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The Office
Office Moments To Keep You Company At Work
Office Moments To Keep You Company At Work
The Office
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40:19 · Mar 2, 2026
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Darryl,
do
we
have
any
of
those
clips
that
hold
paper
together?
Translating…
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0:00
Darryl, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
0:02
Staples?
0:06
>> >> Uh David Wallace called.
0:07
Oh, he did.
0:08
What did he say?
0:09
He heard you made a big splash at the meeting.
0:11
Oh my god, that was
0:12
so mean what I just said
0:13
and I didn't mean it.
0:13
It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.
0:16
Okay, I'm going to kill you.
0:19
Michael, don't listen to them.
0:21
Thank you, Stanley.
0:22
You just ignore their carp and >> >> Okay.
0:25
Michael.
0:25
Yes.
0:26
>> Carp is both a fish and a term for complaining.
0:29
They're mocking you with wordplay.
0:30
Hey Oscar, you know who would love this?
0:33
Your ex-boyfriend, Gil.
0:36
Hey boss, did you find Nemo?
0:38
I can name Pixar movies, too.
0:40
Toy Story.
0:41
Don't you mean Koi Story?
0:44
>> >> And when you fell in, did you flounder?
0:49
Michael, flounder is both a kind of a fish >> what a flounder is.
0:52
I'm not usually the butt of the joke.
0:54
I'm usually the face of the joke.
0:59
I wish Jim had fallen into that pond.
1:01
Then he'd have to put on my suit, and it would be too short.
1:04
And he'd look Damn it.
1:07
He'd still look good.
1:20
Michael.
1:20
I You have some algae.
1:21
>> Okay, you know what, Erin?
1:23
Enough.
1:24
Wait, just go LIKE THIS.
1:27
OH GOD!
1:28
GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
1:30
OH, OKAY.
1:31
HEY MICHAEL.
1:32
>> NO!
1:32
NO!
1:33
NO MORE!
1:34
THAT IS IT!
1:35
EVERYBODY IN the conference room, right now.
1:43
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is
1:46
that you cannot make fun of a person for something
1:50
or some action that they have done
1:52
that they regret.
1:53
You can only make fun of things that they have control over.
1:57
Like Oscar is gay.
1:59
That is his choice.
2:01
We can make fun of that.
2:02
I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.
2:05
Michael, you still can't make fun of people for race
2:08
or gender or sexual orientation
2:10
or religion.
2:10
>> Who let Who let the lemon head into the room?
2:13
You are a waste of life and you should give up.
2:17
Is what I want to say,
2:19
but I won't because that is why we are doing this right now.
2:23
So, Toby, welcome to sensitivity training for real.
2:26
Show of hands, who here has been koi ponded?
2:30
Who here has been the butt of a joke that has gone too far?
2:34
Phyllis.
2:35
Michael, you make fun of us every day.
2:37
Ah.
2:37
Yeah, every single day.
2:39
>> You never said anything.
2:41
Uh we have, countless times.
2:42
>> Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying stop
2:47
because I want you to stop
2:48
or stop as in stop,
2:50
you're making me laugh so hard.
2:52
What you're doing is so funny.
2:54
You're on a roll.
2:55
I am busting a gut.
2:56
Stop.
2:58
That's never been the case.
2:59
We are going to make a do not mock list, okay?
3:09
Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list.
3:13
Anything you put on this list, you cannot be teased about.
3:17
Got it?
3:18
I'm going to kick it off.
3:19
Let's see what I have to put on the list, right?
3:25
Okay.
3:27
I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall.
3:31
Fell in a second fountain.
3:35
Can you kick me out of the meeting now?
3:37
Go.
3:37
Go.
3:41
Starting today, teasing will no longer be tolerated.
3:44
>> You mean there's no teasing of any kind?
3:47
>> No, no, no, no.
3:48
Just things that are on the list.
3:49
That is the beauty of it.
3:51
Okay, who else?
3:52
Who else?
3:52
Dwight, come on.
3:53
I don't want people making fun of my nose.
3:55
Your nose?
3:57
It's too small.
3:59
The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way, but one.
4:03
My nose is too small.
4:05
I mean, it still works.
4:06
I can smell things.
4:07
I just have to be a lot closer than most people.
4:11
Oh my, that is small.
4:13
Just write it down, please.
4:14
Can you breathe okay?
4:16
What keeps your glasses on?
4:17
Hey, it's on the list, everybody.
4:19
>> No, I haven't finished writing.
4:21
Did you sneeze it off?
4:22
That's it.
4:24
No more.
