0:00 Excuse me, uh I don't mean to be a jerk,
0:03 but the baby with the rash came in after me.
0:07 >> The doctor will be right with you, sir.
0:14 >> Mommy, I can't find Waldo.
0:16 >> What, the circus?
0:17 He's behind the elephant.
0:20 >> Wow.
0:20 So, your child's a big fan of the Waldo books, too?
0:25 >> Yeah, that's that's how I know.
0:29 I'm Ross, by the way.
0:30 >> Hi, I'm Sally.
0:32 >> Hi.
0:32 >> So, no ring, can I assume you're also a single parent?
0:36 >> I am a single parent.
0:38 >> It's hard, isn't it?
0:40 Uh there's almost no time for a social life.
0:42 I mean, where are you going to meet someone?
0:43 >> Well, um let's say, I don't know, yeah,
0:46 you met someone in the pediatrician's office.
0:51 >> Rossi, we're ready for you.
1:01 >> Um yeah.
1:05 >> Come on, Ross Junior, it's time to go in.
1:17 >> Mommy.
1:17 Mommy, what's wrong with that man?
1:19 >> Hey, I helped you FIND WALDO.
1:23 >> WHO'S making the decision?
1:25 >> Professor Sherman.
1:26 Yeah, meeting with him today.
1:27 >> Well, he's a pretty tough guy to impress.
1:29 >> Yeah, well, I think I know how to dazzle him.
1:33 >> Uh you're not going to do a magic trick, are you?
1:46 >> No.
1:46 The data we're receiving from MRI scans
1:49 and DNA testing of these fossils are are staggering.
1:54 >> Mhm.
1:54 >> I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as as a given,
1:57 But if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so,
2:00 then you can you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know,
2:05 right in the trash.
2:07 So So, what I'm saying is is is
2:11 that is that uh re- repercussions could could be huge.
2:18 I mean, not just in in paleontology,
2:20 but if you think about it in in evolutionary biology, uh genetics, uh geology.
2:27 I mean, truly the the mind boggles.
2:33 Well, that's not what you want.
2:44 >> Hello.
2:44 >> Joey, hey, I need to talk to Charlie.
2:46 Is she there?
2:46 >> No, she uh she went shopping with Rachel.
2:48 Why, what's up?
2:49 >> Well, I'm meeting with Professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker.
2:53 >> Oh, how's it going?
2:55 >> It could be better.
2:58 She um he fell asleep.
3:01 >> What?
3:01 But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda.
3:05 >> Or Barbados.
3:06 >> Fine, I'll rent the car and drive.
3:09 Ross, you have to get that job.
3:11 >> Well, what am I supposed to do?
3:12 He's cold.
3:14 In fact, he was just talking in his sleep before
3:16 and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.
3:22 >> W- Well, just wake him up.
3:24 >> I can't.
3:25 If he realizes that I'm the one who put him to sleep,
3:27 I won't get the job.
3:29 >> Oh, that's a tough one.
3:31 Oh, wait a minute.
3:32 This happened to me before.
3:34 Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep.
3:40 No.
3:40 Wait a minute.
3:42 It was me who fell asleep.
3:44 Yeah, I mean, hey Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while?
4:26 >> My god, you really want me to be the keynote speaker?
4:32 Thank you.
4:36 >> You're welcome.
4:40 >> Your wish is going to come true, but you guys, just in case,
4:42 maybe a genie will come out if we RUB THIS LAMP.
4:48 THAT THING GETS HOT.
4:50 >> YOU KNOW, ROSS, JUST keep making your jokes.
4:52 How are you going to feel if we actually do win?
4:54 >> Uh you're not going to win.
4:55 >> Oh, I know.
4:56 I know the odds are against us, but somebody has to win,
4:59 and it could be us.
5:00 And then how you going to feel?
5:02 You know, we're going to be all like, "Oh, everybody,
5:04 let's take our helicopters up to the Cape."
5:06 And you're going to And you're going to be all like, "Oh, I can't,
5:08 guys.
5:08 I'll have to meet you up there.
5:09 I got to gas up the Hyundai."
5:16 >> Okay, I've heard myself on tape, and I sound nothing like that.
5:20 >> I can see the headline now.
5:22 Lottery winner's friend filled with regret eats own arm.
5:26 >> Why would I eat my own arm?
5:28 >> Well, you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.
5:32 >> You know what, Ross?
5:33 I'm going to throw in 50 bucks for you.
5:36 >> Why?
5:36 >> Because I know I know that you think that the lottery is boo hockey.
5:41 But we're all here, and we're going to watch the numbers and have fun.
5:44 You're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
5:49 >> We don't have to do that.
5:50 I mean, I'll I'll pay for myself,
5:52 but just the fact
5:54 that you you want me to have fun with you guys.
5:56 That's so sweet.
5:57 Come here.
