0:06 >> Welcome trustees, deans, faculty, alumni, graduates, families, my fellow honorands, Justice Department spies,
0:18 and that Uber Eats driver delivering mimosas.
0:22 >> >> As I look upon this gathering of tomorrow's greatest minds,
0:26 I'm confident saying there is no less flattering outfit than the cap and gown.
0:33 We all look like the potions professor at Hogwarts.
0:37 >> >> Up here on stage, it feels like an AA meeting for druids.
0:45 >> >> I want to thank President Garber for his incredible stewardship of this graduating class.
0:49 Fantastic job, sir.
0:51 Really nice.
0:52 >> >> Really nice.
0:57 Normally, normally I would give you an A plus,
1:00 but in keeping with upcoming Harvard policy,
1:02 I'm adjusting your grade to a C minus.
1:12 >> >> Trust me, it's for the good of the school.
1:16 I will keep my remarks brief because MIT's graduation is also today,
1:22 and I want to give you a 15-minute head start on your job hunt.
1:28 >> >> Those nerds down the river won't know what hit them.
1:32 Also, just a quick announcement after the ceremony,
1:35 tequila shots are on me at the Porcellian Club.
1:42 YEAH.
1:42 >> >> YEAH.
1:42 You're all invited.
1:43 Just force your way inside and tell them Conan sent you.
1:48 They're an understanding bunch.
1:52 As we gather here today at this beautiful Tercentenary Theatre,
1:56 I am struck by one thought.
1:59 Only someone from Harvard would call this patch of grass a turse in Tanneries
2:06 theater.
2:06 Just look at this yard Percival.
2:08 THIS IS A VERITABLE TURSE IN TANNERIES THEATER.
2:12 HARVARD, WHY USE A $5 word when a $50 word will do?
2:17 It's really nice to be back at the very last place I used the
2:19 word querulous in a sentence.
2:22 Standing right over there by Widener, I asked someone, "What does querulous mean?"
2:28 >> >> Fortunately, they knew the answer because it was a Yale student.
2:31 Man, they're good.
2:33 OH, PLEASE.
2:38 PLEASE.
2:38 LET US NOT denigrate our fellow Ivies.
2:41 Let's admit that all seven are worthy institutions.
2:45 Except for Princeton, those people are absolute tools.
2:58 >> >> The hell's going on over there?
3:10 Yeah.
3:10 As I stand here,
3:11 I'm flooded with so many rich memories of this campus
3:13 and especially of my dear beloved Mather House.
3:23 Yeah.
3:23 Yeah, that's enough.
3:26 >> >> Mather was Mather was named after former Harvard president Increase Mather,
3:31 who was an infamous figure in the Salem witch trials.
3:35 And if any of you spent more than an hour in Mather House,
3:38 you know the witches got the last laugh.
3:47 >> >> It's such an ugly building.
3:48 Okay.
3:53 >> >> I'm sorry.
3:57 Tear it down, start again.
3:58 All right, here we go.
4:00 Of course, we all make jokes about our school,
4:01 but Harvard is still our nation's oldest and most renowned seat of higher learning,
4:05 and today you are the 375th graduating class.
4:13 Yes.
4:13 Did you know that the first graduating class in 1642 had only nine students?
4:20 Yeah.
4:21 And somehow even they were all legacies.
4:27 >> >> That's hard to do.
4:30 No university in our nation has produced more Nobel laureates or white-collar criminals.
4:33 >> >> So, whether you choose good or evil,
4:40 know that you are among the very best.
4:50 Harvard is indeed an impressive place.
4:52 Today, this university honors 13 esteemed colleges, and I salute all of you,
4:57 each and every one.
4:59 Now, of course, don't push it.
5:04 >> >> Of course, this includes the Harvard School of Dental Medicine.
5:06 Yes.
5:08 Yeah.
5:08 And let me tell you something.
5:09 When Harvard When Harvard dentists say you may rinse and spit,
5:13 they say it in Latin.