4:24
Okay.
4:26
Who else?
4:26
Who else?
4:27
Everybody get their chance.
4:28
Come on, if it's not on the list, it is fair game.
4:30
And if I find out, I will be ruthless.
4:32
Um, I'm a foster child.
4:34
That's something I'm pretty sensitive about.
4:36
Aaron is in foster care.
4:38
No, I have parents.
4:39
I just I wasn't raised by them.
4:41
Okay.
4:41
Okay.
4:43
Hey, relax, Andy, all right?
4:45
We got crazy story covered.
4:47
Anybody else?
4:47
I don't want people making fun of my weight.
4:50
Okay, that's too broad.
4:51
It's got to be something else.
4:53
How about your stomach?
4:57
Yum?
4:57
Who else?
4:58
Sales form to you to sign?
5:00
You know what to do.
5:15
Okay.
5:15
Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager,
5:18
and I have chosen one of the best.
5:19
>> Aw, thanks, man.
5:21
Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences,
5:24
much like Germany and Italy in World War Good call.
5:29
Together we run a no-nonsense office.
5:42
Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
5:45
Oh, both spell for the post-conference room meeting. >> depends on the conference room
5:47
meeting itself.
5:51
Uh okay.
5:53
Is that them again?
5:55
>> Yeah.
5:55
Maybe you should call back.
5:59
Oh.
5:59
I will.
6:02
The guys at Athleap are still bugging me about this 3-month road show thing.
6:06
Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships.
6:09
Yeah, it sounds exciting, but I said no, and that's final.
6:14
I almost lost Pam over this business.
6:16
I'm not risking that again.
6:19
When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved.
6:24
But I also feel a little guilty.
6:26
I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me.
6:30
But he seems happy.
6:31
I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot.
6:34
I love goofy Jim.
6:36
Welcome.
6:37
He welcomes you.
6:38
Please take an agenda item.
6:39
Your agenda taking pleases him.
6:41
>> Have a seat, Phyllis.
6:43
There we go.
6:44
As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote.
6:47
Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.
6:51
Eh, that is wrong.
6:53
Failure of any kind is failure.
6:56
Jim, over to you.
6:57
>> Let's not get crazy and ruin our no nonsense streak.
6:59
All right?
7:00
So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today,
7:03
please don't yell out Michael J.
7:04
Fox from Fox in the future.
7:07
Okay?
7:07
That's nonsense.
7:09
Question.
7:09
>> Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
7:11
We are expecting a water delivery today at 10:00 a.m.
7:14
What if as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, "Nice jugs."
7:18
That's obviously nonsense.
7:20
Nonsense.
7:21
And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
7:25
Zero percent nonsense.
7:28
Zero.
7:28
Not now, private time.
7:29
I love Star Wars as much as the next guy.
7:31
Hey.
7:36
Seriously?
7:36
My god, I'm so sorry.
7:39
Well, this might make up for it.
7:41
I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
7:46
Which is, of course, >> Potential future nonsense.
7:48
>> Yes.
7:49
Good abbreviating, Jim.
7:50
That saved some time.
7:51
Now, hurry up.
7:52
Shut the door.
7:55
Break it down for me.
7:56
I'm going to need you to look at your hierarchy mobile.
7:59
You've got a regional manager.
8:01
>> The power source.
8:03
>> Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager. >> but bungling apostle.
8:05
>> But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
8:14
Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliere.
8:17
>> Exactly.
8:18
I'd have to get some more wire and string.
8:21
But it's doable.
8:22
You think any of them out there are capable?
8:25
You're right.
8:26
I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
8:28
I like the sound of that.
8:30
What did you have in mind?
8:31
Well, I know it sounds crazy,
8:32
but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
8:37
It doesn't sound crazy, Jim.
8:39
It's the sanest thing I've ever heard.
8:44
>> >> Members of the office, hear ye.
8:47
That means ye, Plop.
8:49
Plop.
8:50
Still.
8:51
We owe Andy that much.
8:52
Yeah, absolutely we do.
8:54
Am I right, people?
8:56
Fine.
8:57
Today, we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant
9:02
to the regional manager.
9:03
>> Uh, heck yeah.
9:04
Nice.
9:05
You'll always have the upper hand when you've got a good arm.
9:10
Trademark pending.
9:11
>> This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities.
9:15
Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only.
9:19
No savoring.
9:20
Ah, what an honor.
9:21
God, I envy them.
9:22
He envies you.
9:24
You don't need to repeat right now what I'm saying.
9:27
>> Dwight will choose himself to be assistant to his own assistant.