6:00 Mwah.
6:00 >> Get a room.
6:01 >> Enough talking.
6:01 I I have to get moving.
6:05 Hey, check out those two blondes over there.
6:08 Hey, come with me.
6:10 >> Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
6:13 Come on, you don't have to do anything.
6:15 >> It'll just be easier if it's the two of us, like college.
6:17 Uh remember?
6:18 First you uh break the ice with some kind of a joke
6:21 so they know you're the funny one,
6:22 then I swoop in with some interesting conversation
6:25 so they'll see that I'm the brilliant,
6:27 brooding, sexy one.
6:32 >> I thought I got to make the jokes.
6:37 Don't you have to be at work?
6:38 >> Oh, come on.
6:42 >> Uh hello.
6:44 Hi.
6:44 Uh my name's >> Chandler.
6:45 Uh this is my friend Ross right here.
6:48 >> Hi.
6:48 >> And uh we were wondering you know, if you're up for it,
6:50 we only need six more people for a human pyramid.
6:56 Swoop.
6:56 Swoop.
7:00 >> Uh so um uh oh hey, I I noticed you're reading the paper.
7:05 Uh another flood in Europe, huh?
7:10 Um here's a question.
7:13 Would you Would you rather drown or be burned alive?
7:20 >> I'm sorry.
7:21 We're just leaving.
7:27 >> Okay.
7:27 We still got it.
7:39 Hi.
7:39 I uh I couldn't help but notice uh but that's that's an unusual necklace.
7:44 >> You already hit on me an hour ago.
7:49 >> Right, so that's a firm no.
7:58 Believe this, I just keep striking out.
8:01 >> I don't get it either.
8:04 I mean, you're obviously desperate.
8:07 You're asking women how they want to be killed.
8:11 >> Well, this is great.
8:12 Rachel's going to keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants,
8:16 and I'm I'm going to die alone.
8:18 >> By drowning or >> We finally found a nanny.
8:23 This is Molly.
8:23 Molly, Chandler, Joey.
8:28 >> Hi.
8:28 >> Hi.
8:28 >> Well, somebody's getting a little fussy.
8:30 >> Damn right I am.
8:31 I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
8:35 >> Okay.
8:36 You know what?
8:36 I'm just going to take her outside.
8:37 >> No, you stay.
8:38 I'll do it.
8:40 >> Okay.
8:40 >> Nice to meet you, guys.
8:41 >> Yeah, you too.
8:42 You too.
8:44 >> Oh, wow.
8:44 Molly's just great.
8:46 >> Yes, bravo on the hot nanny.
8:50 >> What?
8:51 You really think she's hot?
8:52 >> Are you kidding?
8:53 If I wasn't married, she'd be rejecting me right now.
9:00 >> Joey?
9:00 >> How do you think she's doing?
9:04 >> Am I the only one that doesn't think that she's hot, Ross?
9:08 >> I mean, I mean, she's not unattractive, but but hot, uh >> Thank you.
9:19 >> Now that Rachel's gone, so hot I cried myself to sleep last night.
9:27 >> Wow.
9:27 >> Oh, you you look uh I mean,
9:31 it's just uh that
9:33 that that dress uh >> I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
9:40 >> Oh, they're they're good.
9:40 It's just been a while since I have seen you like this.
9:42 You you clean up good.
9:46 >> Aw, well, thank you.
9:52 Okay, stop.
9:52 Stop looking at me like that.
9:53 Last time that happened, that happened.
9:55 >> Oh, right.
9:56 Right.
10:02 So, are you uh you excited about your your first night away from Emma?
10:06 >> Yeah.
10:07 Yeah, Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun.
10:09 And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
10:11 >> Oh, it's fine.
10:12 Actually, I I invited Mike over.
10:14 >> Phoebe's Mike?
10:16 >> Yeah.
10:16 >> I didn't know that you guys hung out.
10:17 >> So, we don't, but I thought it'd be nice to get to know him.
10:19 You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
10:23 >> Aw, that's so cute.
10:24 Ross and Mike's first date.
10:29 >> GREAT.
10:29 >> HEY, ROSS IS HERE.
10:31 HEY, LOOK, IT'S MY good friend Ross.
10:33 Hey, Ross.
10:34 >> Hey, Joey.
10:37 Hey, dude.
10:38 >> Hey, and oh, look, and he brought flowers.
10:41 Oh, thanks, Ross.
10:42 I'm really more of a candy kind of guy.
10:47 >> You're weird today.
10:50 Listen, I uh I wanted to talk to you about something.
10:54 >> Yeah, actually, um I kind of need to talk to you, too.
10:57 >> Uh Joey, can you give us a minute?
11:03 >> No.
11:03 >> What?
11:03 >> I'm sorry.
11:04 I meant no.
11:09 >> Okay.
11:10 Wait up.