5:17 >> >> I wasn't going to do that joke,
5:18 but the dental school said they'd give me free veneers
5:20 if I gave them a shout-out.
5:20 >> >> No, I take my assignment today seriously, and in preparation for this speech,
5:27 I asked the provost's office for intel on all your concerns,
5:31 and I was told the following.
5:33 You're obsessed with doing laundry now that it's free.
5:38 >> >> You bemoan the lack of fresh berries.
5:41 You're upset.
5:43 You're upset that not all the dining halls have hot breakfast.
5:49 >> >> Yeah.
5:49 And you are alarmed you're alarmed at the Kennedy School has stopped providing complimentary
5:54 coffee.
5:55 Yeah.
5:59 >> >> If these are indeed your concerns, you sicken me.
6:05 WHAT THE HALF THOSE COMPLAINTS are things you'd hear from a brown bear.
6:09 MORE BERRIES.
6:18 >> >> BEFORE I CONTINUE, there is one thing I must acknowledge.
6:21 For your entire academic lives,
6:23 you have been lectured to by lots and lots of old white men.
6:28 And now, when you are minutes from getting out the door, Harvard is saying,
6:33 "Not so fast.
6:35 We found one more.
6:38 He graduated 41 years ago, and he's not JUST WHITE, BUT SHOCKINGLY WHITE.
6:46 Indirect sunlight, you can see his bones.
6:51 Well, I may may be old and white,
6:53 but let me assure you I still fit in seamlessly with the long list
6:58 of Nobel laureates,
6:59 heads of state, and civil rights activists who have given this commencement address.
7:04 Now, sure, they did great things,
7:07 but only I play a talking potty training gadget named Smarty Pants in the
7:13 upcoming Toy Story 5 in theaters everywhere ON JUNE 19TH.
7:23 >> >> DID WINSTON CHURCHILL DO THAT?
7:25 He did not.
7:28 Former German Chancellor Angela Merkel, well, she did audition,
7:31 but testing showed she frightened children.
7:35 Yes, I graduated 40 years ago,
7:38 but I promise you your lives here were no different than mine was in
7:42 1981.
7:44 Like you, I too had to put an extra long cord on my dorm
7:49 phone so I could cook my Lean Cuisine
7:51 while talking to my friends about Mr.
7:53 T.
7:54 Like you, I know the pain of losing my place on the Ms.
7:57 Pac-Man leaderboard because I was too busy buying an erase cartridge for my Smith
8:01 Corona typewriter.
8:03 Yes, we are all bound by these ancient common truths.
8:08 Now, of course, I understand the unprecedented difficulties you face today, including AI.
8:14 Yeah, I know.
8:14 I know.
8:15 Luckily, AI is not a problem at Harvard.
8:19 Here, professors have been able to quickly flag students' use of AI thanks to
8:24 the sophisticated AI software they use to grade papers.
8:30 It all works out.
8:34 >> >> Yeah.
8:34 And don't worry.
8:35 Despite your fears, trust me when I say AI cannot replace you.
8:41 Yes.
8:44 Yes.
8:44 Yes.
8:44 It'll be too busy replacing those creeps from Princeton.
8:46 Anyway, >> >> of course, perhaps the biggest issue facing this institution is
8:52 that the federal government of the United States is suing our university.
9:01 Yeah.
9:01 Many people think I've come today to defend Harvard.
9:05 Well, sorry, those people are wrong.
9:08 Not only am I not against these lawsuits,
9:11 I'm here to announce that I'm joining them.
9:14 I too am suing Harvard.
9:17 I'm suing Harvard for the cast iron bunk bed
9:19 that greeted me upon my arrival at Holworthy 16 my freshman year.
9:24 >> >> A bed
9:25 that has since been confiscated by The Hague
9:27 as an instrument of divine cruelty.