9:31
Me.
9:32
It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat.
9:37
We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack.
9:48
>> >> It's a booze cruise.
9:50
All right.
9:52
I have a test for business school tomorrow night.
9:54
Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
9:58
>> No.
9:58
This is mandatory.
9:59
But don't worry, you know what?
10:00
You're going to learn plenty.
10:02
This is going to turn your life around, Ryan.
10:05
I'm already in business school.
10:07
Well, Wait, Michael.
10:08
>> This, yeah.
10:08
Um why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
10:11
To throw you off the scent.
10:13
Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
10:14
>> Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
10:17
I took the tags off already.
10:18
>> Well, that's not my fault, okay?
10:19
Just we're not going to pay for a bathing suit.
10:22
Okay, I know what you're all thinking.
10:24
Who is this smart little cookie?
10:26
Her name is Brenda something, and she is from corporate.
10:30
And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
10:33
I am a great motivational speaker.
10:35
I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year,
10:39
and it wasn't the actual course.
10:42
You have to pay for the actual course.
10:45
But it talked about the actual course.
10:49
And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
10:58
Leader ship.
11:01
The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership as its derivation.
11:06
So, if this office is in fact a ship, as its leader,
11:13
I am the captain.
11:16
But we're all in the same boat.
11:18
Teamwork.
11:19
Last year, Michael's team was bowl over the competition.
11:23
So, guess where we went.
11:27
Now, on this ship that is the office, what is the sales department?
11:35
Anyone?
11:35
Oscar, what do you think?
11:37
I don't I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat.
11:40
>> I'm not giving you the answer.
11:42
Deck hands is one.
11:44
Oh.
11:44
Oh.
11:44
And Can I be the first mate?
11:46
No.
11:46
I'm first mate.
11:47
You're second mate.
11:48
I'm first mate as the captain.
11:50
How about the sales department is the sales?
11:54
Yes, Daryl.
11:54
The sales department makes sales.
11:55
Good.
11:57
Let me just explain.
11:58
I see the sales department as the furnace.
12:02
A furnace?
12:03
Yeah, how old is the ship?
12:05
How about the anchor?
12:06
Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down.
12:11
Toby is the anchor.
12:13
Toby, God.
12:15
I'll tell you about Toby later.
12:16
He's awful.
12:17
Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday.
12:19
Hey, Brent.
12:20
Oh, hey Toby.
12:21
So, What does the furnace do?
12:23
All right, let's not get it hung up on the furnace.
12:24
This just It's the sales I see the sales department are down there.
12:28
They're in the engine room and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right?
12:32
I mean, who saw the movie Titanic?
12:34
They were very important in the movie Titanic.
12:36
Who saw it?
12:36
Show of hands.
12:38
I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about.
12:40
You sure you got the title right?
12:41
>> Titanic.
12:42
I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
12:44
>> No, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.
12:46
Come on.
12:47
Michael stands in the front of the boat
12:48
and says that he's king of the world within the first hour
12:51
or I'll give you my next paycheck.
12:54
Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
12:57
>> No.
12:57
Thank you.
12:57
Spoiler alert.
12:59
You saw the movie, those of you who did.
13:03
They're happy down there in the furnace room
13:05
and they're dirty and grimy
13:07
and sweaty and they're singing their ethnic songs
13:11
and actually,
13:13
that might be warehouse.
13:14
What?
13:15
The No, no.
13:17
No, I didn't Okay.
13:20
Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is leadership.
13:24
We'll get We'll talk more More that on the boat ship.
13:27
Aye, aye, Captain.
13:29
Hey Michael, can I talk to you for a second?
13:31
>> Absolutely.
13:31
Get out.
13:32
Do your job.
13:33
What?
13:35
Yes.
13:35
It's about Woof.
13:36
Is that cool?
13:37
Yeah, yeah, as long as you're here to tell me I'm a billionaire.
13:39
>> On your way, man.
13:40
On your way.
13:41
>> I'm a millionaire?
13:42
On your way.
13:43
Yeah.
13:45
I think the last time we spoke about Woof,
13:46
it must have just been a prototype.
13:48
Well, we launched the beta 3 months ago.
13:50
The response has been unbelievable.
13:53
It's going to be huge.
13:56
Looks like your little documentary finally found its star.
14:00
Hey, I'm Woof.
14:01
I'm Facebook.
14:02
>> What's up, Facebook?
14:02
>> I sent you a Facebook message yesterday.
14:04
I still haven't heard anything back. >> have sent me a Woof.
14:07
A what?