11:13 >> Hi.
11:13 >> Congratulations.
11:13 I didn't want to say anything in front of Joey cuz I didn't know
11:15 if he knew yet.
11:16 >> What?
11:17 That we had a baby?
11:18 Let's give him a little credit.
11:20 Although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
11:24 >> No, no, but you and Rachel are engaged.
11:29 >> What?
11:29 >> Oh, it's It's Oh, goody.
11:32 Yes.
11:32 Oh, we haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
11:36 >> Phoebe, there is no secret, okay?
11:38 I didn't propose.
11:39 >> Are you lying?
11:41 Is this like that time you tried to convince us you were a doctor?
11:53 >> I am a doctor.
11:53 You know what?
11:53 I'm just going to go and and talk to Rachel myself.
11:56 >> All right.
11:57 I'll meet you.
12:01 Well, should we wake her up?
12:02 >> No.
12:02 No.
12:03 Come on, let her sleep.
12:04 She's so exhausted.
12:06 >> Yet so engaged.
12:07 Dum dum dum.
12:19 >> Oh my god.
12:21 She She thinks we're engaged.
12:24 Why?
12:25 Why?
12:25 Why would she think we're engaged?
12:27 >> Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring?
12:31 You know, Ross, doctors are supposed to be smart.
12:35 >> I didn't give her that ring.
12:37 >> You didn't?
12:38 >> No.
12:38 >> So, whose ring is it?
12:40 >> It's mine.
12:43 >> Is it an engagement ring?
12:45 >> Yes.
12:45 >> But you didn't give it to her?
12:47 >> No.
12:47 >> But you were going to propose?
12:50 >> No.
12:50 >> Huh.
12:50 I might be losing interest in this.
12:54 >> Look.
12:55 Look, my mom gave me
12:56 that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel,
12:59 but all I wanted to do was see
13:01 if she maybe kind of wanted to start things up again.
13:06 >> Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
13:09 >> Look, I didn't want to rush into anything,
13:11 and it seemed like she didn't want to either.
13:13 But I don't I don't understand how how any of this happened.
13:16 What?
13:16 Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume I was going to propose,
13:20 throw it on, and then just start telling people?
13:24 >> No.
13:24 No, she said you actually proposed to her.
13:27 >> Well, I didn't.
13:28 I didn't propose.
13:36 UNLESS DID I?
13:43 I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 40 hours
13:45 and it does sound like something I would do.
13:53 Oh, I can't.
13:54 I've I've got a date with that waitress Katie.
13:57 Yeah, I I know we've only gone out like twice, but I don't know.
14:00 I have a really good feeling about her.
14:03 >> Oh, I hear divorce bells.
14:06 >> All right.
14:07 Just give me your wallet and there won't be a problem.
14:09 >> What?
14:09 >> I have a gun.
14:10 >> Oh, okay.
14:11 Just just relax, Phoebe.
14:12 Just stay calm.
14:16 Oh my god, I can't FIND MY WALLET.
14:20 >> ALL RIGHT, LADY.
14:21 NOW, GIVE ME YOUR PURSE.
14:24 >> NO.
14:24 >> What do you mean, no?
14:25 I knew you'd be my death, PHOEBE BUFFAY.
14:29 >> LYLE, IS THAT YOU?
14:32 >> PHOEBE?
14:32 >> OH MY GOD!
14:37 I'M SORRY, ROSS.
14:38 THIS IS MY OLD FRIEND LYLE from the streets.
14:41 Lyle, Ross.
14:43 >> Ross, nice to meet you.
14:44 Uh real pleasure.
14:47 >> IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
14:49 OH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
14:51 I CAN'T BELIEVE you're still doing this.
14:53 >> Uh I know, but I quit smoking.
14:55 >> Good for you.
14:56 >> So, you look like you're doing really well.
14:58 I guess your mugging days are behind you.
15:01 >> Oh.
15:01 >> Oh my god.
15:03 Phoebe, you used to mug people?
15:06 >> Excuse me, Ross.
15:08 Old friends catching up.
15:10 >> What kind of stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
15:11 >> Well, it's a training program,
15:12 but at the end they hire the people they like.
15:15 >> That's great.
15:16 >> Yeah, I mean there's probably going to be some grunt work,
15:18 which will probably stink.
15:19 You know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.
15:25 Humiliating and noble.
15:28 Thank you.
15:32 You know, if I didn't already have a job,
15:34 I I think I would have been really good in advertising.
15:36 >> Ross, you did not come up with got milk.
15:39 >> Yes, I did.
15:40 I did.
15:43 I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.
15:47 >> HEY.
15:47 >> I'm all packed and ready to go.
15:49 Oh.
15:50 That's right.
15:50 Daddy and Uncle Joey are going on a trip today.
15:53 We're going to a conference in Barbados.
15:56 >> Right?