9:30 I'm suing Harvard for allowing me to sign up for a 9:00 a.m. class
9:33 at the Science Center
9:35 and a 10:00 a.m. class down at Soldiers' Field.
9:38 For God's SAKE, I WAS A CHILD.
9:43 >> >> I'M SUING HARVARD FOR MY less than spectacular undergraduate sex life.
9:51 For me, having a three-way meant adding a second mirror to my dorm.
10:03 >> >> I'm suing Harvard
10:04 because once I had to listen to the Harvard Krokodiloes do an 8-minute rendition
10:08 of Splish Splash,
10:09 I was taking a bath.
10:10 My God, each one took a solo, and it was awful.
10:16 And finally, I'm suing Harvard because, and this is absolutely true,
10:20 in the spring of my sophomore year,
10:23 while trying to grab a quick lunch at Adams House,
10:25 I was served a meal I was served a meal called Captain Ben's Fish
10:31 Spaghetti.
10:33 To this day, I have no idea who Captain Ben is
10:37 or why someone would combine government-issue cod with spaghetti.
10:41 Harvard, I'll see your ass in court.
10:52 >> >> Yes, I'm confident
10:53 that my claims will have more merit than those filed by the president of
10:57 the United States.
11:08 >> >> Yes.
11:08 >> >> As you are aware, the current administration feels Harvard admits too many foreign students,
11:13 and who knows, they may have a point.
11:16 After all, what has any foreigner ever added to our American culture?
11:21 With the possible exception of music, literature, art, cuisine, fashion, architecture, dance, scientific breakthroughs,
11:31 and the core of our moral codes and ethical beliefs.
11:44 >> >> Seriously.
11:44 >> >> Serious, if foreigners hadn't gummed up the works,
11:47 right now we'd all be listening to delightful Calvinist reggae.
11:53 Eating savory Church of England ziti.
11:57 And dancing the forbidden and sexually charged the Lutheran lambada.
12:05 But let me assure you,
12:07 I did not come here simply to toss off some jokes about my alma
12:10 mater.
12:12 I mean, that was the main reason.
12:15 >> >> But I really do really do love this school.
12:18 It changed my life.
12:21 The day I told my bedridden grandmother,
12:24 a woman who had never had the opportunity to go to college,
12:28 that I had been accepted to Harvard,
12:30 and seeing her weep is one of the happiest days of my life.
12:34 Of course, it it turned out I was sitting on her leg.
12:39 But I knew in addition to the pain she felt real joy.
12:44 And I felt joy as well.
12:47 Especially when I sit when I sat here at my commencement in 1985.
12:53 I understand, I really understand how much hard work hard work it took for
12:58 all of you to get to this point.
13:01 And you should feel enormous pride just as I did.
13:05 On my commencement day,
13:07 I was content if my Harvard degree was the first thing people knew about
13:12 me.
13:13 But what I have found after all these years is
13:17 that I am fine with Harvard being the last thing anyone knows about me.
13:22 This is not a diss on this institution in any way.
13:27 I just believe that status, even when it's hard-won, can be double-edged.
13:33 When I started my career hosting a late-night talk show,
13:37 there was no internet.
13:39 The only thing the media knew about Conan O'Brien was
13:42 that he went to Harvard.
13:44 That association may have been fine if I were a burgeoning philosopher or physicist,
13:50 but for a comedian, that was a death knell.
13:54 >> >> People thought the name of my show would be Late Night with
13:57 He Thinks He's Better Than You.
14:00 >> >> Which I would have gone with, but it didn't fit on the shirt.
14:04 All these years later, Harvard is far,
14:07 far from the very first thing people think of when they hear my name.
14:12 I have made 10,000 hours of content,
14:15 and none of it screams Ivy League education.
14:19 That's right.
14:20 I'm the man who went on Hot Ones
14:21 and rubbed hot sauce on my nipples.
14:25 I shopped for weed with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube.
14:29 I got drunk in an American Girl doll store.