14:08
>> send a Woof, it goes to your home phone, cell phone, email, Facebook, Twitter,
14:11
and home screen all the same time.
14:16
Woof. woof.com Thanks, Erin.
14:30
Sure.
14:30
Okay, Pam.
14:31
Mhm.
14:31
I don't want to be a lousy snitch.
14:34
Okay.
14:34
Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot
14:37
and as office administrator you should >> okay.
14:39
But it's not for the shop. >> go.
14:42
Yes, I invested in Woof.
14:44
It's actually a really great idea and I can't believe it didn't exist before.
14:47
And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim.
14:51
I've done my part for the nice guy.
14:53
Now I want a bedroom set.
14:55
One that matches.
14:56
I think an investor ski trip, frankly, is the best idea.
15:01
It will be a bonding experience.
15:02
>> I love it. >> looking at the trail map
15:05
and I was thinking
15:05
that we should start on a bunny hill
15:07
because I've never actually been skiing
15:09
and then work our way up to death drop.
15:12
Great.
15:13
So, we got our first offer to buy the company.
15:16
You're kidding.
15:17
We could sell, but why think so small?
15:19
We If we just get a couple more people involved,
15:21
really do this thing our way.
15:23
You and me, baby.
15:24
New investors are key, though.
15:25
That's actually why I came in today.
15:27
Don't you work here full-time?
15:29
Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people
15:31
who haven't invested yet,
15:33
or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you.
15:36
That does sound fun to me.
15:38
Awesome.
15:40
Excuse me, everyone.
15:41
Sex!
15:43
Now that I have your attention, You don't have our attention.
15:46
Money!
15:47
I'm listening.
15:48
You had me at sex.
15:50
Perfect.
15:51
>> You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.
15:53
>> THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
15:55
>> >> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY, MICHAEL?
15:57
WOOF!
15:59
ALL RIGHT, I've warmed them up for you.
16:00
You have the floor, Ryan.
16:01
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
16:05
>> >> GOOD.
16:05
NOW, A LOT OF YOU HAVE ALREADY STAKED out your corner of the Woof
16:08
Empire.
16:08
Raise your hand if I'm describing you.
16:13
Why would I invest with Ryan?
16:15
It's a really good idea.
16:17
Aggregators are one of the few things that produce revenue online.
16:21
Also, the internet has a history of rewarding annoying white boys.
16:25
All the ingredients are there.
16:26
Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality.
16:32
I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse,
16:36
and I want to live at the top, and nobody knows I live there,
16:41
and there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.
16:48
For my current investors, things are going great.
16:50
We already have a buyer.
16:52
Really?
16:52
Who?
16:53
Washington University.
16:54
I don't even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the
16:57
billions.
16:58
>> At least.
16:59
So, I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends
17:02
and family.
17:03
Oh, gosh.
17:04
Hold on to your wallets, ladies.
17:06
Anybody interested in joining the Woof Empire?
17:13
Anybody?
17:13
Bob's finances are complicated.
17:17
He only invests with cash and only in nightclubs.
17:23
Andy?
17:24
Huh?
17:24
Andy, can I talk to you in my office for a sec?
17:27
What's this >> It's work.
17:27
It's about work.
17:28
It's work related?
17:29
>> I'd like to talk to you about work in my office.
17:37
Okay.
17:37
Andy, I have brought you in here under false pretenses.
17:39
I knew it.
17:43
This is about Wulf, isn't it?
17:45
Let me be clear.
17:47
As a rule, Mhm. the Nard Dog does not invest in friends' companies.
17:52
>> What if I told you that you have to?
17:55
Then you would be abusing your power as my boss.
17:57
>> Well, maybe I am.
17:59
So, sue me.
18:01
No, don't sue me.
18:02
That's not Think of it this way.
18:06
Would you love to have more money than your parents ever had?
18:10
You could buy the Bernard estate
18:12
and just burn it to the ground
18:13
while your entire family watched.
18:15
That is horrible.
18:16
I love my family.
18:18
Here's the thing.
18:18
When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference.
18:22
Alert the media and then you control the story.
18:25
Wait for them to find out and the story controls you.
18:28
That's what happened to O.J.
18:30
I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients,
18:33
to come in here and meet with me for a personal apology.
18:37
The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
18:39
Oh, did the press ask for a story?
18:42
Here is your headline.
18:44
Scranton area paper company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client.
18:52
Some companies still know how business is done.
18:59
Okay?
18:59
Battle stations, everybody.
19:00
Let's go.
19:00
Go.
19:00
Go.
19:01
Go.
19:01
Go.