15:56 >> Mhm.
15:56 >> Can you say Barbados?
16:03 >> Barbados.
16:03 >> I just got to say,
16:04 it means so much to me
16:05 that you guys are coming all the way over there to to hear me
16:08 give my speech.
16:09 Oh, and I have a surprise.
16:11 I had to pull some strings,
16:12 but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference.
16:16 That's right.
16:19 These babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
16:24 >> Do you have anything that will get us out of them?
16:29 >> Yeah, Ross, I mean, we're excited to hear the speech,
16:31 but the rest of the time we're going to want to do, you know,
16:33 island stuff.
16:34 >> I think David will probably want to hear a few lectures.
16:36 >> Oh, right, because he's a scientist.
16:38 >> No, no, well, because, you know, he's been in Minsk for 8 years,
16:41 and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he'll die.
16:45 >> Okay, we better go.
16:46 Yeah?
16:47 Um, so, we'll see you guys tomorrow.
16:49 >> All right, let's do it. 5-hour flight with Charlie, have a couple drinks,
16:53 get under that blanket, and do what comes natural.
16:55 >> It's a blanket, Joe, not a cloak of invisibility.
17:00 >> Hi.
17:00 >> Hi.
17:00 >> I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents.
17:03 She's so nervous.
17:04 >> It's so sweet.
17:06 >> Guess what?
17:06 I made Emma laugh today.
17:08 >> You what?
17:10 And I missed it because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
17:15 >> Yeah, and it was a it was like a real little person laugh, too.
17:20 It was It WAS LIKE UM ONLY ONLY NOT CREEPY.
17:32 >> YEAH.
17:32 WELL, WELL, what did you do to make her laugh?
17:34 >> I um Well, I sang.
17:37 Actually, I rapped.
17:39 Um Baby Got Back.
17:46 >> What?
17:46 You sang to our baby daughter a song about a guy who likes to
17:52 have sex with women with giant asses?
17:56 >> But, you know what?
17:56 If you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uh body image.
18:02 Because even big butts
18:05 or uh juicy doubles are Please don't take her away from me.
18:19 >> Okay.
18:19 Uh please laugh for Mommy.
18:21 Please.
18:22 Please laugh for Mommy.
18:28 Not funny, huh?
18:30 Also, is is it only offensive novelty rap?
18:37 Or maybe just, you know, rap in general?
18:39 Cuz Mommy can rap.
18:42 My name is Mommy,
18:44 and I'm here to say that all the babies are Oh, I can't rap.
18:51 All right, sweetheart.
18:54 This is only because I love you so much,
18:57 and I know that you're not going to tell anybody.
19:09 I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
19:16 You other brothers can't deny.
19:20 When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist
19:23 and a round thing in your face,
19:25 you get YES, YES.
19:28 OH, I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE.
19:32 YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY.
19:34 OH, EMMA, YOU'RE LAUGHING.
19:36 OH, you are.
19:37 You really do like big butts.
19:40 Don't you?
19:40 Don't you?
19:40 Oh, you Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.
19:47 Oh.
19:47 >> Hey.
19:47 >> Oh, you missed it.
19:49 SHE WAS LAUGHING.
19:50 OH, it was amazing.
19:52 It was amazing.
19:53 It was the most beautiful beautiful sound.
19:56 >> Oh, I know.
19:56 Isn't it?
19:58 Oh, what did you do to get her to laugh?
20:02 >> Oh, you know, I just a couple little things I tried different.
20:05 Just saying little Itsy Bitsy Spider.
20:09 >> You sang Baby Got Back, didn't you?
20:12 >> Nothing else worked.
20:12 That girl is all about the ass.
20:18 >> She sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo vet.
20:21 >> So, fellas.
20:24 >> Yeah.
20:24 >> Fellas.
20:24 >> Yeah.
20:24 >> Has your girlfriend GOT THE BUTT?
20:26 >> HELL YEAH.
20:26 >> SO, SHAKE IT.
20:27 >> SHAKE IT.
20:28 >> Shake it.
20:28 >> Shake it.
20:29 >> Shake that nasty butt.
20:31 >> Baby got back.
20:32 >> One more time from the top.
20:34 I LIKE BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie.
20:38 You other brothers >> Rachel, please.
20:43 That is so inappropriate.
20:51 >> SO, WELCOME.
20:51 >> HEY.
20:51 >> I got beer.
20:52 >> I got bottled breast milk.
20:56 >> Yeah, why don't we start with the beer?
21:02 >> Okay.
21:02 So, um Phoebe tells me you you play piano.
21:07 >> Yeah.
21:07 >> You know, I I used to play keyboards in college.
21:10 >> Huh?
21:10 Do you have one here?
21:34 >> No.
21:34 >> Okay.
21:34 >> Um I you know, I'm divorced.
