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Big Think
Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro
Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro
Big Think
·
4:36 · 21 thg 10, 2022
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Chấm điểm phát âm chưa hỗ trợ trên trình duyệt này — bạn vẫn ghi âm & nghe lại được.
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I
personally
feel
uncomfortable
around
conflict.
-
Now,
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- I personally feel uncomfortable around conflict. - Now,
0:03
we're here today to find out how to argue. - But conflict is useful.
0:08
The question is, how do you deal with conflict the most effectively?
0:16
Here we go.
0:17
I am author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable:
0:19
How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally-Charged Conflicts.
0:26
Have you found yourself in an argument that felt so frustrating,
0:30
so at a core aggravating? - That's the silliest opinion I've ever heard. -
0:35
It felt just nonnegotiable?
0:36
Well, congratulations, you're a human being.
0:39
We all experience conflict in our lives,
0:43
and seeing what's going on in our world today,
0:45
my hunch is you were probably having at least one of these conflicts about
0:49
politics.
0:50
Our country has fallen into what I believe is a tribal trap.
0:54
Anything that that other side says, I shall not believe,
0:57
I shall not give any credibility to,
1:00
and I'm gonna do everything I can to prove I'm right, you're wrong,
1:04
and to stifle you down to raise me up.
1:06
The problem is not with the what, what are we arguing about,
1:11
the problem is with the how. - How should we argue? - How can
1:16
we be more effective?
1:17
And what I've found is
1:18
that there are three big barriers
1:19
that we can actually overcome to have more effective conversations.
1:24
The big things, one, identity, two, appreciation, and three, affiliation.
1:31
Let's start with identity. - Now, first of all,
1:34
this is a hot issue. - Why do we get
1:36
so emotional in these conflict situations?
1:38
It often goes back to something deeper: identity.
1:41
What are the core values,
1:43
the core beliefs that are feeling threatened inside of you
1:47
as you're having that conversation with the other side?
1:50
The moment your identity gets hooked in these conflicts,
1:54
all of a sudden your emotions become Boy,
1:56
this is a wholly different conflict now.
1:57
It's now your pride.
1:57
Your sense of self is on the line.
1:57
You need to know who you are and what you stand for.
1:57
What are the values
1:57
and beliefs that are driving me to fight for this stance on this issue?
1:57
The more you understand who you are,
1:58
the more you can try to get your purpose met and stay balanced,
1:58
even when the other threatens those core values and beliefs.
1:58
Each side wants to feel appreciated,
1:58
and yet the last thing they wanna do is to appreciate the other side.
1:59
That's a problem. - Listen and understand. - When you're in the midst of the conflict,
2:00
don't talk.
2:00
Take the first 10 minutes.
2:00
Consciously listen to the other side.
2:00
What's the value behind their perspective?
2:00
What's the logic, the rationale?
2:00
Why do they hold this perspective on immigration or healthcare?
2:00
Once you truly understand and see the value in their perspective,
2:00
let them know I hear where you're coming from, and you know what?
2:00
That makes sense.
2:00
There is nothing more in the world that we like than to feel appreciated.
2:00
Recognize your power to appreciate them.
2:01
Third, affiliation.
2:01
What's the emotional connection like between you and the other side?
2:01
We typically approach these conflict situations as me versus you.
2:01
My opinion on healthcare versus yours, my party's perspectives on immigration versus yours.
2:01
That's just gonna leave the two of you like rams butting heads. - Find
2:03
common ground. - Turn
2:03
that other person from an adversary into a partner,
2:03
so it's no longer me versus you,
2:03
but the two of us facing the same shared problem.
2:04
Ask the other person, "Look,
2:04
what's your advice "on how we can get
2:04
as many of our interests met "at the same time?"
2:04
Change the nature of your conversation.
2:04
Now, you put these three things into practice, it can transform your relationships.
2:07
Imagine what would happen if we started a revolution,
2:07
but a positive revolution of greater understanding, greater appreciation, greater affiliation,
2:07
how we could transform politics,
2:07
how we could transform our country and ultimately our world.
2:07
I believe it's possible, but it starts with each one of us.
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