19:01
Go.
19:02
Yes, hello.
19:03
Creed Bratton, quality assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
19:06
I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for
19:10
a quality inspection and he
19:12
or she wasn't there.
19:14
And I'm trying to remember who it was.
19:17
Mhm.
19:18
Who wasn't there last week?
19:21
Debbie Brown.
19:22
And which day was that?
19:24
Wednesday, the 11th.
19:26
Perfect.
19:27
The only difference between me and a homeless man is his job.
19:29
I will do whatever it takes to survive.
19:32
Like I did when I was a homeless man.
19:36
Hello, CNN?
19:37
I need to speak to your Scranton area bureau chief.
19:40
All right, then the bureau chief for the greater Wilkes-Barre area.
19:43
How about uh Lackawanna County?
19:45
Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania, then.
19:48
This is extremely urgent.
19:49
No.
19:50
You put your supervisor on the phone.
19:53
Okay, press conference in 45.
19:55
Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
19:57
On it.
20:02
Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage.
20:04
Pam, run a comb through your hair.
20:07
First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top.
20:10
The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow,
20:13
I need this beet right now."
20:15
Those are the money beets.
20:22
I'm sure.
20:23
Hey.
20:24
Uh hi.
20:24
Hello.
20:25
Dwight Schrute?
20:26
Hi. >> you must be uh from the Washington Post.
20:28
Scranton Times.
20:29
Chad Lite, Lite a Side of Life.
20:31
And breaking corporate news.
20:33
And obits.
20:36
Dear god.
20:38
Okay.
20:38
Here are your credentials.
20:38
You've been granted level three security clearance.
20:41
Don't get too excited.
20:42
That's out of 20.
20:43
Right this way.
20:44
Regional manager, Michael Scott, will be addressing the client in the press room shortly.
20:48
Have a seat.
20:49
Can I get you a beverage?
20:50
Uh yeah, I'd like a >> a And so,
20:55
with the eyes of the nation upon us,
20:57
I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident.
21:04
And, as a gesture of gratitude for your continued loyalty, Mrs.
21:09
Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check for 6 months
21:16
of free paper or 25 reams,
21:18
whichever comes first.
21:22
Oh my goodness.
21:24
>> So, let us consider this matter ended.
21:28
Well, it isn't ended.
21:29
I'm I'm very angry.
21:31
I I could have lost business.
21:33
I know.
21:34
I know you're angry and we are truly truly sorry.
21:38
With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did.
21:42
All they want to hear is that you're sorry.
21:45
They're like women that way.
21:46
And this client is a woman.
21:48
So, when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective.
21:54
I don't accept your apology.
21:55
Your remark was obscene and horrifying.
22:00
Well, we are extremely sorry.
22:01
I don't accept.
22:04
I'm sorry.
22:06
Well, okay, but I don't accept.
22:10
Say you're sorry times infinity cuz there's no comeback from it.
22:14
We are infinitely sorry.
22:16
I'm still furious.
22:17
You understand you you get this check.
22:24
I don't believe in apologies.
22:25
When someone in the Yakuza makes a mistake,
22:27
they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger
22:30
and in that way save face.
22:33
And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger.
22:38
With a knife you can take out of it
22:39
or a screwdriver or a corkscrew.
22:49
I think red was the right choice.
22:53
It's okay.
22:55
It's perfect.
22:59
Just okay, Phyllis.
23:01
Cake looks good, doesn't it?
23:03
>> Why'd >> you do that?
23:03
Yeah, second piece, right?
23:05
Save some for everybody else.
23:07
Thank you.
23:08
My first one was small.
23:09
What?
23:09
Yeah, okay.
23:10
All right.
23:11
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, how is your mint chocolate chip Minty.
23:16
Mhm, yeah, well, you need it for your breath, all right?
23:20
I'm kidding.
23:22
Pamela, how are you?
23:23
Hi.
23:23
You know what they say?
23:25
Sugar is nature's aphrodisiac.
23:27
Don't Don't get too wild, all right?
23:29
All right.
23:30
Dwight, you're surprised, weren't you?
23:32
Yes.
23:32
You look freaked, man.
23:34
We said surprise, you were like, "What?
23:37
What the hell is going on here?"
23:39
Yes.
23:40
Yes.
23:40
I mean, my birthday's not until next month.
23:43
>> See, that's why we do things a little different here at Dunder Mifflin, right?
23:48
Happiness level way up here now?
23:50
Well, well, all right.
23:51
All right.
23:54
Mhm.
23:54
Looks great.
23:55
Why don't you have some?