21:39 Phoebe Phoebe says you you've been divorced.
21:45 >> Yeah.
21:45 Yeah, I'm I'm sorry.
21:45 I don't I don't really like to talk about it.
21:51 >> That's okay.
21:51 We'll we'll talk about something else.
22:03 >> So you're a a paleontologist, right?
22:06 >> Yeah.
22:06 >> My cousin's a paleontologist.
22:13 >> Huh?
22:13 >> Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
22:16 I promise, first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor,
22:18 but I got to go to Burleigh and I'm not feeling all that well.
22:21 >> What?
22:21 Why why why why you not feeling well?
22:23 What do you have?
22:23 Is it rubella?
22:24 Because don't go near Emma.
22:25 She has not had that shot.
22:27 >> You know, come to think of it it it does feel rubella-like.
22:30 >> WEINER!
22:46 WEINER!
22:49 >> WEINER!
22:49 WEINER!
22:49 >> RACHEL!
22:49 >> WAIT!
22:49 NOW HE'S GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME!
22:51 >> I COULD JUST lie here all day.
22:52 >> Oh, no.
22:56 Open your drapes.
22:57 Open your drapes.
22:58 >> So glad we got adjoining rooms.
23:02 >> THE SUN IS OUT!
23:03 >> HEY, remember when I had Corneas?
23:06 >> Okay, listen, you go down to the pool
23:08 and reserve the chairs
23:09 and I'll get the magazines
23:10 and the lotion.
23:10 >> Uh ladies, Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.
23:13 >> Oh, NO!
23:14 >> DAMN IT!
23:16 >> WALLS ARE PRETTY THIN, GUYS.
23:24 >> THEN WE have to weigh the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing,
23:31 which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.
23:36 >> Look at that woman sitting out by the pool getting tan.
23:40 So leathery and wrinkled.
23:41 I'M SO JEALOUS.
23:44 >> FINALLY, FACTOR IN THE profusion of new species recently discovered, Giganotosaurus, Argentinosaurus,
23:53 >> not to mention coldsaurus.
23:58 >> And that's just the herbivores.
24:00 I'm not even going to discuss the carnivores.
24:02 Uh their heads are already too big,
24:04 which is ironic considering their stunted CEREBRAL DEVELOPMENT.
24:12 >> HI.
24:12 >> HEY.
24:12 >> LISTEN, I WANTED to ask you something about marriage.
24:15 >> Oh great, now you're seeking me out to make jokes?
24:17 I mean, I could see if we're all hanging out,
24:18 but to come TO MY HOME.
24:21 >> NO, I really want to know how you feel about it.
24:25 >> Why?
24:25 >> Mike doesn't ever want to get married.
24:30 >> Never?
24:30 >> Never.
24:30 >> Wow.
24:31 Well, you you still going to move in with him?
24:34 >> Well, I want to,
24:35 but I just wanted you to tell me
24:37 that marriage really isn't
24:38 that big a deal,
24:39 you know, that I won't I won't be missing out on anything.
24:41 That marriage stinks.
24:44 >> Yeah, marriage stinks.
24:48 I mean, if you want to see a man gain weight
24:50 and a woman stop shaving,
24:52 get him married.
24:55 >> That's not how you really feel, is it?
24:57 >> No, I'm sorry.
25:00 Look, I I know it's not what you want to hear right now,
25:02 but I can't help it.
25:02 I I love marriage.
25:04 >> Seriously?
25:05 You, divorcer?
25:08 >> If you have to call me a name, I prefer Ross the divorcer.
25:11 It's just cooler.
25:14 Look, look, I know my marriages didn't exactly work out, but you know,
25:18 I I loved being that committed to another person.
25:21 And Carol and I had some good times before she became a lesbian
25:25 and once afterward.
25:28 Anyway, I'm I'm sorry.
25:31 >> It's okay.
25:32 That's how you feel.
25:35 >> But come on, I mean, living together will be great.
25:37 I mean, you guys have so much fun and you love Mike.
25:41 >> I do love Mike.
25:42 >> Ah, see?
25:43 And you were so excited about moving in together before and you know what?
25:47 You should be.
25:48 It's a big deal.
25:51 >> Yeah, I guess you're right.
25:53 Yeah, thanks.
25:54 This helped.
25:55 Thanks.
25:55 >> The divorcer to the rescue.
25:59 >> It's not cooler.
26:00 >> Yeah, I just heard it.
26:01 >> So going to get back at Ross.
26:03 >> Oh, yeah?
26:04 >> This'll show him.
26:05 >> Here we go.
26:06 >> What are you doing?
26:06 >> Oh, you'll see, MY FRIEND.
26:14 I'M DEAD?
26:18 >> And so young.
26:21 >> Posting that I died?
26:23 That really isn't funny.
26:25 >> Well, how you died was funny.