14:34 I've done many things no man should do.
14:37 And all of this was before I became a Pixar potty training toy.
14:43 Now, some of you may think, "Well, that's comedy, Conan.
14:46 How does that apply to me?"
14:48 And to you I SAY, "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT?
14:51 I'm giving a commencement address."
14:53 Yes.
14:55 My challenges were unique to me, but I found that any single achievement,
14:59 like a Harvard diploma,
15:01 becomes less important to me in all the very best ways
15:06 when I embrace certain principles.
15:08 The first is that I endeavor to always remind myself
15:11 that I have done absolutely nothing alone.
15:16 Walt Whitman wrote, "I contain multitudes."
15:19 Well, I contain a breakfast sandwich and an iced coffee from Tatte.
15:23 But whatever I have achieved has been with the help of an infinitely packed
15:28 clown car of multitudes.
15:30 If I could invite everybody alive
15:33 or dead who has contributed to my being your commencement commencement speaker today,
15:38 all of Cambridge and half of Austin would be crammed shoulder to shoulder with
15:43 friends,
15:44 family, well-wishers, writers, producers, haters, fans, and a billion chance encounters.
15:52 Recognizing that my accomplishments are not just my own has given me much needed
15:58 ballast throughout my life,
16:00 and it really helps to spread the blame around when things go south.
16:05 Another thing I learned to do that has saved me repeatedly is to pivot.
16:10 I have had to course correct
16:12 so many times in my career
16:14 that my path is a crazed tangle of zigs
16:17 and zags.
16:19 I famously lost a job that meant the world to me,
16:21 and then years later I saw the entire format of late-night television,
16:26 something that I had dedicated my career to, start to evaporate.
16:32 So at the suggestion of a very smart friend, I started a podcast.
16:37 I actually had disdain for the project until with the help of guests, collaborators,
16:42 and an assistant addicted to gummies,
16:45 I made something I loved just
16:46 as much if not more than my late-night show.
16:50 I have had to pivot like this
16:52 so many times that I've come to really love pivoting.
16:55 And I use the word pivot much more than I should in conversation
16:59 and commencement speeches.
17:01 And now I pivot to my next truth.
17:05 I always recognize the enormous role of luck in my life.
17:11 Refusing to see how luck has played a role in anyone's success is simply
17:17 ignorant.
17:17 Many people are happy to mistake a lucky poker hand for their own brilliance
17:22 and fighting that human instinct has kept me sane.
17:27 I honestly believe that community, spontaneity,
17:32 and a real commitment to humility has helped me build a rich life
17:36 that means much more to me than any diploma.
17:40 And believe me, I'm not saying the goal is to renounce accomplishments,
17:46 but rather to metabolize them.
17:49 If you carry your victories lightly, other qualities, kindness, originality, courage, humor,
17:57 and humanity have room to emerge.
18:11 Maybe maybe >> >> maybe the greatest lessons I've learned along these lines have
18:15 been through my 24 travel shows.
18:18 I have degraded myself in Cuba, Ghana, Korea, Armenia, half of Europe, Argentina, Thailand,
18:24 Mexico, and Greenland, where I visited a real estate office
18:28 and tried to buy the country.
18:31 When I travel to another land, every quality I have discussed, community, adaptation,
18:38 and a sincerely humble approach are all necessary.
18:41 When you don't speak the language,
18:43 no one truly cares where you went to college,
18:45 and you have no choice but to make friends.
18:49 It's on these travels that I learned a great lesson.
18:52 Let yourself be bad at things.
18:55 I have been a bad dancer in every country I have visited.
18:59 But the people laugh
19:00 because it turns out everyone everywhere is related to at least one terrible dancer.
19:05 For me, humility on these trips can easily lead to humiliation,
19:10 which is also a useful tool.
19:13 Three weeks ago, I visited Amsterdam dressed up
19:16 as Van Gogh and forced my way into the Van Gogh Museum,
19:20 where I started loudly demanding a cut of the merchandising cuz I made no
19:25 money during my lifetime.