23:56
I I can't.
23:57
Come on, a little bit a little bit. >> eat dairy.
24:00
All right.
24:01
Oh, God, it's too bad.
24:02
So good.
24:02
It would make me sick.
24:04
You know what?
24:04
If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.
24:08
This is way, way too good.
24:14
He's in a box?
24:15
Damn.
24:16
He's in a box.
24:17
He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves.
24:22
I'm serious, go down there and work your magic.
24:25
Wait, is that somebody's?
24:26
Yeah, no, I'm saving this for Dwight.
24:30
Come on, be a team player.
24:34
That is good.
24:41
Hey, where are you?
24:43
Yeah, we were supposed to meet here.
24:48
What?
24:48
Oh my gosh.
24:51
That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier.
24:57
I just don't know what some of the people in like accounting are going
25:00
to do.
25:01
It's that specifically that Hey Jim.
25:07
Good party, huh?
25:09
Just a little something I whipped up, you know, a little morale boost.
25:12
No big deal.
25:13
Speaking of which, I meant to tell you very impressive the uh donation you
25:17
gave to Oscar's charity.
25:18
What was that?
25:18
25 bucks?
25:19
No.
25:19
Well, no, no.
25:21
Money isn't everything, Jim.
25:23
Not the key to happiness.
25:25
You know what is?
25:28
Joy.
25:28
You should remember that.
25:29
Maybe give more than $3 next time.
25:32
Well, $3 a mile is going to end up being like 50 bucks.
25:36
So, got to can't even calculate what you're going to have to give.
25:48
Is Oscar around?
25:50
I just thought it was a kind of a flat, you know,
25:53
$25 one-time donation.
25:56
I didn't think it was a per mile kind of deal, you know, so.
25:59
Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
26:01
I know.
26:02
It It says it right on the sheet.
26:03
It's Look, look at the sheet.
26:04
It says It's however many dollars per mile.
26:07
Got it.
26:08
Yes, so it does.
26:09
Um I just think it's kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity.
26:13
>> No, no, no, no, no.
26:14
No, I I wasn't That wasn't what I was No.
26:17
It's It's not about the money.
26:19
It's just it It's the ethics of the thing.
26:26
Oscar.
26:26
How's your nephew?
26:28
Is he in good shape?
26:29
Yeah.
26:29
How many miles did he do last year?
26:31
Last year he walked 18 miles.
26:32
Son of a That is impressive.
26:35
Good for him.
26:58
>> It's okay.
27:00
I work in sales.
27:05
Hi guys.
27:06
Uh I just want to say that you all have been doing amazing work,
27:09
really.
27:10
Thank you.
27:11
>> And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy.
27:14
So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program
27:17
that we like to call Dwight?
27:22
>> booster.
27:23
It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office,
27:26
from a late delivery to an accounting error.
27:29
Five strikes in a day equals a home run.
27:32
One home run and you're out.
27:35
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens.
27:40
Like, we block Minesweeper or we spoil an episode of your favorite TV show.
27:45
Or worst of all, the disapproving Andy face.
27:51
>> >> Or in this case,
27:52
an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year.
27:56
Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down?
27:58
And as a fail-safe also,
28:00
every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be
28:04
forwarded to him.
28:05
>> What emails are you talking about?
28:06
Robert's favorite songs, Creep by TLC, Creep by Radiohead.
28:10
Remember that one, Jim?
28:12
Uh there's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.
28:15
Oscar?
28:17
He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.
28:21
Kelly?
28:22
Something about him, actually.
28:23
P.S.
28:24
We should kill him.
28:26
Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?
28:28
No, it's an accountability booster.
28:30
Which when it goes off, it destroys everything very similar to a doomsday device.
28:34
Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac.
28:37
Now, the point is is
28:37
that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each
28:42
other.
28:43
I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
28:46
Um no, we're not. and you are a psycho who's ruining our lives.
28:50
We can't do this.
28:51
Let's go back to our way.
28:52
This is not a good way No, it's not a good way.
28:57
They're making me out to be a Bond villain.
28:59
I like to think of myself
29:00
as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world.
29:08
Like >> >> not Dr.
29:08
Moreau, someone good.
29:11
Dr.
29:12
Frankenstein.
29:14
Dr.
29:14
Jekyll.
29:15
Not them.
29:23
Dr.
29:23
Are you sure this is a good idea?
29:25
I mean, the thing about this office is we make a lot of mistakes.
29:28
But the device will change that.
29:30
Without a safety net, people will improve.
29:33
I'm just starting to wonder if maybe the device is a mistake.