26:27 >> Oh, please.
26:28 Hit by a blimp?
26:31 >> It kills over one Americans every year.
26:36 >> Unbelievable.
26:36 My classmates are going to think I'm dead.
26:39 My professors, my my parents are going to get phone calls.
26:42 You're messing with people's feelings here.
26:44 >> Oh, you want to talk about people's feelings?
26:45 You should have heard how hurt Professor Stern was yesterday
26:48 when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him TO KEY
26:50 WEST.
26:53 >> YOU'VE REALLY CROSSED the line here, but that's okay.
26:56 It's okay cuz I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software
26:59 and a stack of gay porn.
27:01 That's right.
27:01 Your coming out's about to get real graphic.
27:11 Excuse me.
27:12 Um is there a woman waiting at the bar?
27:16 Um someone average height, dark hair, or perhaps doing a puzzle?
27:22 >> Uh there's a drunk Chinese guy.
27:26 >> Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
27:30 >> Uh can I get you another glass of wine?
27:32 >> Uh I don't know if I should.
27:33 I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone.
27:39 >> You got stood up, huh?
27:40 >> Uh it's no big deal.
27:41 It's just a blind date.
27:43 >> Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?
27:49 >> No.
27:49 All I ever wanted was to just love him
27:51 and have him love me back.
27:54 I mean, am I so unlovable?
27:59 >> Wow.
27:59 >> I know.
28:05 >> Thank you so much for letting me do this.
28:07 Public bathrooms freak me out.
28:09 I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
28:12 >> But what's great is you don't mind talking about it.
28:16 >> God, it's so amazing
28:18 that I met you on the same day
28:19 that Eric broke up with me cuz it's like you lose a boyfriend,
28:23 you get a boyfriend.
28:27 >> Uh-huh.
28:27 >> No, no, no, don't worry.
28:28 This is not some rebound thing.
28:29 I am totally over Eric.
28:39 >> PHEW.
28:39 >> GOOD CHOICE, ROSS.
28:41 >> I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE'S HERE.
28:43 Could you zip me up?
28:48 >> Uh sure.
28:48 >> Thank you.
28:49 Can you believe no one between my apartment
28:51 and here offered to do
28:52 that for me?
28:57 >> People.
28:57 So, uh why are you so dressed up?
28:59 >> Oh, um Mike's picking me up for a date.
29:01 >> Oh, yeah.
29:02 Now, how's that going?
29:04 Is it getting serious?
29:05 >> I don't know.
29:06 I don't know.
29:07 I mean, you know, I like him.
29:09 But, you know, am I ready to take my grade A loins off the
29:11 meat market?
29:12 I'm not quite sure.
29:16 >> You know, I I really admire your your whole dating attitude.
29:20 It's so healthy.
29:21 I'm always like, is this moving too fast?
29:23 Is this moving too slow?
29:24 Where where is this going?
29:26 >> Yeah, you know, you are a bit of a drama queen.
29:30 >> But, you know, you're so much better off, you know?
29:32 You just go from guy to guy having fun
29:34 and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
29:39 >> I wouldn't say never.
29:41 You know, there was that guy.
29:44 Okay, well, what about Okay, well, there's got to be someone.
29:50 >> There isn't.
29:50 That's what I'm saying.
29:53 >> Oh my god, you're right.
29:55 >> And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date.
29:59 >> I can't believe I never realized this before.
30:03 I'm in my 30s and I've never been in a long-term relationship?
30:07 Oh my god, what's wrong with me?
30:11 >> No, no, no.
30:12 No, um there's there's nothing wrong with you.
30:16 I mean, you don't strike me
30:18 as the type of person who wants to get married anyway.
30:21 >> I want to get married?
30:24 >> Please.
30:25 Please don't cry because of me.
30:26 I Phoebe, I don't know what I'm talking about, okay?
30:28 I've been divorced three times.
30:31 >> Yeah, well, at least you've been married.
30:33 Oh my god, I want to trade LIVES WITH ROSS?
30:38 THAT'S REALLY >> OH, thank you so much. >> oh, and so funny.
30:44 >> Okay, all right, thanks.
30:46 Thanks so much.
30:47 You guys I can't tell you how much it means to me
30:49 that you were here.
30:49 >> Are you kidding?
30:50 We wouldn't have missed it.
30:55 >> Yeah.
30:55 Oh.
30:55 I'm back.
30:58 >> Okay, um excuse me?
31:00 Yeah.
31:04 >> Hey.
31:04 Well?
31:04 >> You were incredible.
31:05 You blew them away.
31:06 >> Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look out at
31:09 the crowd and see your face.
31:10 I mean, did you know you were you were mouthing the words along with
31:14 me?
31:14 >> I was not.
31:15 >> No, it's okay.
31:16 Made me feel like like a rock star.
31:19 >> Oh my god, I'm your groupie.
