turn signals.
13:55
Okay, guys, I actually do use my turn signals.
13:57
I'm just giving an example here.
13:58
When you're on the lookout for your stories, keep this in mind, right?
14:01
Unhelpful stories are usually phrased as all or nothing and they feel like just
14:05
the way things are.
14:07
And these stories show up over and over again in multiple situations.
14:11
So, to find our stories, it can be helpful to repeat this exercise with
14:14
like five or more upsetting situations.
14:16
And if you want to use this worksheet, I'm going to put a link in the description.
14:19
So, do you see a pattern?
14:21
People are just jerks.
14:22
I'm such a failure.
14:23
I'm too anxious to do the right thing.
14:25
I have to be nice or else I'm a bad person.
14:27
You just look for these patterns
14:28
in your beliefs of why things are happening.
14:31
Now, confirmation bias means that you're going to default to believing that your story is true.
14:35
Give yourself a little space to question that.
14:38
What might be other reasons for what happened?
14:41
And this is a brainstorming session.
14:43
So, you could put out some ridiculous things.
14:45
Oh, the person cut me off cuz they're driving to the hospital.
14:47
The person cut me off cuz they're looking at their phone.
14:49
The person cut me off cuz their dad never taught them how to drive.
14:52
Look for exceptions to your story.
14:54
Look for creative, different explanations
14:57
than what you're used to.
14:58
My story about soccer was,
15:00
I got cut because Julie and her mom didn't like me.
15:03
But the truth is,
15:04
I have no idea why I got cut. I didn't ask.
15:07
I just assumed and I don't know my coach's reasons.
15:11
In my 40s, I realized that the story I'd been telling was, I'm the
15:14
victim and my belief was if I've been rejected, I'll never try again.
15:18
That's just not the story I tell anymore. Okay.
15:21
So, the second skill is to label your stories.
15:23
I find it really helpful
15:25
to think of my mind as a word machine.
15:27
It cranks out a bunch of thoughts and stories,
15:30
but just because I think something doesn't mean it's true.
15:33
So, if an assumption pops into my head, like I lost my keys,
15:36
my assumption might be
15:38
my roommate must have stolen my keys.
15:40
But, I know from experience that I also lose my keys a lot.
15:43
I can think, "Ooh, there's that victim story again."
15:46
And then the second skill is to thank your brain for that
15:50
Thank you, brain, for trying to protect me with that story,
15:53
but I'm not sure if it's true.
15:54
If you get rejected again and you think, "I'm such a loser.
15:57
No one will ever love me."
15:59
You can catch yourself and say, "Oh,
16:01
there's that I'm broken story again."
16:04
Thank you, brain, for popping that one out.
16:06
Look for your most common stories,
16:08
name them, and remind yourself that just because you think it doesn't mean that it's true.
16:12
All right, number three.
16:13
Once you've identified and labeled your stories,
16:15
ask yourself these questions.
16:17
Does this belief help me be the kind of person
16:20
I want to be?
16:22
Does this story give me more options
16:24
and resources or less?
16:27
Believing you're the victim
16:28
could help you advocate
16:30
or be part of a group
16:32
or understand reasoning behind why things are so hard for you, but believing you're
16:36
a victim can also
16:38
make it harder for you
16:40
to feel like an agent in your own life.
16:42
So, you have to choose like is this story actually giving me options and resources or less?
16:47
Does it make you feel more calm or more reactive?
16:50
If I repeat this assumption
16:53
and this behavior over and over again,
16:55
will it take me where I want to go?
16:56
Does quitting trying out
16:58
take me where I want to go in life?
17:00
Now, if you're not sure, you could try a little experiment.
17:02
If you acted in a way to live out your
17:05
alternative belief, your positive belief, what happens?
17:09
If you treat others like they're kind and they're going to like you, what happens?
17:13
If you believe that you're worthwhile
17:15
and only dated people who treat you that way? What's the outcome?
17:18
Run some tests, run some experiments.
17:20
This is how we really experiment
17:22
with our stories and come to better flexibility around them.
17:25
Okay, skill number four, replace your stories with something more helpful.
17:29
The reason this is so powerful
17:31
is that when we label our stories as stories, it creates
17:33
space for us to notice other stories as helpful replacements.
17:37
So, for example, you might think like, "It's not my job to change other people.
17:41
I'm going to focus on what I can change."
17:43
Or you might think, "Some people care about me."
17:45
Or I'm resilient, I can do hard things.
17:48
Or the world is full of
17:50
Or all of these experiences
17:52
are an opportunity to grow and learn.
17:55
Or good things can happen
17:57
when I work hard.
17:58
Now, in the end,
17:59
you get to choose your stories.
18:01
When we become aware
18:03
of the stories we tell,
18:05
it frees us to choose
18:08
what to believe and act on.
18:10
When you can label your story, you can kind of hold it at arm's
18:12
length and then actually decide
18:15
if this story is helping you.
18:17
And if not, you can experiment with other
18:19
Sometimes these stories are really hard to pick apart.
18:22
There are legitimate sources of bias
18:24
and disempowerment in our lives.
18:26
I'm not saying there aren't.
18:27
The question is, what will our stories be
18:30
and how will we let them shape our lives?
18:32
Because when you call out your stories
18:34
and you replace them,
18:35
you're going to be more
18:36
free to choose helpful action
18:38
and live the life that you dream of. All right.
18:41
Thank you so much for being here.
18:43
I do want to tell you guys, after I never tried out for Skyview
18:46
again, I did play for a rec team
18:48
and I had a blast.
18:49
It was a lot of fun.
18:50
I did break my sternum,
18:52
but um and my like other parts of my body,
18:55
my my wrist, but it was real fun.
18:58
I really enjoyed playing soccer
19:00
later on in life.
19:01
I hope you all can
19:02
choose really helpful stories for yourself.
19:05
Thanks for being here. Take care.
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Therapy in a Nutshell
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