29:37
Look, you said you were going to give me some real responsibility.
29:41
That you believed in me.
29:42
Well, this is your chance.
29:44
Do it.
29:45
At least for a day.
29:46
One day, Andy.
29:47
How about I don't support you on this,
29:49
but I promise to support you on two things in the future?
30:00
>> >> Okay.
30:00
Fine.
30:00
Just let me know when you're going to give me a chance.
30:09
You're right.
30:10
You're right.
30:11
Let's one day.
30:12
Mhm.
30:17
All right, everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work.
30:20
Be extra careful, double-check everything, or the Accountability Booster will get you.
30:25
Let's not make any mistakes today, or at least no more than four.
30:28
This Doomsday Device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
30:32
Y2K all over again.
30:34
Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug.
30:36
Paid some guy to update my PCs, threw out my microwave,
30:40
canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks,
30:42
spent New Year's Eve in my basement with a gas mask on my face.
30:46
I was even wearing a diaper.
30:48
Someone said Y2K would get the toilets.
30:51
This could be real.
30:52
Dwight's pretty handy with computers.
30:53
He fixed my laptop once.
30:56
Okay, he didn't fix it.
30:57
The brightness level was all the way down.
30:58
You couldn't fix it?
31:00
I wasn't here that day.
31:02
>> Yes, you were.
31:03
No.
31:04
Okay, well, we'll talk about it later.
31:06
Strasbourg.
31:06
I had a meeting in Strasbourg and I dropped you off beforehand.
31:09
I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes.
31:11
I don't think so, babe.
31:12
>> Okay.
31:13
This is crazy.
31:14
There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham.
31:17
We just make a mistake.
31:19
I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
31:29
Ooh.
31:30
Oh, there's one mistake.
31:32
>> Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
31:34
Dwight, turn the device off.
31:37
>> Come on, Dwight.
31:37
It's not funny anyway.
31:41
Guys, Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device.
31:44
So, I think we're being a little rude.
31:45
>> It's not a doomsday device, gosh.
31:51
Your phone is ringing, Stanley.
31:53
You're going to want to get that.
31:54
Turn off the device.
32:03
This is Stanley Hudson.
32:05
Everyone, hello.
32:06
Everyone, hi.
32:07
Uh sorry to interrupt.
32:08
I know you're all busy
32:09
and the last thing you want is for a major interruption,
32:13
but Toby has an announcement
32:15
that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day.
32:17
So, take it away.
32:19
Yeah, okay.
32:20
Corporate would like us to do a 5-minute review of the company's sexual harassment
32:24
policy,
32:25
so I'll go over that later.
32:26
I wish you luck, Toby.
32:27
I really do.
32:28
But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands
32:30
and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
32:34
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs.
32:42
So, the next day he goes back to complain.
32:45
And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5.
32:50
What did you expect?
32:51
Lobster?"
32:55
This is what's at stake.
33:01
Hey.
33:01
Hey.
33:01
I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon.
33:04
Yeah.
33:04
Sometimes when we IM, I sent you that little winking face with the lipstick.
33:10
Yeah.
33:10
Yeah.
33:12
I realize that might be harassment.
33:15
Yes, it is harassment.
33:17
And I'm going to be suing the winking face.
33:19
I've hired the angry face
33:20
as my lawyer and you should be hearing from him pretty soon.
33:24
Okay.
33:25
Okay.
33:38
Time to bring out the big guns.
33:40
I am heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born.
33:44
Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later.
33:48
And remind them what is great about this place.
33:52
So, ah here they are.
33:54
Guys, wondering if I could get your help for something.
33:58
I am looking for a new joke to tell
34:01
and it needs to be just killer
34:03
and it does not need to be clean.
34:05
So, what you got?
34:06
Like a joke?
34:06
A knock-knock joke?
34:08
Um yeah, no.
34:09
I mean better, better than that.
34:10
The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
34:14
Well, those are some awful tight pants you have on.
34:16
Where'd you get them like Queers R Us?
34:20
>> >> Boys R Us.
34:22
All right, all right.
34:23
Well, okay, yeah, but you know, that joke would not necessarily at my expense.
34:28
Man, we could see your all your business coming around the corner, okay?
34:32
You need to, you know, hide that.
34:34
Good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
34:37
Oh, okay.
34:38
That was all about me.
34:40
Hey, hey, hey.
34:41
So, you don't have the biggest package.
34:42
Don't feel bad.
34:43
I don't feel bad.
34:44
>> I think he feels bad.
34:45
>> No, I don't. >> like you feel bad.