31:23 >> Yeah.
31:23 I better not find you naked in my hotel room.
31:30 Look, I I took it too far.
31:32 >> Welcome to the Chestnut Inn, Mr.
31:34 Bing.
31:34 So, where are you joining us from?
31:35 >> New York.
31:36 The Big Apple.
31:39 I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up.
31:40 We had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.
31:43 >> I ate all my gifts for everybody.
31:48 >> I'm sorry, Mr.
31:48 Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer.
31:51 >> Well, that's impossible.
31:52 Can you check again, please?
31:53 >> CHECK AGAIN, PLEASE.
31:56 >> I'M SORRY, IT'S NOT HERE.
31:58 >> Not there?
32:01 >> Let me get this straight.
32:02 I called yesterday to try to cancel my reservation, was told it's not refundable.
32:06 Then, we drove 6 hours all the way up here,
32:08 and now you're telling me that we don't have a reservation?
32:11 >> I don't know what to say.
32:12 >> She doesn't know what to say.
32:14 >> Just give us the cheapest room you have.
32:16 >> Unfortunately, the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite.
32:19 The rate is $600.
32:21 >> That's insane.
32:22 >> It is totally insane.
32:23 Dude, let's drive home.
32:24 We'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back,
32:27 and if if they're closed,
32:29 then maybe we'll we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves.
32:34 >> Does that room have a closet I can lock him in?
32:38 We'll take it.
32:42 >> Great.
32:42 >> Look, they're totally ripping us off.
32:44 >> Dude, don't worry about it.
32:45 I know how we can make your money back.
32:46 This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities.
32:49 We just load up on those.
32:51 Like those apples.
32:52 Instead of taking one, um I take six.
32:57 >> Great.
32:57 At $100 an apple, we're there.
33:01 >> Come on, you you get the idea.
33:02 You know, we we'll make our money back in no time.
33:05 >> Dude, you're shaking.
33:06 >> I think it's the sugar.
33:07 Could you hold the apple?
33:13 Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206.
33:16 Um I seem to have forgotten a couple of things.
33:18 Could Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room?
33:23 Thank you.
33:24 Okay, um toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, Band-Aids, shaving cream, aftershave.
33:33 And I feel like I'm forgetting something.
33:35 Um is there anything else you you have that I haven't asked for already?
33:40 Yeah, go ahead.
33:41 Send up some tampons.
33:46 >> What'd you get?
33:47 >> USA Today.
33:48 >> Nice.
33:48 Put it with the others.
33:50 >> And I also got two more apples.
33:54 >> We're four short of a bushel.
33:57 >> God, I feel so alive.
33:59 I love being in the country.
34:01 >> I also got these great salt and pepper shakers from the restaurant.
34:05 >> Ooh, that's not cool.
34:07 >> Dude, none of this is cool.
34:10 >> Look, Chandler, you you have to find the line between stealing
34:14 and and taking what the hotel owes you.
34:17 Um for example, a hairdryer, no, no, no.
34:20 But shampoos and conditioners, oh yes, yes, yes.
34:24 Now the the salt shaker is off limits.
34:27 I but the salt I wish I thought this through.
34:35 >> I think I get what you mean now.
34:36 Like the the lamp is is the hotel's,
34:39 but the bulbs I You already got that.
34:42 >> Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
34:45 >> Okay, yeah.
34:47 How about this?
34:48 >> No, no, no, you can't take the remote control.
34:50 >> Yes, but the batteries.
34:58 Thank you.
34:59 Thank you very much.
35:00 Ooh, let's let's celebrate with some maple candy.
35:05 >> No.
35:05 At least TELL ME WHERE YOU HID IT.
35:08 >> Here's your copy of the bill.
35:09 We hope you enjoyed your stay.
35:10 >> Oh, we did, and you still have all your lamps.
35:16 >> I didn't factor in the room tax.
35:19 >> Oh, dude, don't worry about it.
35:20 Uh I found an unattended maid's cart.
35:22 We're way ahead of the game.
35:26 >> Oh my god.
35:28 >> What?
35:28 >> There's There's something new in the bowl.
35:31 >> Look, we have enough.
35:32 Just walk away.
35:33 >> No, but I I want I want the pine cones.
35:37 >> There's a forest right outside.
35:39 >> It's not the same.
35:41 >> Okay, go quick.
35:45 >> Go, go, go.
35:50 Thank you for a delightful stay.
36:01 >> MY MAPLE CANDY.
36:05 >> I DON'T THINK THAT JOEY AND CHARLIE have anything in common.
36:08 >> I don't know.
36:09 They seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils.
36:13 >> Wow.
36:14 Joey and a professor.
36:15 Can you imagine if they had kids?
36:18 And if if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism,
36:23 those nerds would get laid.
36:28 All right, so we're also you with all this?