19:27 Guards forcibly ejected me.
19:30 I was roundly mocked by patrons for my pathetic display,
19:33 but I did see a lot of smiles.
19:35 And not one person said, "Now, that's a Harvard grad."
19:44 In Tokyo, I met with a teacher of Japanese etiquette who volunteered I wasn't
19:49 her type.
19:50 And when I asked her why, she just said, "Face."
20:03 >> >> In Ghana, after accepting a royal invitation,
20:06 I was kicked out of the Ashanti Palace by the Queen Mother
20:09 because her favorite soap opera was starting.
20:14 >> >> I understand
20:15 that I am preaching modesty
20:17 and connection at a time
20:19 when this is not in style.
20:22 We are living through a period of extreme narcissism.
20:27 Our current leadership in Washington believes
20:29 that empathy is a weakness
20:31 and that our nation stands supreme
20:33 and alone.
20:35 Add to that, everyone here today has a phone in their pocket
20:40 that is algorithmically programmed to celebrate you
20:43 and you alone by making you the protein-maxing hero of your own special journey.
20:51 Much has been written about how isolated and siloed we've become, but for me,
20:57 the antidote is quite simple.
21:00 By deemphasizing what makes us special, in your case, a prized degree,
21:05 we can really find one another.
21:08 Not as an exercise in virtue, but as a path towards greater laughter, love,
21:13 and real growth.
21:15 And believe me, I struggle daily with my own pretensions.
21:22 I am aware that I am telling you to transcend your glories
21:28 as I stand on this stage accepting a doctorate I didn't really earn well
21:34 dressed like a 12th century pope.
21:38 >> >> Big surprise, I have a giant ego.
21:42 I mean, come on,
21:43 the titles of my shows have been Late Night with Conan O'Brien,
21:46 The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, Conan, where did I think of that one?
21:52 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and Conan O'Brien Must Go.
21:55 I fought like hell to have today's ceremony named Conan O'Brien Presents the Harvard
22:01 Commencement starring Conan O'Brien.
22:06 Yeah.
22:06 Let's get that done.
22:12 >> >> So when I realized
22:13 that my message today would be about the rejection of honor
22:16 and status,
22:17 did I consider Can I consider for a second turning this doctorate down?
22:22 Did I say, "No, President Garber, my achievements are not my own.
22:27 I MUST DECLINE."?
22:29 HELL NO.
22:31 >> >> Not for a second.
22:34 My grandfather, who everyone called Hoofar,
22:37 and who had to drop out of the seventh grade to support his parents,
22:41 was a traffic cop in Worcester, Massachusetts.
22:45 Yeah.
22:45 And he had a saying, "Take what you can get and ask for more."
22:52 Very wise man.
22:54 >> >> Hoofar is an essential passenger in my clown car of multitudes.
23:00 And in his honor,
23:02 I will grab this doctorate
23:04 and then ask President Garber
23:05 if there's also a cash component.
23:13 >> >> You see, I, like you, am still very much a work in progress.
23:18 But the ideals I stress today have made my life infinitely richer and happier.
23:26 So maybe my wish for you is not
23:28 that Harvard becomes the last thing people know about you,
23:32 but instead that Harvard becomes the least important thing people know about you.
23:51 >> >> Because your real education starts now with friends you've made
23:57 and friends you've yet to meet,
23:59 with stunning successes and miserable defeats,
24:03 and with a humble acceptance that your greatness comes from the mess around you,
24:07 not despite it.
24:09 From the depths of my heart, I congratulate you, class of 2026,
24:15 not for any piece of paper you received today,
24:18 but because of your hard work, determination, humanity,
24:23 and the boundless community that you have and will create.
24:28 Let us all resolve on this great day to go forward together
24:34 and see Toy Story 5 in theaters everywhere June 19th.
24:38 Thank you.
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