34:47
>> Okay.
34:47
Little package.
34:48
Well, you know, not exactly what I was looking for, but thanks, guys.
34:51
Thank you.
34:51
You look good in that dress.
34:52
He got it from his mama.
34:53
ALL RIGHT.
34:56
SO, REMEMBER, INTENT IS IRRELEVANT.
34:59
And that's it.
35:02
Um I just wanted to say that just my mom's coming in today.
35:06
>> Mhm, milf.
35:09
Thanks, Kevin.
35:10
Usually, the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day
35:12
that everyone harasses me
35:13
as a joke.
35:15
She's coming in today,
35:16
and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
35:19
Great point.
35:20
>> Um fact, uh basic rule of thumb,
35:22
let's just act every day like Pam's mom's coming in.
35:26
All right, that's it.
35:27
Um if anybody has any questions about anything,
35:30
you know where I sit in the back.
35:35
>> >> Hi.
35:35
Is it over?
35:35
Uh yes.
35:36
No. >> go over it with you.
35:38
I know.
35:38
It's good.
35:39
It is not over.
35:40
It is not over till it's over.
35:42
Did uh he tell you everything?
35:44
Obviously, he didn't, because you all still look relatively happy.
35:48
Albeit bored.
35:50
Do you realize what we're losing?
35:51
Seriously.
35:52
Email forwards.
35:56
Exactly.
35:56
Can we afford to lose email forwards?
35:59
Do we want that?
36:00
I hate them.
36:02
You send me these filthy emails, and you say forward them to 10 people,
36:05
or you'll have bad luck.
36:07
Give me a break.
36:08
Um Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk?
36:14
Centerfold in a Catholic schoolgirl's outfit.
36:16
I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on,
36:19
and I will admit, uh best part of my morning is staring at it.
36:23
But what are we going to just take it away?
36:25
That is my daughter.
36:26
She goes to Catholic girl school.
36:29
Great.
36:30
He can leave it up.
36:31
I'm taking it down right now.
36:33
Leave it up, Stanley.
36:34
Leave it up.
36:35
Fight the good fight.
36:36
>> Okay, we can start.
36:39
You waited for me?
36:40
Yeah.
36:41
Pam, you remember this family.
36:43
So, we will wait for our family members.
36:45
Phyllis, you want to give it a shot?
36:46
I got it.
36:48
When my mother was pregnant with me,
36:50
they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins.
36:53
When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later,
36:57
they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus.
37:03
Do I regret this?
37:04
No.
37:05
I believe his tissues made me stronger.
37:07
I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
37:11
Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else?
37:15
Nope.
37:15
Yo, yes, Stanley.
37:17
Come on, your turn.
37:17
You have to go.
37:18
I will not.
37:19
Okay.
37:22
I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
37:26
Let's see.
37:27
I had an aunt that I was really close to.
37:30
She was this amazing female boxer.
37:34
Um anyway, she was injured in a fight and she was paralyzed.
37:39
So, you can imagine how upset I was
37:43
when I found out
37:44
that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube
37:48
so she could die.
37:54
Wow.
37:54
If you want to cry, that's okay.
38:01
Thanks.
38:02
Um a few years ago,
38:04
my family was on a safari in Africa and um my cousin, Mufasa,
38:11
was um he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests.
38:16
And um we all took it really hard.
38:21
All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
38:26
Do you want to talk about it anymore?
38:28
Oh, it would probably take me like an hour
38:30
and a half to tell
38:31
that whole story.
38:32
Me me me me me me me me.
38:34
Yes.
38:35
Okay.
38:36
Um I was trying to throw this party once
38:40
and everyone was over for the weekend.
38:44
And then my uncle Bernie died.
38:47
And so me and my best friend,
38:51
we had to pretend like he was alive.
38:54
So Wait a second.
38:59
That's Weekend at Bernie's.
39:01
Do you think that this is a game?
39:03
Well, there is a ball.
39:04
>> All right, we're starting over.
39:06
No, I'm done.
39:07
>> You are not leaving.
39:08
No, we are not done.
39:09
We really have a lot of work to do.
39:10
>> Yeah, well, you know what?
39:12
The guy who had my job has died and nobody cares.
39:17
And he sat at my desk.
39:20
Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever.
39:25
When I asked him why,
39:26
he said because the whole family forgets the kid at home.
39:31
There is nothing funny about that.
39:36
Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody.
39:40
The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them
39:44
and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again.
39:48
In this case some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck.
39:53
Or also a device that allows the head to live separately from the body.
39:57
I'm working on both.
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