36:30 I mean >> Yeah, it's no big deal.
36:32 I mean, I just met her.
36:33 I'm fine with it.
36:38 Ugh, God, I forgot how hot she was.
36:41 I'm going to get some more coffee.
36:43 >> Hey.
36:43 >> Hey.
36:43 >> Oh, you know, I'll I'll come with you.
36:47 >> Okay.
36:47 So, a professor, huh?
36:49 >> Yeah, she is cool and she's so smart.
36:52 Her mind is totally acrimonious.
37:00 Guess that's not how she used it.
37:05 >> I feel like I owe you an explanation.
37:08 I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties.
37:12 I'm uh Well, I'm kind of embarrassed.
37:16 I really hope you don't think less of me.
37:18 >> No, think less of you?
37:19 No, I don't think less of you.
37:21 I mean, you you saw someone you liked and you kissed them.
37:24 Uh those people who who like someone and and don't kiss them,
37:27 those those people are stupid.
37:29 I hate those people.
37:32 >> You know, actually, I'm a little surprised at myself.
37:34 I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date.
37:37 I mean, they're all professors, intellectuals, paleontologists mostly.
37:41 You know, very cerebral >> the type.
37:44 Hey, if we want to uh grab a bite before work,
37:46 we better get acrimonious.
37:52 No?
37:52 Am I getting close?
37:54 Well, the super's not home.
37:55 But but hey, you know what?
37:56 My mother's going to be here in a minute and she has the key.
37:58 >> I can't wait that long.
37:59 You have to do something.
38:00 Knock that door down.
38:01 >> I would, but I bruise like a peach.
38:06 Besides, you know, everything's going to be fine.
38:09 The the baby's sleeping.
38:10 >> But what if she jumped out of the bassinet?
38:12 >> Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
38:16 >> Oh my god, I left the water running.
38:18 >> But you did not leave the water running.
38:19 Please, just just pull yourself together, okay?
38:21 >> What did I leave the stove on?
38:23 >> You haven't cooked since 1996.
38:27 >> Is the window open?
38:27 Because if the window's open,
38:28 A BIRD COULD FLY in there and >> Oh my god, you know what?
38:31 I think you're right.
38:32 I think you know what?
38:33 Listen.
38:33 Listen.
38:34 A pigeon.
38:35 No.
38:36 No way.
38:36 No, no.
38:37 An eagle flew in.
38:39 Landed on the stove and CAUGHT FIRE.
38:44 THE BABY, SEEING THIS, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid.
38:51 The eagle, however, misconstrues this
38:53 as an act of aggression
38:54 and grabs the baby in its talent.
38:56 Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water.
38:59 Baby and bird, still ablaze,
39:01 are locked in a desperate swirling around the whirlpool that FILLS THE APARTMENT.
39:09 >> BOY, ARE YOU GOING TO BE SORRY IF THAT'S TRUE.
39:12 Can you ask him to get me a muffin?
39:13 >> Oh, sure.
39:14 What kind?
39:15 >> Um let me think.
39:17 What do I want?
39:20 What do I want?
39:23 >> Please take your time.
39:24 It's an important decision.
39:25 Not like, say, I don't know, deciding to marry someone.
39:28 This is about a muffin.
39:35 >> Blueberry.
39:35 >> Blueberry it is.
39:36 >> Thank you.
39:39 Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
39:41 >> God, how long do you think that's going to last?
39:43 >> Well, I don't know.
39:44 He got over the we were on a break thing really quickly.
39:48 >> I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
39:52 >> Corey?
39:52 Corey Weston?
39:55 >> Yeah.
39:55 >> You look amazing.
39:57 >> And you are?
39:58 >> Chandler.
39:58 Chandler Bing.
39:59 And I'm not gay.
39:59 I'm not gay at all.
40:01 >> You are married, though.
40:04 >> Don't listen to him.
40:04 He's in a really bad mood.
40:10 >> I can't believe that Ross is gone.
40:13 It is just so sad.
40:14 >> I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
40:16 >> Oh, we weren't.
40:17 But we had one class together.
40:18 He was such a great guy.
40:20 And he talked so passionately about science.
40:24 I always remembered him.
40:26 >> I'm sure that would mean a lot to him.
40:28 And if heaven has a door,
40:30 I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.
40:36 >> I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out.
40:40 I guess I really missed my chance.
40:42 >> NO, YOU DIDN'T!
40:46 I'M STILL ALIVE!
40:49 COREY, I I KNOW THIS is a big surprise for you.
40:52 It's a long story, but the things you just said really made my day.
40:56 I mean, the fact
40:57 that you were here means more to me than than
40:59 if this room were filled with people.
41:02 >> You sick freak!
41:03 Who does that?
41:05 I can't believe I had a crush on you.
41:12 >> Did you hear that?
41:14 Corey Weston had a crush on me!
